the silent speaks...

salamat. salamat. paalam?

2005-10-12T16:52:00.000+08:00

hay. andami na ngang nangyari't nagdaan na yumanig sa aking kaluluwa. akala ko guguho na ako, hindi ko na kakayanin.

pero salamat, at naramdaman kong andyan kayo, nasa tabi ko lang. kayo yung nagkaron ng lakas ng loob na batukan ako't sabihin sa aking gumsing na ako sa aking mga panaginip at tama na ang pagpapakatanga, sobra na. kayo yung nakapagpigil sa mga luha ko, at kayo rin yung nagsabing wag ko nang pigilan, dapat ilabas ang lahat ng kalungkutan. kayo yung nagturo sa akin kung pano maging masaya. kayo yung nagpasaya saken.

dinamayan niyo ako.

salamat. mahal ko talaga kayo.

====

naku naman, di ko alam bakit ko pa ginagawa ito. siguro nagsawa na ako sa layout, o dun sa address bar... pero... magpapalit na naman ako ng blog. haha. di na nagsawa noh? pasensya na ha. sabi nga nila, kung may gagawin man ako, gawin ko na kung kailan kakayanin. at siguro kaya ko na... pero, hindi ko pa rin naman idedelete to eh. wag kayong mag-alala. gagawa lang ulit ako ng bago.

pero sa susunod, ibang gabriel na yung masasaksihan niyo sa mga isusulat niya. *ang corny noh? hehe!* pangako? hindi. susubukan ko lang. pag natapos ko na yung site, iaannounce ko na lang yung address. hehehe. salamat ulit sa inyong lahat. hanggang sa muli... (",)

__. ._ _... ._._._ ._._._ ._._._

2005-10-10T09:53:00.000+08:00

so how've you been the past few weeks, gab? revisiting your not-so-distant past writings? how much did you find out?

yes, you might have changed sites, but it all speaks of only one thing. you do know that. and, yes, you were right when you said life is a never-ending cycle of merely a few events. like they say, history repeats itself.

so it's time to break the chain.

you say you're not hoping that anything would happen. and yet you do these very convincing things, which expresses your deepest longing for something to happen.

this i tell you!: either stop eating your words, oh gabriel, or stop writing in your journal. it's basically... this for that. but... just wait. be patient. just stay still and wait. and, in waiting, do nothing. precisely because you're just waiting, right?. so please, just stay.

you've been waiting for already a long time... maybe a few months or years more would perfectly hold out fine... heartbreaks? nah. too much of that. maybe more of them shouldn't affect you by now.

i hope you understand.

====

hmmmp. ikaw naman... pakasaya ka na lang sa buhay mo. hindi na ako makikialam. wala ka nang kailangang sabihin saken.

sorry...

2005-10-08T07:51:00.000+08:00

mas malala ka pa... mas malala ka pa!

hmmp! anong kalokohan ba itong pinasukan ko? akala ko makakabuti sa akin... akala ko mas gaganda buhay ko... tapos... hmmp! mas malala ka pa talaga! sa totoo lang, wala ka rin palang pinagkaiba sa iba... pare-pareho lang kayo! putek talaga!

bakit pa kasi... ikaw? sa lahat ng pwede? akala ko kasi iba ka. putek. nagkamali pala ako. maling mali!!! nabulag lang ako... naloko...

kung magsalita ka naman kasi parang andaming magandang nangyayari. saan ko ba napulot yun? ako naman si tanga, sobrang tanga, nagpapaniwala. ayan. naloko na! at oo, aaminin ko. umasa ako... pero pinapaasa mo lang pala talaga ako. sana hindi na lang tayo naglokohan ng ganito... pareho naman pala nating alam na wala talaga. wala. wala!!!

ngayon... sabihin mo sa akin... bakit mo ginawa yun? ba't mo sinabi yung mga ganung bagay? tingin mo ba pag nalaman ko yung katotohanan hindi ako masasaktan? mukha ba akong manhid, walang puso, walang pakiramdam? eh pano kita mamahalin nun?

kaya naman naisip ko na itanong kung sino ba talaga ako sayo. para maging ganun ka rin sa akin. para tama lang. pinangako ko yan. ngayon, alam ko na. palamuti. dekorasyon. basura. iniitsupwera lang. yun lang pala ako sayo.

pero... hindi ko kayang tratuhin ka ng ganyan... bakit? kasi mahal kita? oo. mahal na mahal kita. kaya hindi ko magawang magalit sayo. putek talaga!

nung una... akala ko matitiis ko yung sakit, yung kirot ng mga pinaggagagawa mo. sa huli magwawala rin pala ako ng ganito. sa huli, luhaan nga talaga ako. luhaan. lagi naman eh. lagi na lang!!!

sabihin mo na sa akin. ba't mo pa ako pinaasa ng ganito? ba't mo ginustong masaktan lang ako? hay. sabihin mo na lang kung tama yung hula kong sagot, ha?

kasi wala lang ako sayo. wala. wala. tama diba? hmmp! hindi ko na maintindihan ba't pinahahalagahan kita ng ganito. ang labo na ng lahat ng bagay. sobrang labo... ang labo mo rin kasi... nakakainis!

sabi mo nga, marami pang lalaki dyan. sabi mo nga, maganda ka naman... sabagay, tama ka. kaya nagkaron ka ng karapatan na ibasura ako ng ganito. naiintindihan ko na.

hay. nakakamatay nga pala ang akala.

leche 'tong buhay na to.

