a writer, eh? not really. but why? because i'm a hopeless romantic. taunt me. laugh like the hyena. do the hokey-pokey. pounce on me. tell me how hopeless i am... real hopeless. go ahead. that's fine with me...
or share some pity and feel my pain. isn't that him, the dying martyr? oh, the poor chap. look at his frail limbs and fragile soul. but no, no. you'd never say that.
because i'm just a freakin' writer who no one cares about.. do tell me if i'm wrong, huh. not that i care.
did you hear me?
ace | adam | anna | ate airuz | ate aleth | ate anna | ate kimie | ate kris | ate lorine | ate norai | ate patit | bricci | cynthia | dana | desa | dina | gelynne | gerald | graziella | hazel | jaimee | jamie | janica | jason | jenny | justin | kathy | kuya dean | kuya james | kyreen | larz | m.a.j.i.k. | macy | marella | miles | phimie | raphael | rhio | pikselot | swastika | toki | yeye/valen
speak up...
past notes
April 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
credits
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hay. andami na ngang nangyari't nagdaan na yumanig sa aking kaluluwa. akala ko guguho na ako, hindi ko na kakayanin.
pero salamat, at naramdaman kong andyan kayo, nasa tabi ko lang. kayo yung nagkaron ng lakas ng loob na batukan ako't sabihin sa aking gumsing na ako sa aking mga panaginip at tama na ang pagpapakatanga, sobra na. kayo yung nakapagpigil sa mga luha ko, at kayo rin yung nagsabing wag ko nang pigilan, dapat ilabas ang lahat ng kalungkutan. kayo yung nagturo sa akin kung pano maging masaya. kayo yung nagpasaya saken.
dinamayan niyo ako.
salamat. mahal ko talaga kayo.
====
naku naman, di ko alam bakit ko pa ginagawa ito. siguro nagsawa na ako sa layout, o dun sa address bar... pero... magpapalit na naman ako ng blog. haha. di na nagsawa noh? pasensya na ha. sabi nga nila, kung may gagawin man ako, gawin ko na kung kailan kakayanin. at siguro kaya ko na... pero, hindi ko pa rin naman idedelete to eh. wag kayong mag-alala. gagawa lang ulit ako ng bago.
pero sa susunod, ibang gabriel na yung masasaksihan niyo sa mga isusulat niya. *ang corny noh? hehe!* pangako? hindi. susubukan ko lang. pag natapos ko na yung site, iaannounce ko na lang yung address. hehehe. salamat ulit sa inyong lahat. hanggang sa muli... (",)
so how've you been the past few weeks, gab? revisiting your not-so-distant past writings? how much did you find out?
yes, you might have changed sites, but it all speaks of only one thing. you do know that. and, yes, you were right when you said life is a never-ending cycle of merely a few events. like they say, history repeats itself.
so it's time to break the chain.
you say you're not hoping that anything would happen. and yet you do these very convincing things, which expresses your deepest longing for something to happen.
this i tell you!: either stop eating your words, oh gabriel, or stop writing in your journal. it's basically... this for that. but... just wait. be patient. just stay still and wait. and, in waiting, do nothing. precisely because you're just waiting, right?. so please, just stay.
you've been waiting for already a long time... maybe a few months or years more would perfectly hold out fine... heartbreaks? nah. too much of that. maybe more of them shouldn't affect you by now.
i hope you understand.
====
hmmmp. ikaw naman... pakasaya ka na lang sa buhay mo. hindi na ako makikialam. wala ka nang kailangang sabihin saken.
mas malala ka pa... mas malala ka pa!
hmmp! anong kalokohan ba itong pinasukan ko? akala ko makakabuti sa akin... akala ko mas gaganda buhay ko... tapos... hmmp! mas malala ka pa talaga! sa totoo lang, wala ka rin palang pinagkaiba sa iba... pare-pareho lang kayo! putek talaga!
bakit pa kasi... ikaw? sa lahat ng pwede? akala ko kasi iba ka. putek. nagkamali pala ako. maling mali!!! nabulag lang ako... naloko...
kung magsalita ka naman kasi parang andaming magandang nangyayari. saan ko ba napulot yun? ako naman si tanga, sobrang tanga, nagpapaniwala. ayan. naloko na! at oo, aaminin ko. umasa ako... pero pinapaasa mo lang pala talaga ako. sana hindi na lang tayo naglokohan ng ganito... pareho naman pala nating alam na wala talaga. wala. wala!!!
ngayon... sabihin mo sa akin... bakit mo ginawa yun? ba't mo sinabi yung mga ganung bagay? tingin mo ba pag nalaman ko yung katotohanan hindi ako masasaktan? mukha ba akong manhid, walang puso, walang pakiramdam? eh pano kita mamahalin nun?
kaya naman naisip ko na itanong kung sino ba talaga ako sayo. para maging ganun ka rin sa akin. para tama lang. pinangako ko yan. ngayon, alam ko na. palamuti. dekorasyon. basura. iniitsupwera lang. yun lang pala ako sayo.
pero... hindi ko kayang tratuhin ka ng ganyan... bakit? kasi mahal kita? oo. mahal na mahal kita. kaya hindi ko magawang magalit sayo. putek talaga!