=======

sa kabila ng lahat ng ito.... haaaaaaaay.

sorry ha. ako ang may problema. ako. wala ka namang kasalanan. ako lang talaga. hindi naman ikaw yung nag-iisip nyan eh. hindi naman ikaw yung umiiyak gabi-gabi dahil diyan. hindi naman ikaw yung nasasaktan. ako lang. ako. ako...

nakakaloka noh?

pagkatapos ng lahat ng yan, babalik rin ako sa dating ako... at makakalimutan ko rin yung mga sinabi ko....

pero ikaw... ganyan ka pa rin... at siguro ganyan ka na talaga... hindi naman sa gusto kitang magbago... ano nga ba namang pakialam mo saken diba? at sino ba ako para makialam sa buhay mo? alam ko. wala.

oo, nasasaktan na naman ako.

pero... ganito kasi eh... ilang beses na rin akong nasaktan... napakarami na rin nun... dahil sayo. kaya kung masaktan man ako ulit... hindi ko na masyadong iindahin yun. mula ngayon. ganyan talaga pag nasasanay, diba?

pero wala ka talagang kasalanan... kaya pabayaan mo na lang ako. kalimutan mo na rin kung gusto mo.

ito na lang hiling ko...

pabayaan mo na lang rin akong mahalin ka sa paraan na alam ko.

enlightened.

2005-10-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

at long last, i can say that this is one of the best days of my high school life. i just feel so liberated. woohoo.

today we had no classes. it was world teachers' day, so they needed a break. hell, we need one too. haha.

during english time, i was about to go into a frenzy because of this presentation thing, until when i found out that there would be no presentation for that day...

says our student teacher ("student" first... he says.) this guy has finished his term of teaching in quesci. he'll be leaving us. how sad. but anyway, life's plainly just like that. no hard feelings... anyway, we got to have a small chat with him, and got to know him somewhat better. hey, mind you, he speaks tagalog, he does. he just did on the last day. strange...

the next few hours, nothing special really happened, except that there was a Catholic mass from eight to nine downstairs. then we had our general cleaning.

i swept the floor for thirty minutes. it was then i realized that i was very good at it, provided that i was pondering over some distressful thought. i did wonderfully great, so four hours later i swept the floor once more, while they were doing some floor polishing outside. very relieving, believe me. (might as well follow suit, distressed people out there? haha.)

then this friend of mine planned a birthday surprise for his lovey-dovey girl. *forgive me for my terms..* hey, the thing failed... at first sight. when we were about to do his wooing thing, the nerves went into his head, and he seemingly forgot what-the-hell-was-he-supposed-to-do-standing-in-front-of-her. the good part is, he got to talk to the girl. *yikee!!*

and i nearly forgot, we are going to have a field trip! on october 11, guys. avogadro-4 will have its own solo bus. we gotta enjoy. dunno the timeframe, but that's it. no classes on monday. woohoo! (first time i enjoyed the fact that there were no classes. strange.)

so basically, a very fine day.

but... not everything is perfect, right? so... what went wrong?

this i tell you: only one very intricate detail... just you. you know who you are. dammit.

the "odyssey."

2005-10-05T20:44:00.000+08:00

hey guys, did you know that this week is "world space week?" yes, and for those once unknowing earth citizens like me, it has been that way since 1951, the year of launching of the russian spacecraft named sputnik.

being a part of the astronomy elective class, we were "forced" *forgive me for my wording* to go to this space technology seminar, dubbed "space odyssey 2005." at least, we did not get excused from class for nothing... or maybe, that should be "I" did not... we went there by school service - y'know, the jeepneys and vans parked outside the school campus during regular school days... three of them. the delegates numbered forty-one.

anyway, the UP college of engineering auditorium, located on the second floor, was the venue for the said event. (hey, for those who will study there in the future, good for you... the place might look scrawny facade-wise, but the interior is... damn awesome. *only wish i took engineering...*) we arrived there to the sight of another bunch of students. later came two more schools.

the introductory speaker was an intelligent-looking guy wearing glasses and a blue polo. he told us that that room would be renovated as soon as we leave it, thus this certain program would be the last before the makeover... thereby making it a very historic event. what-ever. he also introduced each of the four science high schools present - manila, makati, marikina, and quezon city. first thing I noticed? we proudly have the best school uniforms compared to the nanny-like and common public high school-type regulars of the three others... and possibly, the best in metro manila. *go quesci!!!!*

after him were three more speakers, one a guest. one was the UPD Chancellor, who was said to be good in music and in math. the next was some sort of Dean in the college, I forgot what she did for a living... followed by another introductory speaker, who gave a very brief speech about the next speaker - a former senator whose curriculum vitae was spawned with achievements of all sorts and of numerous world-class institution affiliations. this guy, who remarkably looks like our math-1 teacher mr. chua, spoke for about seventeen straight minutes. brief, eh?

then came the ex-senator... who goes by the name of Leticia Ramos-Shahani... familiar? right. according to her curriculum vitae, (which was recited to us by mr. chua-replica) she was an educator, author, diplomat, and legislator. she had studied and taught at five of the best international universities that Mother Earth can offer us. she knew her French... she had been honored by Spain, and France... and she is definitely Filipino.

she greatly reminded us of our very own ma'am capinpin, who likewise advised us to take science courses for our future careers. the only thing that she lacks is a booming impact on the audience, for she speaks quite mildly and gently, in contrast to ma'am capinpin's impact-filled voice. (edge: ms. capinpin! hahaha.) and she discouraged us from looking for greener pastures, that is, migrating. quoting her, she stressed that our migrating is tantamount to exporting Filipino prodigies to foreign use. how sick.

then came the "lively" lecture, according to the lecturer. beforehand he promised us that we won't get sleepy during the course of his speech. mind you, he was right, for we could've fallen to a slump immediately any point that time. kidding aside... he gave a short quiz, testing the waters... and manila science, known for their mastery of the sciences, mistook galileo for the invention of the telescope. shame on them. we were the most active delegation, and noticeably the most in number... all of us had our shares. we were able to answer intelligently, compared to the others, who were quite lanky...

[here is an excerpt.... *i'm sorry, but i used shortcuts....*]

lecturer: what you see on the screen is a portrait entitled...
students: the Mona Lisa.
lecturer: magaling... can you give some strange features of Mona Lisa?
QueSci (c/o miles): she looks androgenous... one who exemplifies both traits of a man and a woman. first... and forgive me for the term, but she has flat breasts... her cheekbones exhibit that of a man's... and her hair is long, like that of a woman's...
lecturer: very good! anyone else?
MlaSci (c/o a small dark chubby or maybe fat effeminate guy): she has a mysterious smile.
lecturer: mysterious? could you tell us what you mean?
fat kid: .......

so who says other science high school students are better than us in science? to hell with them! go quesci!!!!

back to the lecture. he told us about remote sensing - the ability to feel without touching an object. in short, it is the power of the observing eye. he then showed us satellite pictures, space technology facts, and all that jazz. hey, cool things, anyway... we learned that potato chips sold at the sari-sari stores are directly linked to the apollo space program. how? junk food wrappers are basically made of this certain radiation-reflecting material called mylar, which was also used in the spacesuits of the apollo astronauts. and we learned a lot more...

the lecture ended later, and we headed outside and downstairs to this GPS exhibit (GPS stands for global positioning system... it is a tracking device, obviously one of the products of space technology.) down there, we queued up for our souvenirs (a bag which contains a visor, a red-and-blue-lens pair of shades, and other paraphernalia) and refreshments (consisting of one tuna sandwich, one banana, and two tetra-pak drinks).

while we were enjoying our snacks, some of our colleagues geared up for this treasure hunt in which they will be mainly aided by a GPS device. we ended up second place, behind makati science, the maid-looking girls and their male counterparts in green. manila science? dead last. *and oh yes, i'm oh-so-cruel...*

we were brought back to our campus through an air-conditioned shuttle bus. as for our happy moment, we (the fourth year delegates) all wore our visors and shades as we made our way up the stairs. so much for this day... for there are some details that i would prefer not to discuss. if you ever come to know of it... keep your silence, for my sake... thank you.

my last words? go quesci! hail to the blue-checkers and navy blues!

fluffy dandy fluff.

2005-10-02T16:15:00.000+08:00

inside the classroom. out in the corridors. by the pathways. and even at the public market. in other words... virtually everywhere i go.

it's always there, flying by... and by, and by... like the willows in the wind... swish! a hand passed by... swish! swish! swish! someone caught it.

hands clasped tightly, head bowed down, eyes unaware of the light... he begins to pray in silence.

then a few moments pass by... he straightens up, opens his eyes and his palm, and looks at the little fluff with great expectations.

then... a gust of wind carries the willow away...

away... to... where?

up to the heavens? down to solid ground? into the hands of someone else, who in turn makes his or her version of prayers... and by, and by, and by...

do tell me... why is the common dandelion fluff used as the primary medium for our pleas and dreams? why do we sound peculiarly hopeful whenever we swear by the dandy fluff?

is it just one of those measly superstitions? does it inject something to think of in your mind? why am i asking these things?

or is it for me, a strange case of deja vu?

deja vu. how silly. so what if i had these premonitions of flying fluffies when someone left me four years ago? so what if one small wish, out of a million wishes, came true, no thanks to the dear fluffy? then again, what if that single wish doesn't matter to you anymore?

oooh... does it matter now? NO???

so why, oh why, do i, by instinct, keep on groping for these little things everytime i see them? why do i close my eyes shut, bow my head, fold my hands in prayer?

why am i readily able to let go of those fluffs, but not of anything else?

..............

OF ANYTHING ELSE!!!! why can't i? why keep on hoping for something real vague and... way too impossible?

how come i realize such, yet can't do anything about it?

do tell me.. do i have to do ANYTHING else? or have i done too much... enough to let go?

2_10

2005-10-02T00:00:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA. KASSANDRA DELOSO SALVACION!!!!

God bless po sayo! smile lagi!

mahal na mahal po kita!!!!

*wahooo. shortest entry ko! yata...*

sky blue and fever.

2005-09-26T15:59:00.000+08:00

36 1/2 hours after my bout with bronchitis, my parents' silver vios made a surprise appearance at our school's parking lot.

it was family day for avo-4, and i wasn't expecting them until seven. so i pleaded to our adviser to release my card ahead of everyone else, and then off we went, to home sweet home.

'twas a sad thing, missing the first of few gatherings, but then again, i might also need a rest, and i understand my parents' concern for that. whatever...

upon reaching the front doors, i recognized a faint scent drifting from somewhere inside: paint. not minding the smell, i made my way in and up to our bedroom, till i realized that the smell was growing stronger. i looked up - and lo, and behold, i finally knew; our bedroom was being repainted.

"o, gusto nyo ba yung kulay?" asked my father. he was referring to the newly-furnished room walls, covered with sky blue paint. i refused to comment, but i honestly found it a bit disgusting; the shade of blue was quite too girlish for me. it's a good thing i'm not too picky about colors, and i can dwell with that.

the thing that bothers me is having to sleep in our sala floor, since the room is "under renovation"... i feared that my bronchitis would be triggered again at the event - dust and dirt were just all around, and add to that the strong odor of acrylic.

a night passed, and another, without incident. eventually my fears were quelled...

until monday early morning. that is, kaninang umaga lang. i woke up to this very odd feeling... chilly and weak and restless. i can't seem to get up. an hour and a quarter went through, and i was still in bed. i felt a cold, gentle hand on my neck... "may lagnat ka."

and so i was bedridden until now... while my parents are away at work. *finally, i've caught up with the rest of the blogging world... hahaha. (",)*

unmovtivated.