nung una... akala ko matitiis ko yung sakit, yung kirot ng mga pinaggagagawa mo. sa huli magwawala rin pala ako ng ganito. sa huli, luhaan nga talaga ako. luhaan. lagi naman eh. lagi na lang!!!
sabihin mo na sa akin. ba't mo pa ako pinaasa ng ganito? ba't mo ginustong masaktan lang ako? hay. sabihin mo na lang kung tama yung hula kong sagot, ha?
kasi wala lang ako sayo. wala. wala. tama diba? hmmp! hindi ko na maintindihan ba't pinahahalagahan kita ng ganito. ang labo na ng lahat ng bagay. sobrang labo... ang labo mo rin kasi... nakakainis!
sabi mo nga, marami pang lalaki dyan. sabi mo nga, maganda ka naman... sabagay, tama ka. kaya nagkaron ka ng karapatan na ibasura ako ng ganito. naiintindihan ko na.
hay. nakakamatay nga pala ang akala.
leche 'tong buhay na to.
=======
sa kabila ng lahat ng ito.... haaaaaaaay.
sorry ha. ako ang may problema. ako. wala ka namang kasalanan. ako lang talaga. hindi naman ikaw yung nag-iisip nyan eh. hindi naman ikaw yung umiiyak gabi-gabi dahil diyan. hindi naman ikaw yung nasasaktan. ako lang. ako. ako...
nakakaloka noh?
pagkatapos ng lahat ng yan, babalik rin ako sa dating ako... at makakalimutan ko rin yung mga sinabi ko....
pero ikaw... ganyan ka pa rin... at siguro ganyan ka na talaga... hindi naman sa gusto kitang magbago... ano nga ba namang pakialam mo saken diba? at sino ba ako para makialam sa buhay mo? alam ko. wala.
oo, nasasaktan na naman ako.
pero... ganito kasi eh... ilang beses na rin akong nasaktan... napakarami na rin nun... dahil sayo. kaya kung masaktan man ako ulit... hindi ko na masyadong iindahin yun. mula ngayon. ganyan talaga pag nasasanay, diba?
pero wala ka talagang kasalanan... kaya pabayaan mo na lang ako. kalimutan mo na rin kung gusto mo.
ito na lang hiling ko...
pabayaan mo na lang rin akong mahalin ka sa paraan na alam ko.
at long last, i can say that this is one of the best days of my high school life. i just feel so liberated. woohoo.
today we had no classes. it was world teachers' day, so they needed a break. hell, we need one too. haha.
during english time, i was about to go into a frenzy because of this presentation thing, until when i found out that there would be no presentation for that day...
says our student teacher ("student" first... he says.) this guy has finished his term of teaching in quesci. he'll be leaving us. how sad. but anyway, life's plainly just like that. no hard feelings... anyway, we got to have a small chat with him, and got to know him somewhat better. hey, mind you, he speaks tagalog, he does. he just did on the last day. strange...
the next few hours, nothing special really happened, except that there was a Catholic mass from eight to nine downstairs. then we had our general cleaning.
i swept the floor for thirty minutes. it was then i realized that i was very good at it, provided that i was pondering over some distressful thought. i did wonderfully great, so four hours later i swept the floor once more, while they were doing some floor polishing outside. very relieving, believe me. (might as well follow suit, distressed people out there? haha.)
then this friend of mine planned a birthday surprise for his lovey-dovey girl. *forgive me for my terms..* hey, the thing failed... at first sight. when we were about to do his wooing thing, the nerves went into his head, and he seemingly forgot what-the-hell-was-he-supposed-to-do-standing-in-front-of-her. the good part is, he got to talk to the girl. *yikee!!*
and i nearly forgot, we are going to have a field trip! on october 11, guys. avogadro-4 will have its own solo bus. we gotta enjoy. dunno the timeframe, but that's it. no classes on monday. woohoo! (first time i enjoyed the fact that there were no classes. strange.)
so basically, a very fine day.
but... not everything is perfect, right? so... what went wrong?
this i tell you: only one very intricate detail... just you. you know who you are. dammit.
hey guys, did you know that this week is "world space week?" yes, and for those once unknowing earth citizens like me, it has been that way since 1951, the year of launching of the russian spacecraft named sputnik.
being a part of the astronomy elective class, we were "forced" *forgive me for my wording* to go to this space technology seminar, dubbed "space odyssey 2005." at least, we did not get excused from class for nothing... or maybe, that should be "I" did not... we went there by school service - y'know, the jeepneys and vans parked outside the school campus during regular school days... three of them. the delegates numbered forty-one.
anyway, the UP college of engineering auditorium, located on the second floor, was the venue for the said event. (hey, for those who will study there in the future, good for you... the place might look scrawny facade-wise, but the interior is... damn awesome. *only wish i took engineering...*) we arrived there to the sight of another bunch of students. later came two more schools.