2005-09-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

the week is quickly coming to a close... tomorrow would be friday - family day for avogadro-IV... together with the release of cards. no thrill in that.

and about five days ago, i took the ateneo college entrance test at room two of ateneo high school, 1:00 pm. actually the test started an hour later than expected... the test was so damn easy. it was nothing like other people say about it - hard, difficult, and oh-you'd-be-damned. dunno, but it was really quite easy to me...

then just eighteen hours earlier, something triggered my body to succumb to bronchitis. i was immediately brought to the hospital, where medications were administered. i was released eight hours earlier... which meant i was late for class. and i barely made through the day, though the fatigue and the sleeplessness resting on me wasn't evident, thank God.

generally, i feel so down and depressed. maybe it's just a vague feeling, but it probably means something that i have yet to know. it all came while i was browsing through blogs and journals.
at school, it's much worse. many a time have i been caught wandering to deep meaningless realities through longing gazes and blank stares at empty, dead spaces.

this is so sick.

and now... that's all for the week. boring, huh?

labo noh....

2005-09-20T21:37:00.000+08:00

"gabriel! ikaw ba yan?"

yan na ang karaniwang sumbat ng mga tao sa akin kapag araw-araw na nila akong nakikitang maaga sa klase, may dalang malaking bag at nagsusulat ng notes. hindi ba makapaniwala ang mga tao na kaya ko ring magbago? pano ko ba papatunayang hindi pagpapakitang tao lamang ang lahat ng ito???

hay. pakiramdam ko tuloy walang direksyon ang buhay ko. walang purpose. walang dahilan. yun bang tipong "anong ginagawa ko sa mundong ito? Lord, bakit nyo ba ako ginawa?" kasi kahit anong pagbabago ang gawin ko, ganun pa rin ang tingin sakin ng mga tao.

lintik... nakakainis. gabriel, ano ba yan mga pinag-iiisip mo? oo. siguro sa katamaran ng taong ito puro pag-iisip na lang ang ginagawa. puro pagmumuni-muni. ano resulta? nananaginip ng gising.. nakatulala sa hangin.. syemay.

nahawa na yata ako sa mga psychotic sa UP. i need to strain myself. kailangan kong gumalaw. pagurin ang sarili, basta hindi sa kaiisip.

*sigh* nagbubuntong-hininga... putek, ano bang problema ko? ba't ba ako nagpapakatanga? face the truth. wala kang pag-asa. wag mong isiping meron. hoy... hoy.. teka lang! hindi iniiyakan yang mga ganyang bagay. tol, lalaki ka. ayusin mo sarili mo. wag kang parang bata. wag kang magmukmok diyan! ako sayo kalimutan mo na siya.

pero pano? paano?? kapag kinalimutan ko ba yun, gaganda ba buhay ko? gagaan ba kalooban ko? makakangiti na ba ako ulit ng tunay na ngiti? o ba't di mo masagot mga tanong mo? umayos ka gabriel! maawa ka sa sarili mo. tignan mo ha... kasi yung sakit ng paglimot, sandali lang yan. yung paghihintay... hindi mo alam! malay mo habang buhay ka nang naghihintay AT nasasaktan pero wala kang mapapala. tao ka. tandaan mo yan. may threshold of pain. darating yung point na di mo rin kakayanin. darating yun... at bibitaw ka rin. ako sayo, kung may gagawin ka, ngayon ko na gagawin yun. ngayon na ang tamang panahon! maawa ka sa sarili mo gabriel!!!!!!! eh pano kung hindi naman ako umaasa? pano kung sa kanya ko na nakita yung dahilan ko para mabuhay? at pano kung ang dahilang iyon ay mahalin siya... kahit ano pa??? siguro nga
mamamatay ako ng maaga, pero nagawa ko naman yung tungkulin ko sa mundong ito! tama ako diba? TAMA AKO! at maniwala ka sa akin, paninindigan ko yan!

=======

hayan. dulot ng stress at free time para mag-isip-isip. siguro lumala pa yan kung walang foundation days na dumating.

disco. syet, ang dilim. as if... ano nga bang aasahan ko? siguro nahihilo lang ako. stress lang yan. ba't pa ba ako pumunta dito? di naman ako marunong sumayaw. ang ginagawa pa lang naman namin ay magbuhat at mabuhat ng mga kaibigan patungo sa loob ng isang "circle" at tumakbo. yun lang. sana gumagawa na lang ako ng AP, nakatulong pa ako kay miles. 30 minuto ang lumilipas. wala na, ayoko na yata. walang kadire-direksyon ang buhay ko. pero... ayoko pa umalis. andito mga kaibigan ko. dito ako masaya, in some way.... hay. anong kalokohan na ba itong pinagiisip ko? gosh! psychotic na nga yata talaga ako! pano to?

rrrring... rrrring.... "hello?... ah andyan na po kayo? sige po... sabihin nyo lang po anong kelangan... di pa po tapos, pero try ko na lang bumalik.. sige po, babay..." oh goodness. the best of times, yet the worst of times. pinag-grocery ba naman ako. mga magulang ko talaga. pasalamat sila mahal ko sila! wahaha. anyway, sunod na lang. sige. sana makabalik pa ako. sana lang. 1 zillion years later, tapos na ako mag-grocery. tawag ulit si bossing: "... ha? di na po ako babalik? o sige po.. papunta na ako." the worst of times, and the worse of times. ewan ko ba. di na raw ako babalik dun. badtrip naman o. anyway, pagod na rin naman ako so patawarin na lang. pero.... whatever. gagawa na lang ako ng AP. tatapusin ko na. isesend kay miles. whew. goodnight.

ang aga na naman ng gising ko. excited? day 1 of 2 ng foundation days. umuulan. malamig. no reason for excitement? pronto. "the clock on the TV... says 6:59 am... it's too late..." sabi ni miles. late? para sa fun run. as if may tumakbong 4th year. ang corny kasi eh. naglalakad ako papunta, biglang may batalyon ng mga first year na sumalubong sa akin. hindi na ako sumali.... hanggang sa nalaman ko na lang na may chuckie ung mga tumakbo. hayun, hanap ako ng kasama, tapos takbo, ikot sa terminal ng tricycle, daldal sandali, tapos balik! kaya may chuckie na kami! wahaha. ang saya... pero ang lamig pa rin. naka-blue nga naman kasi eh...

mamaya-maya nagsimula na yung kickoff ceremonies. ayos lang naman, nakatanga lang kami dun, binabantayan ng mga cocc at sinasabi sa aming manatili sa covered court kahit na ayaw namin... nakinig kami sa mga mahahaba ngunit puro pambobolang talumpati ng kung sino-sinong guest speakers kuno... ang enjoy lang na part ay yung sumayaw yung ibang mga studyante... tsaka mga teachers na rin, wala lang. ang galing nilang sumayaw, lalo na si ma'am alvarez... inlab na nga yata ako sa kanya eh... wahaha... tapos nun nakipagpatintero kami dun sa mga cocc ng sandali para mang-istorbo bago tumungo sa english booth na kung saan kami naka-istasyon.

hay, nakakapagod pala kapag on-duty ka. grabe. yung booth kasi namin baggage atsaka booksale. nakalugar yun sa may tapat ng socsci center, katabi ng property room. simula pa lang nung araw grabe, kung kani-kaninong mukha ang mga nakita ko, lalo na yung mga naka-berde, andami nila, ang sakit sa mata! hayun, tapos minsan may iaabot sa aking libro yung isang bata kasi bibilhin niya... ako naman si wirdo, tinitigan lang siya na pawang hindi alam ang dapat gawin *eh hindi naman talaga, nakalimutan..* hayun, kakapagod talaga.

after lunch, nanood kami nung cheering competition kung saan kasali ang freshmen, sophomores, at juniors. ba't di kami kasali? sobrang galing na kasi namin para doon -
grand slam nga eh. di na kelangang patunayan yun... si jaimee faith naman katabi kong nanonood nun.. sobrang linait namin lahat ng mga batches sa kawalang-kakwentahan nung mga presentations.. yung sa first year nga nabansagang "on-court practice" ng mga tao eh.. kaawa-awa talaga... at ang sama naming mang-asar, pero yun naman ang totoo! nanghihinayang nga yung buong batch '06 dahil di kami sumali, dahil daw masyadong maraming gagawin; pero tingin namin agkakita dun sa mga presentations... tugsh! sana sumali na lang talaga kami. kahit na wala nang dapat patunayan. anyway, ayos na... yata. kasi mukhang nagka-away, nagkainitan yung seniors atsaka juniors bago sabihin yung panalo. basta nag-asaran... at sa totoo lang kampi ang seniors sa sophomores... ewan ko kung baket, pero siguro dahil ayaw "naming" manalo ang juniors... and true enough, nagchampion ang sophs, second and juniors... at pinaulanan ng seniors ang juniors ng mga banat. grabe...

anyway, naghahanda na ang mga tao para sa battle of the bands after nun. so alisan na ang mga tao... mga 4:30 wala na akong kasama, so tinry ko bumalik sa school. nakita ko si kathy... since di naman ako pupunta, sinamahan ko na muna siya... tapos mula dun biglang nagbago ang aura, ang mood, ang environment... parang sobrang lungkot talaga.... ewan ko ba! pareho kaming makaramdam ng ganun... pumunta kami ng mcdo, sumama dun sa mga kaklase namin, pero ang mood, tahimik, malungkot, ganun pa rin... parang hindi magpupunta sa battle of the bands *well hindi naman po talaga* sa tahimik... tinatanong na nga kami nung mga kasama namin, "okey lang ba kayo?" tapos sasagot kami, hindi namin alam. ang labo? ang labo! ayun! mga 6 pa lang, umuwi na ako. sobrang badtrip na talaga, sa mcdo naluluha na raw ako *sabi nila.*

gusto kong pumunta talaga ng battle kaso ayaw ng magulang ko. badtrip. nakakainis! kaya natulog na lang ako sa bahay, at nagmuni-muni... salamat sa Diyos di ako umiyak... pero ang lungkot ko talaga nun! *baket ba ako ganito? badtrip! hmmp!*

=======

bwisit. napagod na ako't lahat pero ganun pa rin. sige, hanggang dito na lang muna. kunwari naghahanda na ako para sa Ateneo. wahoo. ciao!

assignment!

2005-09-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

sa isang sulok ng classroom, merong isang makulay na "gc-board" kung san nakalagay ang lahat ng dapat gawin per subject except electives. kadalasan, wala yan gaanong laman. pero pag tinopak ang mga teachers, humanda na lang.

nung isang linggo, eto yung mga nakasulat...

english: ----
chem: quiz
pinoy: kab. 22
math: suntukin si gab!
ap:
p6: ----
pehm: ----
research: ----

yada, yada, yada. sige, kahit balik-balikan mo pa yan, basta last week yan yung nakalagay.

the response was clearly positive. maya't maya, may susuntok, babalya, babangga saken (kadalasan si jason o si ronald o si kevin o si noel o si ronnie). nung friday nung isang linggo akala ko babagsak na talaga ako. ang sakit talaga ng mga braso ko nun. himala na sigurong nakauwi pa ako...