the introductory speaker was an intelligent-looking guy wearing glasses and a blue polo. he told us that that room would be renovated as soon as we leave it, thus this certain program would be the last before the makeover... thereby making it a very historic event. what-ever. he also introduced each of the four science high schools present - manila, makati, marikina, and quezon city. first thing I noticed? we proudly have the best school uniforms compared to the nanny-like and common public high school-type regulars of the three others... and possibly, the best in metro manila. *go quesci!!!!*
after him were three more speakers, one a guest. one was the UPD Chancellor, who was said to be good in music and in math. the next was some sort of Dean in the college, I forgot what she did for a living... followed by another introductory speaker, who gave a very brief speech about the next speaker - a former senator whose curriculum vitae was spawned with achievements of all sorts and of numerous world-class institution affiliations. this guy, who remarkably looks like our math-1 teacher mr. chua, spoke for about seventeen straight minutes. brief, eh?
then came the ex-senator... who goes by the name of Leticia Ramos-Shahani... familiar? right. according to her curriculum vitae, (which was recited to us by mr. chua-replica) she was an educator, author, diplomat, and legislator. she had studied and taught at five of the best international universities that Mother Earth can offer us. she knew her French... she had been honored by Spain, and France... and she is definitely Filipino.
she greatly reminded us of our very own ma'am capinpin, who likewise advised us to take science courses for our future careers. the only thing that she lacks is a booming impact on the audience, for she speaks quite mildly and gently, in contrast to ma'am capinpin's impact-filled voice. (edge: ms. capinpin! hahaha.) and she discouraged us from looking for greener pastures, that is, migrating. quoting her, she stressed that our migrating is tantamount to exporting Filipino prodigies to foreign use. how sick.
then came the "lively" lecture, according to the lecturer. beforehand he promised us that we won't get sleepy during the course of his speech. mind you, he was right, for we could've fallen to a slump immediately any point that time. kidding aside... he gave a short quiz, testing the waters... and manila science, known for their mastery of the sciences, mistook galileo for the invention of the telescope. shame on them. we were the most active delegation, and noticeably the most in number... all of us had our shares. we were able to answer intelligently, compared to the others, who were quite lanky...
[here is an excerpt.... *i'm sorry, but i used shortcuts....*]
lecturer: what you see on the screen is a portrait entitled...
students: the Mona Lisa.
lecturer: magaling... can you give some strange features of Mona Lisa?
QueSci (c/o miles): she looks androgenous... one who exemplifies both traits of a man and a woman. first... and forgive me for the term, but she has flat breasts... her cheekbones exhibit that of a man's... and her hair is long, like that of a woman's...
lecturer: very good! anyone else?
MlaSci (c/o a small dark chubby or maybe fat effeminate guy): she has a mysterious smile.
lecturer: mysterious? could you tell us what you mean?
fat kid: .......
so who says other science high school students are better than us in science? to hell with them! go quesci!!!!
back to the lecture. he told us about remote sensing - the ability to feel without touching an object. in short, it is the power of the observing eye. he then showed us satellite pictures, space technology facts, and all that jazz. hey, cool things, anyway... we learned that potato chips sold at the sari-sari stores are directly linked to the apollo space program. how? junk food wrappers are basically made of this certain radiation-reflecting material called mylar, which was also used in the spacesuits of the apollo astronauts. and we learned a lot more...
the lecture ended later, and we headed outside and downstairs to this GPS exhibit (GPS stands for global positioning system... it is a tracking device, obviously one of the products of space technology.) down there, we queued up for our souvenirs (a bag which contains a visor, a red-and-blue-lens pair of shades, and other paraphernalia) and refreshments (consisting of one tuna sandwich, one banana, and two tetra-pak drinks).
while we were enjoying our snacks, some of our colleagues geared up for this treasure hunt in which they will be mainly aided by a GPS device. we ended up second place, behind makati science, the maid-looking girls and their male counterparts in green. manila science? dead last. *and oh yes, i'm oh-so-cruel...*
we were brought back to our campus through an air-conditioned shuttle bus. as for our happy moment, we (the fourth year delegates) all wore our visors and shades as we made our way up the stairs. so much for this day... for there are some details that i would prefer not to discuss. if you ever come to know of it... keep your silence, for my sake... thank you.
my last words? go quesci! hail to the blue-checkers and navy blues!
inside the classroom. out in the corridors. by the pathways. and even at the public market. in other words... virtually everywhere i go.
it's always there, flying by... and by, and by... like the willows in the wind... swish! a hand passed by... swish! swish! swish! someone caught it.
hands clasped tightly, head bowed down, eyes unaware of the light... he begins to pray in silence.
then a few moments pass by... he straightens up, opens his eyes and his palm, and looks at the little fluff with great expectations.
then... a gust of wind carries the willow away...
away... to... where?
up to the heavens? down to solid ground? into the hands of someone else, who in turn makes his or her version of prayers... and by, and by, and by...
do tell me... why is the common dandelion fluff used as the primary medium for our pleas and dreams? why do we sound peculiarly hopeful whenever we swear by the dandy fluff?
is it just one of those measly superstitions? does it inject something to think of in your mind? why am i asking these things?
or is it for me, a strange case of deja vu?
deja vu. how silly. so what if i had these premonitions of flying fluffies when someone left me four years ago? so what if one small wish, out of a million wishes, came true, no thanks to the dear fluffy? then again, what if that single wish doesn't matter to you anymore?
oooh... does it matter now? NO???
so why, oh why, do i, by instinct, keep on groping for these little things everytime i see them? why do i close my eyes shut, bow my head, fold my hands in prayer?
why am i readily able to let go of those fluffs, but not of anything else?