----

debate, quiz, reporting, quiz, quiz, assignment, assignment, essay..... di na ba nagsawa yung mga teachers na yan? siguro mas okey nang gawing project yung "suntukin si gab" kaysa ganyan karaming gagawin eh! bwisit nga naman talaga.

sana na lang pagkatapos nun time-out muna. please....

"?"

2005-09-08T20:18:00.000+08:00

hay. ayan ka na naman eh. malambing, sobrang sweet, ewan ko ba. yun bang kahit isang "martir" na tulad ko'y di maiwasang ngumiti sa tuwa...

ba't ka ba ganyan saken? hindi sa nagfi-feeling ako ha. totoo naman diba? yan tuloy. dahil sa lahat ng ginawa mo para sakin, lahat ng sinabi mo, lahat-lahat na... di ko maiwasang isipin.... minsan nga halos di na ako makapagpigil... siguro naman napapansin mong kadalasan, di na lang ako magrereact, mananahimik na lang. hindi ko na kasi talaga alam!!!!! waaaa!!!

hay. ganito na lang... may gusto kasi akong itanong sayo... alam mo kasi, para kasi akong tuod dito... di makakilos, walang magawa. kasi hindi ko alam... siguro nga naiipit lang rin ako sa mga nararamdaman ko...

ngayon, sana sagutin mo naman yung tanong na ito.... para alam ko na kung anong gagawin ko. at wag kang mag-alala, handa na rin ako sa kung anumang isasagot mo. masaktan na kung masaktan, matuwa na kung masaya nga.

o.. eto na....

ano kasi....

sino ba talaga ako sayo?

hay. pasensya ka na. (",)

whistles and hands and nets

2005-09-06T20:29:00.000+08:00

prrrt! swoosh. thud! phuck. clang! a millisecond of silence. and then, shriek! boo! ^&!@#$*!!! whoooo!!!! aargh!!

prrt! prrrt! prrrrrrrrt!!!

all these heard while you see players run in and out in streaking blurs, while you watch balls thrown from this side to another, while you marvel at the swift and graceful motion of rackets and arms, while referees frantically try to restore order in every instance.

ahh, the sights and sounds of such games... how... tormenting.

for at the end of the day, everyone loses... their body water and stamina, their interest at anything else, thier temper, their time, and eventually their money.

at least you enjoy, for once.

and here's where the so-called "trade-off," more commonly known as "opportunity cost," comes in. fun or health? moments of pure exhilariation or a guarantee to health and safety?

it's all up to you. just manage your "resources" well.

and one more thing - be prepared... for the best, or for the worst. (",)

a turning point?

2005-08-30T21:33:00.000+08:00

five years ago, i would glare at my friends everytime they taunt me whenever she passes by. i would bow my head, cover my ears, sit in a corner, and ignore all those jeers. i would blush a deep shade of crimson everytime our eyes meet. i would be avoiding her like some contagious lunatic.

i would be like that - a pessimist lover, as they call it; the one who has a thousand senseless reasons to say when asked "why do you love someone?" not that i could really say that "i loved her"... maybe i don't; maybe it's infatuation, or worse, obssession. maybe love was just a game to me. maybe i did not really know what love is.

that was five years ago.

since then i've changed, no thanks to the many faces and places i've encountered. since then i've to become a whole new someone barely distinguishable from that little kid five years ago.

and now... i know. i've learned. i've understood. i suddenly realize that love is something much deeper than what it seems to be. it's not a simple game where someone wins by a mile and someone loses his dignity. it cannot be judged by a thousand senseless reasons; in fact, technically you don't have a reason for loving someone... and it's definitely not a case of mere obssession or sheer infatuation or anything like that. it could only be, at best, a tiny fragment of the big picture.

since then i've learned how to love. to love through hurting and pain. to give, yet not to receive. to stand strong through tear-flooded eyes. to realize when enough really is enough. to hold on. to let go. to forgive and forget. to move on... to accept the fact that if you weren't meant to be, it's just as is. to find someone else, and hope that you'll get something better in return. to face the truth (yeah, face it guys and girls!) that this is what really happens, until you meet the person of your dreams.

*sigh.* all said and done, that's how it is... for now. who knows, five years later, things might change, take a turn for better... or for worse.

cerebral peppermint poppers.

2005-08-28T11:04:00.000+08:00

hi guys... hmmm.... it's been a week since last, if my memory serves me right.

and of course, a lot of events can fit into such a week. in summary, this is what happened, from last sunday to now. apologies to everyone, but i don't have the time for a long entry these days. it's quite... understandable, right? thanks.

during the past week, we finished a soft copy of our project in chemistry (a magazine all about *??* chemistry, of course!), practiced and performed for the annual linggo ng wika, participated (or at least present) in an open forum which consisted of two sections (supposedly a handful of persons... *peace guys!*), and tried to worm out an honest confession from a terror teacher regarding her untolerable behavior and mood swings (sorry, ma'am).

personally, i tried to fit in all these. also, i went through the worst "bad hair week" ever in my high school life, with the endless taunts i endured because i gave someone a bouquet of roses (big deal!!!!). in short, i was just not... myself, including the fact that i was only late thrice this week (partly because of being reprimanded by our english-first subject teacher).

i was also able to read four (yes, four!) long novels this week, and i'm still working on another one. and i cut down on my internet usage, just to add spice. (hallelujah! is that for real???) and oh... guess what, i've been taking notes in class in an orange filler, since the start of the second quarter.

and to end the festivites, here's a quote for everyone:

life is like a box of chocolates... you'll never know what you'll get.