..............
OF ANYTHING ELSE!!!! why can't i? why keep on hoping for something real vague and... way too impossible?
how come i realize such, yet can't do anything about it?
do tell me.. do i have to do ANYTHING else? or have i done too much... enough to let go?
36 1/2 hours after my bout with bronchitis, my parents' silver vios made a surprise appearance at our school's parking lot.
it was family day for avo-4, and i wasn't expecting them until seven. so i pleaded to our adviser to release my card ahead of everyone else, and then off we went, to home sweet home.
'twas a sad thing, missing the first of few gatherings, but then again, i might also need a rest, and i understand my parents' concern for that. whatever...
upon reaching the front doors, i recognized a faint scent drifting from somewhere inside: paint. not minding the smell, i made my way in and up to our bedroom, till i realized that the smell was growing stronger. i looked up - and lo, and behold, i finally knew; our bedroom was being repainted.
"o, gusto nyo ba yung kulay?" asked my father. he was referring to the newly-furnished room walls, covered with sky blue paint. i refused to comment, but i honestly found it a bit disgusting; the shade of blue was quite too girlish for me. it's a good thing i'm not too picky about colors, and i can dwell with that.
the thing that bothers me is having to sleep in our sala floor, since the room is "under renovation"... i feared that my bronchitis would be triggered again at the event - dust and dirt were just all around, and add to that the strong odor of acrylic.
a night passed, and another, without incident. eventually my fears were quelled...
until monday early morning. that is, kaninang umaga lang. i woke up to this very odd feeling... chilly and weak and restless. i can't seem to get up. an hour and a quarter went through, and i was still in bed. i felt a cold, gentle hand on my neck... "may lagnat ka."
and so i was bedridden until now... while my parents are away at work. *finally, i've caught up with the rest of the blogging world... hahaha. (",)*
the week is quickly coming to a close... tomorrow would be friday - family day for avogadro-IV... together with the release of cards. no thrill in that.
and about five days ago, i took the ateneo college entrance test at room two of ateneo high school, 1:00 pm. actually the test started an hour later than expected... the test was so damn easy. it was nothing like other people say about it - hard, difficult, and oh-you'd-be-damned. dunno, but it was really quite easy to me...
then just eighteen hours earlier, something triggered my body to succumb to bronchitis. i was immediately brought to the hospital, where medications were administered. i was released eight hours earlier... which meant i was late for class. and i barely made through the day, though the fatigue and the sleeplessness resting on me wasn't evident, thank God.
generally, i feel so down and depressed. maybe it's just a vague feeling, but it probably means something that i have yet to know. it all came while i was browsing through blogs and journals.
at school, it's much worse. many a time have i been caught wandering to deep meaningless realities through longing gazes and blank stares at empty, dead spaces.
this is so sick.
and now... that's all for the week. boring, huh?
"gabriel! ikaw ba yan?"
yan na ang karaniwang sumbat ng mga tao sa akin kapag araw-araw na nila akong nakikitang maaga sa klase, may dalang malaking bag at nagsusulat ng notes. hindi ba makapaniwala ang mga tao na kaya ko ring magbago? pano ko ba papatunayang hindi pagpapakitang tao lamang ang lahat ng ito???
hay. pakiramdam ko tuloy walang direksyon ang buhay ko. walang purpose. walang dahilan. yun bang tipong "anong ginagawa ko sa mundong ito? Lord, bakit nyo ba ako ginawa?" kasi kahit anong pagbabago ang gawin ko, ganun pa rin ang tingin sakin ng mga tao.
lintik... nakakainis. gabriel, ano ba yan mga pinag-iiisip mo? oo. siguro sa katamaran ng taong ito puro pag-iisip na lang ang ginagawa. puro pagmumuni-muni. ano resulta? nananaginip ng gising.. nakatulala sa hangin.. syemay.
nahawa na yata ako sa mga psychotic sa UP. i need to strain myself. kailangan kong gumalaw. pagurin ang sarili, basta hindi sa kaiisip.
*sigh* nagbubuntong-hininga... putek, ano bang problema ko? ba't ba ako nagpapakatanga? face the truth. wala kang pag-asa. wag mong isiping meron. hoy... hoy.. teka lang! hindi iniiyakan yang mga ganyang bagay. tol, lalaki ka. ayusin mo sarili mo. wag kang parang bata. wag kang magmukmok diyan! ako sayo kalimutan mo na siya.
pero pano? paano?? kapag kinalimutan ko ba yun, gaganda ba buhay ko? gagaan ba kalooban ko? makakangiti na ba ako ulit ng tunay na ngiti? o ba't di mo masagot mga tanong mo? umayos ka gabriel! maawa ka sa sarili mo. tignan mo ha... kasi yung sakit ng paglimot, sandali lang yan. yung paghihintay... hindi mo alam! malay mo habang buhay ka nang naghihintay AT nasasaktan pero wala kang mapapala. tao ka. tandaan mo yan. may threshold of pain. darating yung point na di mo rin kakayanin. darating yun... at bibitaw ka rin. ako sayo, kung may gagawin ka, ngayon ko na gagawin yun. ngayon na ang tamang panahon! maawa ka sa sarili mo gabriel!!!!!!! eh pano kung hindi naman ako umaasa? pano kung sa kanya ko na nakita yung dahilan ko para mabuhay? at pano kung ang dahilang iyon ay mahalin siya... kahit ano pa??? siguro nga
mamamatay ako ng maaga, pero nagawa ko naman yung tungkulin ko sa mundong ito! tama ako diba? TAMA AKO! at maniwala ka sa akin, paninindigan ko yan!
=======
hayan. dulot ng stress at free time para mag-isip-isip. siguro lumala pa yan kung walang foundation days na dumating.
disco. syet, ang dilim. as if... ano nga bang aasahan ko? siguro nahihilo lang ako. stress lang yan. ba't pa ba ako pumunta dito? di naman ako marunong sumayaw. ang ginagawa pa lang naman namin ay magbuhat at mabuhat ng mga kaibigan patungo sa loob ng isang "circle" at tumakbo. yun lang. sana gumagawa na lang ako ng AP, nakatulong pa ako kay miles. 30 minuto ang lumilipas. wala na, ayoko na yata. walang kadire-direksyon ang buhay ko. pero... ayoko pa umalis. andito mga kaibigan ko. dito ako masaya, in some way.... hay. anong kalokohan na ba itong pinagiisip ko? gosh! psychotic na nga yata talaga ako! pano to?
rrrring... rrrring.... "hello?... ah andyan na po kayo? sige po... sabihin nyo lang po anong kelangan... di pa po tapos, pero try ko na lang bumalik.. sige po, babay..." oh goodness. the best of times, yet the worst of times. pinag-grocery ba naman ako. mga magulang ko talaga. pasalamat sila mahal ko sila! wahaha. anyway, sunod na lang. sige. sana makabalik pa ako. sana lang. 1 zillion years later, tapos na ako mag-grocery. tawag ulit si bossing: "... ha? di na po ako babalik? o sige po.. papunta na ako." the worst of times, and the worse of times. ewan ko ba. di na raw ako babalik dun. badtrip naman o. anyway, pagod na rin naman ako so patawarin na lang. pero.... whatever. gagawa na lang ako ng AP. tatapusin ko na. isesend kay miles. whew. goodnight.
ang aga na naman ng gising ko. excited? day 1 of 2 ng foundation days. umuulan. malamig. no reason for excitement? pronto. "the clock on the TV... says 6:59 am... it's too late..." sabi ni miles. late? para sa fun run. as if may tumakbong 4th year. ang corny kasi eh. naglalakad ako papunta, biglang may batalyon ng mga first year na sumalubong sa akin. hindi na ako sumali.... hanggang sa nalaman ko na lang na may chuckie ung mga tumakbo. hayun, hanap ako ng kasama, tapos takbo, ikot sa terminal ng tricycle, daldal sandali, tapos balik! kaya may chuckie na kami! wahaha. ang saya... pero ang lamig pa rin. naka-blue nga naman kasi eh...
mamaya-maya nagsimula na yung kickoff ceremonies. ayos lang naman, nakatanga lang kami dun, binabantayan ng mga cocc at sinasabi sa aming manatili sa covered court kahit na ayaw namin... nakinig kami sa mga mahahaba ngunit puro pambobolang talumpati ng kung sino-sinong guest speakers kuno... ang enjoy lang na part ay yung sumayaw yung ibang mga studyante... tsaka mga teachers na rin, wala lang. ang galing nilang sumayaw, lalo na si ma'am alvarez... inlab na nga yata ako sa kanya eh... wahaha... tapos nun nakipagpatintero kami dun sa mga cocc ng sandali para mang-istorbo bago tumungo sa english booth na kung saan kami naka-istasyon.
hay, nakakapagod pala kapag on-duty ka. grabe. yung booth kasi namin baggage atsaka booksale. nakalugar yun sa may tapat ng socsci center, katabi ng property room. simula pa lang nung araw grabe, kung kani-kaninong mukha ang mga nakita ko, lalo na yung mga naka-berde, andami nila, ang sakit sa mata! hayun, tapos minsan may iaabot sa aking libro yung isang bata kasi bibilhin niya... ako naman si wirdo, tinitigan lang siya na pawang hindi alam ang dapat gawin *eh hindi naman talaga, nakalimutan..* hayun, kakapagod talaga.
after lunch, nanood kami nung cheering competition kung saan kasali ang freshmen, sophomores, at juniors. ba't di kami kasali? sobrang galing na kasi namin para doon -
grand slam nga eh. di na kelangang patunayan yun... si jaimee faith naman katabi kong nanonood nun.. sobrang linait namin lahat ng mga batches sa kawalang-kakwentahan nung mga presentations.. yung sa first year nga nabansagang "on-court practice" ng mga tao eh.. kaawa-awa talaga... at ang sama naming mang-asar, pero yun naman ang totoo! nanghihinayang nga yung buong batch '06 dahil di kami sumali, dahil daw masyadong maraming gagawin; pero tingin namin agkakita dun sa mga presentations... tugsh! sana sumali na lang talaga kami. kahit na wala nang dapat patunayan. anyway, ayos na... yata. kasi mukhang nagka-away, nagkainitan yung seniors atsaka juniors bago sabihin yung panalo. basta nag-asaran... at sa totoo lang kampi ang seniors sa sophomores... ewan ko kung baket, pero siguro dahil ayaw "naming" manalo ang juniors... and true enough, nagchampion ang sophs, second and juniors... at pinaulanan ng seniors ang juniors ng mga banat. grabe...