as of now, i'm happily nibbling on a white peppermint choco bar. doesn't really taste good, but it will suit for the moment. hey, i know don't sound coherent or, if anything, rational. do forgive me - everything's unplanned, and i can do nothing about it. i'm very sorry.

maybe i'll never know what really hit me this week, but let's hope it's all only for once...

all these for a change??? oh, drop it, gab.

into the eagles' aerie

2005-08-21T16:40:00.000+08:00

8:00, sunup. oh shoot, i'm gonna be late again. i wonder how many people will try to make the deadline.... never mind. gerald won't be there that early. i mean, duh... you know him. (peace to you my friend!)

i went down to the sala, where all my requirements lay - essays, forms, letters, and... where're the pictures? goodness, i think i lost the ID pics! and so began the frantic search for the missing IDs, scrutinizing every nook and cranny, but all in vain... at least until 8:30.

and oh yes, here we go again, the usual. I'M late again. at the quickest, i was able to arrange myself, take a jeep, and brisk walk to copytrade in one hour. with everything in place, i started my rush to mcdo carpark. round the corner i realized that i didn't have my wallet with me, and left it by the copier. so much for five minutes of backs and forths...

by nine-quarter i was all secured in mcdo. and not surprisingly, my friend was already there - at least half an hour ago.

so we made our journey to the jeepney stop and (of course!) took a jeep to UP. on the way we heard an old lady grumbling about camping trips and defective principals (most probably our principal?)

next stop was the katipunan terminal. on the way we met cj's mom, evidently going that way due to the same reason that we were.

moments later we were at the opposite side of the ateneo campus, walking towards an overpass with a blue-colored roof. (a special loyola request?) somewhere in the middle of the pass we saw three stray kids busying themselves over a brown leather wallet containing a few dollar bills (according to what i saw) and nothing else. (how and where will they use the dollars? i mean, do they know how??)

after crossing the highway, we entered the school and took a tricycle to xavier hall (also known as the administration building.) hey, the campus IS really big enough to accomodate a whole tricycle terminal daily....

on the way familiar faces showed up like one of my classmate's sister and a pack of other scientians [im]patiently waiting in line.

while waiting for our turn in the long queue, we met anna ehll, another classmate, who felt the need for tongue-twisting or something like that. she was quite talkative, anyway, so its usual that she inform me some trivial bits about the red shirt she was wearing. by the way, i was
wearing yellow, and gerald, blue. (anyone said Philippine flags?) the long line was quite tolerable for it gave me time to finish my application forms completely.

now here's how the process goes: first, the front man (named jez) will call your attention and designate to you a number. this number will be the counter where you will be accommodated by an enrollment committee staffer (mine was 8.) this is also where you submit your COMPLETED requirements.

if there is something lacking, you will be called again and be informed of...

...your ineligibility to take the test because of lacking documents. mwahaha!!!! no, i was just kidding. you will be told to return next week with the complete forms. simple as that may be, it only applies for the scholarship forms.

and make sure you have your pictures stapled. i didn't, so i had to enter the main admissions office and ask for staple wire. i even remember how violently my hands were shaking during that time. cool, huh?

anyway, after that you'll only have to wait for your name to be called, then you go to the counter, and voila! you're done after you take the test permit.

in our small group i was the last one to be called (because of the stapler delay.) it was 12:30 when we finished everything, and all of us needed to pass at least two scholarship requirements by august 26. (anyway, we did our best; our parents should take care of those.)

with nothing to do, we took the time for a little stroll, some walk in the park. and oh, ateneo was really THAT beautiful. the silence, the serenity, the de-stress posters (I have a colorful one in my envelope; they got dual-coloured ones. tee-hee...), the dominant GREEN grass, the clean pathways... it was possibly a student's Eden in my opinion.

walking out of the school grounds, i started thinking about my future again. and the question starts to hum again, time after time...

ateneo or up? blue or maroon? i'm sure gerald and anna and cj and many others are thinking about it.

follow the heart. and try to save money, guys... a friendly reminder from your everyday blogger. (",)

left behind

2005-08-18T22:11:00.000+08:00

tomorrow, a friend of mine (and ours as well) will be leaving for the states. so from tomorrow thereon, life will be different, you know, not seeing a face which yesterday was there, and all that.

i tell you - i've had enough of these stuff. not because i want them to leave, or anything. it's just that i feel hurt whenever these things happen.

you'd say it's natural, that eventually we'll have to leave each other. yeah right. but it will leave a thorn in your hearts. believe me.

three times.... one in elementary, two in high school. what could come next?

you'll understand why i feel like these. it hurts a lot, everytime someone leaves you behind.

right?

however, we could only wish people like him well. God bless to you....

naghihingalo...

2005-08-15T18:58:00.000+08:00

bulag. tanga. mapang-api. manhid.

sabi nila, ganyan ka raw.

bingi. mas tanga. nagpapaapi. martir.

ayan. ayan naman daw ako.

alam mo, tama sila. ikaw... kung bumanat, parang wala lang yung tao sa tabi-tabi. di maintindihan kung nagpaparinig ba o gustong manakit o nangiinis lang talaga. ako... parang timang na di umiimik. hambalos dito, hamablos doon, aba, walang pakialam. sabi nila, kailangan daw magbago na ako. nakakaawa na raw kasi. akala mo walang pakialam sa mundo, pero tignan mo ung mata o, naluluha na yata, pero nagpipigil pa rin.

sumbat dito nung isa, "kaya mo pa ba?" sa kabila naman, "okey ka lang?" si martir naman, sasagot, "oo, sanay na eh. ayos lang yan." diba, ang tikas ng dating? hindi.