anyway, naghahanda na ang mga tao para sa battle of the bands after nun. so alisan na ang mga tao... mga 4:30 wala na akong kasama, so tinry ko bumalik sa school. nakita ko si kathy... since di naman ako pupunta, sinamahan ko na muna siya... tapos mula dun biglang nagbago ang aura, ang mood, ang environment... parang sobrang lungkot talaga.... ewan ko ba! pareho kaming makaramdam ng ganun... pumunta kami ng mcdo, sumama dun sa mga kaklase namin, pero ang mood, tahimik, malungkot, ganun pa rin... parang hindi magpupunta sa battle of the bands *well hindi naman po talaga* sa tahimik... tinatanong na nga kami nung mga kasama namin, "okey lang ba kayo?" tapos sasagot kami, hindi namin alam. ang labo? ang labo! ayun! mga 6 pa lang, umuwi na ako. sobrang badtrip na talaga, sa mcdo naluluha na raw ako *sabi nila.*
gusto kong pumunta talaga ng battle kaso ayaw ng magulang ko. badtrip. nakakainis! kaya natulog na lang ako sa bahay, at nagmuni-muni... salamat sa Diyos di ako umiyak... pero ang lungkot ko talaga nun! *baket ba ako ganito? badtrip! hmmp!*
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bwisit. napagod na ako't lahat pero ganun pa rin. sige, hanggang dito na lang muna. kunwari naghahanda na ako para sa Ateneo. wahoo. ciao!
sa isang sulok ng classroom, merong isang makulay na "gc-board" kung san nakalagay ang lahat ng dapat gawin per subject except electives. kadalasan, wala yan gaanong laman. pero pag tinopak ang mga teachers, humanda na lang.
nung isang linggo, eto yung mga nakasulat...
english: ----
chem: quiz
pinoy: kab. 22
math: suntukin si gab!
ap:
p6: ----
pehm: ----
research: ----
yada, yada, yada. sige, kahit balik-balikan mo pa yan, basta last week yan yung nakalagay.
the response was clearly positive. maya't maya, may susuntok, babalya, babangga saken (kadalasan si jason o si ronald o si kevin o si noel o si ronnie). nung friday nung isang linggo akala ko babagsak na talaga ako. ang sakit talaga ng mga braso ko nun. himala na sigurong nakauwi pa ako...
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debate, quiz, reporting, quiz, quiz, assignment, assignment, essay..... di na ba nagsawa yung mga teachers na yan? siguro mas okey nang gawing project yung "suntukin si gab" kaysa ganyan karaming gagawin eh! bwisit nga naman talaga.
sana na lang pagkatapos nun time-out muna. please....
hay. ayan ka na naman eh. malambing, sobrang sweet, ewan ko ba. yun bang kahit isang "martir" na tulad ko'y di maiwasang ngumiti sa tuwa...
ba't ka ba ganyan saken? hindi sa nagfi-feeling ako ha. totoo naman diba? yan tuloy. dahil sa lahat ng ginawa mo para sakin, lahat ng sinabi mo, lahat-lahat na... di ko maiwasang isipin.... minsan nga halos di na ako makapagpigil... siguro naman napapansin mong kadalasan, di na lang ako magrereact, mananahimik na lang. hindi ko na kasi talaga alam!!!!! waaaa!!!
hay. ganito na lang... may gusto kasi akong itanong sayo... alam mo kasi, para kasi akong tuod dito... di makakilos, walang magawa. kasi hindi ko alam... siguro nga naiipit lang rin ako sa mga nararamdaman ko...
ngayon, sana sagutin mo naman yung tanong na ito.... para alam ko na kung anong gagawin ko. at wag kang mag-alala, handa na rin ako sa kung anumang isasagot mo. masaktan na kung masaktan, matuwa na kung masaya nga.
o.. eto na....
ano kasi....
sino ba talaga ako sayo?
hay. pasensya ka na. (",)
prrrt! swoosh. thud! phuck. clang! a millisecond of silence. and then, shriek! boo! ^&!@#$*!!! whoooo!!!! aargh!!
prrt! prrrt! prrrrrrrrt!!!
all these heard while you see players run in and out in streaking blurs, while you watch balls thrown from this side to another, while you marvel at the swift and graceful motion of rackets and arms, while referees frantically try to restore order in every instance.
ahh, the sights and sounds of such games... how... tormenting.
for at the end of the day, everyone loses... their body water and stamina, their interest at anything else, thier temper, their time, and eventually their money.
at least you enjoy, for once.
and here's where the so-called "trade-off," more commonly known as "opportunity cost," comes in. fun or health? moments of pure exhilariation or a guarantee to health and safety?
it's all up to you. just manage your "resources" well.
and one more thing - be prepared... for the best, or for the worst. (",)
five years ago, i would glare at my friends everytime they taunt me whenever she passes by. i would bow my head, cover my ears, sit in a corner, and ignore all those jeers. i would blush a deep shade of crimson everytime our eyes meet. i would be avoiding her like some contagious lunatic.
i would be like that - a pessimist lover, as they call it; the one who has a thousand senseless reasons to say when asked "why do you love someone?" not that i could really say that "i loved her"... maybe i don't; maybe it's infatuation, or worse, obssession. maybe love was just a game to me. maybe i did not really know what love is.
that was five years ago.
since then i've changed, no thanks to the many faces and places i've encountered. since then i've to become a whole new someone barely distinguishable from that little kid five years ago.
and now... i know. i've learned. i've understood. i suddenly realize that love is something much deeper than what it seems to be. it's not a simple game where someone wins by a mile and someone loses his dignity. it cannot be judged by a thousand senseless reasons; in fact, technically you don't have a reason for loving someone... and it's definitely not a case of mere obssession or sheer infatuation or anything like that. it could only be, at best, a tiny fragment of the big picture.
since then i've learned how to love. to love through hurting and pain. to give, yet not to receive. to stand strong through tear-flooded eyes. to realize when enough really is enough. to hold on. to let go. to forgive and forget. to move on... to accept the fact that if you weren't meant to be, it's just as is. to find someone else, and hope that you'll get something better in return. to face the truth (yeah, face it guys and girls!) that this is what really happens, until you meet the person of your dreams.
*sigh.* all said and done, that's how it is... for now. who knows, five years later, things might change, take a turn for better... or for worse.
hi guys... hmmm.... it's been a week since last, if my memory serves me right.
and of course, a lot of events can fit into such a week. in summary, this is what happened, from last sunday to now. apologies to everyone, but i don't have the time for a long entry these days. it's quite... understandable, right? thanks.
during the past week, we finished a soft copy of our project in chemistry (a magazine all about *??* chemistry, of course!), practiced and performed for the annual linggo ng wika, participated (or at least present) in an open forum which consisted of two sections (supposedly a handful of persons... *peace guys!*), and tried to worm out an honest confession from a terror teacher regarding her untolerable behavior and mood swings (sorry, ma'am).
personally, i tried to fit in all these. also, i went through the worst "bad hair week" ever in my high school life, with the endless taunts i endured because i gave someone a bouquet of roses (big deal!!!!). in short, i was just not... myself, including the fact that i was only late thrice this week (partly because of being reprimanded by our english-first subject teacher).
i was also able to read four (yes, four!) long novels this week, and i'm still working on another one. and i cut down on my internet usage, just to add spice. (hallelujah! is that for real???) and oh... guess what, i've been taking notes in class in an orange filler, since the start of the second quarter.
and to end the festivites, here's a quote for everyone:
life is like a box of chocolates... you'll never know what you'll get.
as of now, i'm happily nibbling on a white peppermint choco bar. doesn't really taste good, but it will suit for the moment. hey, i know don't sound coherent or, if anything, rational. do forgive me - everything's unplanned, and i can do nothing about it. i'm very sorry.
maybe i'll never know what really hit me this week, but let's hope it's all only for once...
all these for a change??? oh, drop it, gab.
8:00, sunup. oh shoot, i'm gonna be late again. i wonder how many people will try to make the deadline.... never mind. gerald won't be there that early. i mean, duh... you know him. (peace to you my friend!)
i went down to the sala, where all my requirements lay - essays, forms, letters, and... where're the pictures? goodness, i think i lost the ID pics! and so began the frantic search for the missing IDs, scrutinizing every nook and cranny, but all in vain... at least until 8:30.
and oh yes, here we go again, the usual. I'M late again. at the quickest, i was able to arrange myself, take a jeep, and brisk walk to copytrade in one hour. with everything in place, i started my rush to mcdo carpark. round the corner i realized that i didn't have my wallet with me, and left it by the copier. so much for five minutes of backs and forths...
by nine-quarter i was all secured in mcdo. and not surprisingly, my friend was already there - at least half an hour ago.
so we made our journey to the jeepney stop and (of course!) took a jeep to UP. on the way we heard an old lady grumbling about camping trips and defective principals (most probably our principal?)
next stop was the katipunan terminal. on the way we met cj's mom, evidently going that way due to the same reason that we were.
moments later we were at the opposite side of the ateneo campus, walking towards an overpass with a blue-colored roof. (a special loyola request?) somewhere in the middle of the pass we saw three stray kids busying themselves over a brown leather wallet containing a few dollar bills (according to what i saw) and nothing else. (how and where will they use the dollars? i mean, do they know how??)
after crossing the highway, we entered the school and took a tricycle to xavier hall (also known as the administration building.) hey, the campus IS really big enough to accomodate a whole tricycle terminal daily....
on the way familiar faces showed up like one of my classmate's sister and a pack of other scientians [im]patiently waiting in line.
while waiting for our turn in the long queue, we met anna ehll, another classmate, who felt the need for tongue-twisting or something like that. she was quite talkative, anyway, so its usual that she inform me some trivial bits about the red shirt she was wearing. by the way, i was
wearing yellow, and gerald, blue. (anyone said Philippine flags?) the long line was quite tolerable for it gave me time to finish my application forms completely.
now here's how the process goes: first, the front man (named jez) will call your attention and designate to you a number. this number will be the counter where you will be accommodated by an enrollment committee staffer (mine was 8.) this is also where you submit your COMPLETED requirements.
if there is something lacking, you will be called again and be informed of...
...your ineligibility to take the test because of lacking documents. mwahaha!!!! no, i was just kidding. you will be told to return next week with the complete forms. simple as that may be, it only applies for the scholarship forms.
and make sure you have your pictures stapled. i didn't, so i had to enter the main admissions office and ask for staple wire. i even remember how violently my hands were shaking during that time. cool, huh?
anyway, after that you'll only have to wait for your name to be called, then you go to the counter, and voila! you're done after you take the test permit.
in our small group i was the last one to be called (because of the stapler delay.) it was 12:30 when we finished everything, and all of us needed to pass at least two scholarship requirements by august 26. (anyway, we did our best; our parents should take care of those.)
with nothing to do, we took the time for a little stroll, some walk in the park. and oh, ateneo was really THAT beautiful. the silence, the serenity, the de-stress posters (I have a colorful one in my envelope; they got dual-coloured ones. tee-hee...), the dominant GREEN grass, the clean pathways... it was possibly a student's Eden in my opinion.
walking out of the school grounds, i started thinking about my future again. and the question starts to hum again, time after time...
ateneo or up? blue or maroon? i'm sure gerald and anna and cj and many others are thinking about it.
follow the heart. and try to save money, guys... a friendly reminder from your everyday blogger. (",)
tomorrow, a friend of mine (and ours as well) will be leaving for the states. so from tomorrow thereon, life will be different, you know, not seeing a face which yesterday was there, and all that.
i tell you - i've had enough of these stuff. not because i want them to leave, or anything. it's just that i feel hurt whenever these things happen.
you'd say it's natural, that eventually we'll have to leave each other. yeah right. but it will leave a thorn in your hearts. believe me.
three times.... one in elementary, two in high school. what could come next?
you'll understand why i feel like these. it hurts a lot, everytime someone leaves you behind.
right?
however, we could only wish people like him well. God bless to you....
bulag. tanga. mapang-api. manhid.
sabi nila, ganyan ka raw.
bingi. mas tanga. nagpapaapi. martir.
ayan. ayan naman daw ako.
alam mo, tama sila. ikaw... kung bumanat, parang wala lang yung tao sa tabi-tabi. di maintindihan kung nagpaparinig ba o gustong manakit o nangiinis lang talaga. ako... parang timang na di umiimik. hambalos dito, hamablos doon, aba, walang pakialam. sabi nila, kailangan daw magbago na ako. nakakaawa na raw kasi. akala mo walang pakialam sa mundo, pero tignan mo ung mata o, naluluha na yata, pero nagpipigil pa rin.
sumbat dito nung isa, "kaya mo pa ba?" sa kabila naman, "okey ka lang?" si martir naman, sasagot, "oo, sanay na eh. ayos lang yan." diba, ang tikas ng dating? hindi.
alam mo, sa totoo lang, mahirap eh. mahirap yung sinasakal ka na, inaapakan, linalampaso sa isang sulok, pero mag-inarte na parang wala lang. mahirap yung hindi ka na nga makahinga, hindi ka na makabangon, pero hala sige, pabaya pa rin.
kaya tama nga talaga sila - kailangang magbago na ako.
pano ka naman ngayon?
wala naman. ayos nang ganyan ka. kasi sa totoo lang, kahit anong sabihin kong ititigil ko na ang kalokohang ito, babalik at babalik pa rin ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. bakit? dahil ikaw yan.
kung magbago ba ako, ibig sabihin ba nun di ka na mahalaga saken? magbabago ba ang pagtingin ko sayo? eh bulag nga ako diba? wala akong pakialam sa kung ano ka sa ibang tao. basta ganyan ka sa akin.
siguro nga, ganun ka na kahalaga. hindi ko mawari kung bakit, pero ganun na lang talaga. at siyempre, ayaw ko na malayo ako sa isang taong mahalaga sa akin diba? natural lang 'yon. intindihin mo na lang sana.
malabo ba ako? oo... pero sana... maintindihan mo. alam mo naman kasi kung bakit ako ganito sayo... c:
HaloScan commenting and tracking system has been activated in this site.
in other words, pwede na kayong mag-comment sa mga post ko. click nyo lang yung "link" sa baba ng bawat entry...
at long last. ang tagal kong naghanap ng feature na ganito....
so... voice out your opinions, say what you think... okey lang kung murahin nyo pa ako sa mga katangahan ko, maiintindihan ko yun, basta... speak up guys!!! (",)
*special thanks to ate kimie - pinirata ko lang kasi ito sa blogsite nya. salamat... hehe!!!*
click. screeeeech. HALT!
everything's gone waaaaaaaaaay too fast. i didn't realize that until NOW.
first, the periodical exam week. the exams (where i finished almost everything first, *damn research* and fast). then a whole lot of requirements for monday. and while you're working at it, here comes the filipino stuff - sabayang bigkas. what else, what else???
now's MY time to self-reflect. to slow down. relax, for just a few moments. try not to rush anything. inhale, exhale.... no panicking.
sleep tonight. and then wake up, try to do everything tomorrow. yeah, that's what i'd better do. no, that's the best i can do.
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