alam mo, sa totoo lang, mahirap eh. mahirap yung sinasakal ka na, inaapakan, linalampaso sa isang sulok, pero mag-inarte na parang wala lang. mahirap yung hindi ka na nga makahinga, hindi ka na makabangon, pero hala sige, pabaya pa rin.

kaya tama nga talaga sila - kailangang magbago na ako.

pano ka naman ngayon?

wala naman. ayos nang ganyan ka. kasi sa totoo lang, kahit anong sabihin kong ititigil ko na ang kalokohang ito, babalik at babalik pa rin ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. bakit? dahil ikaw yan.

kung magbago ba ako, ibig sabihin ba nun di ka na mahalaga saken? magbabago ba ang pagtingin ko sayo? eh bulag nga ako diba? wala akong pakialam sa kung ano ka sa ibang tao. basta ganyan ka sa akin.

siguro nga, ganun ka na kahalaga. hindi ko mawari kung bakit, pero ganun na lang talaga. at siyempre, ayaw ko na malayo ako sa isang taong mahalaga sa akin diba? natural lang 'yon. intindihin mo na lang sana.

malabo ba ako? oo... pero sana... maintindihan mo. alam mo naman kasi kung bakit ako ganito sayo... c:

comments please!

2005-08-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

HaloScan commenting and tracking system has been activated in this site.

in other words, pwede na kayong mag-comment sa mga post ko. click nyo lang yung "link" sa baba ng bawat entry...

at long last. ang tagal kong naghanap ng feature na ganito....

so... voice out your opinions, say what you think... okey lang kung murahin nyo pa ako sa mga katangahan ko, maiintindihan ko yun, basta... speak up guys!!! (",)

*special thanks to ate kimie - pinirata ko lang kasi ito sa blogsite nya. salamat... hehe!!!*

pulling the brakes

2005-08-13T20:28:00.000+08:00

click. screeeeech. HALT!

everything's gone waaaaaaaaaay too fast. i didn't realize that until NOW.

first, the periodical exam week. the exams (where i finished almost everything first, *damn research* and fast). then a whole lot of requirements for monday. and while you're working at it, here comes the filipino stuff - sabayang bigkas. what else, what else???

now's MY time to self-reflect. to slow down. relax, for just a few moments. try not to rush anything. inhale, exhale.... no panicking.

sleep tonight. and then wake up, try to do everything tomorrow. yeah, that's what i'd better do. no, that's the best i can do.

:D :D :D

2005-08-13T19:43:00.000+08:00

yehey. ayos na y!m ko... after 58 years! (waha, hiramin ko lng yung expression ha...)

onga pala, baka di nyo alam, nasira nga pala y!m ko... sorry di ko nasabi sa mga tao... na kaya ako laging napapa-offline kapag may nagmemessage sa akin...

tsk. anyway, ayos na siya. back to the normal life ulet... (",)

*ang iksi. badtrip!*

up and down [the pedestal.]

2005-08-12T17:59:00.000+08:00

life is like a wheel; sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. ahh, one of the most common quotable quotes in the very large array of citable passages.

according to our economics teacher, there will always come a time when one will be in the "down" side of that wheel; the best one can do is how to prevent oneself from experiencing a major crash...

hopefully WE'LL be able to do that. no more questions asked. sorry... but this is an extremely sensitive matter. if you ever come to know of it, please hold your silence for our sakes. your cooperation will be extremely appeciated... (",)

friday breeze

2005-08-12T17:38:00.000+08:00

does anyone really ever get a fever because of overstaying in the rain? i do hope not!!! because i just got home and... well, i walked in the rain again. however, this time i feel.... cold.

oh... forget it. i just forgot my umbrella.

uhmm... the fact is, it's REALLY cold out there. and it doesn't feel good.

and another thing: today was the second day of the periodicals; it consisted of chemistry and research. and, for once, i didn't finish a test first (research. damn.) which ends my record at four.

and i still feel like i flunked all five of them.

i just.. hope not.

day one blitz

2005-08-11T17:59:00.000+08:00

success! for the first time in many tries this week i didn't come in late. duh, who would? i mean classes were supposed to start at eight! and thankfully, i'm not that delinquent. but i hope people won't take it as a surprise *like that tall english student teacher..* right?

first periodical exams made way today, with english, math, and ap, respectively. so how did i fare? my answer is.. fair quick. it had been natural of me to do things fast, especially tests like those... but today was quite different - i mean, i was just a step too quick for me to catch up with myself today, seemingly... and i feel like i failed all those three exams in a jiffy.

mind you, i didn't study anything. just slept my way the night before, woke up the next morning, and *flick* i was off to school with an empty swagger.

it was like doing things in record time. everything seemed like a breeze... however, in the wrong direction.

today i've made it three in one row - what can the morrow bring? (",)

maybe i should stop talking and start studying. what do you think?

seven days...

2005-08-09T21:05:00.000+08:00

shamefully stuttering stupid sentences since sunday sunshine.

making mysterious monday misery more melancholic.

turning telltale tuesday to truth trifles.

wednesday waning, world's wording way weirder.

thus that tolerance-toiling, thimble thumping thursday.

fearing friday fetters fall foolishly for frail fanatic.

saturday sun sets - said something saccharine?

*enjoy! (",)*

an area of concern...

2005-08-09T20:14:00.000+08:00

time flies like an arrow. fruit flies like a banana...

forget the punchline. i shouldn't be writing this anyway... i only came to think of it because some friends asked me about something related to it, and i told them that that was something i needed to self-reflect on.

i'm trying.

"bakit ka ba laging nala-late?" this girl asked.

i bit my lip. was that really a question? did i really need to answer that? my mind was scrambling for an answer... and it found nil. so what if i don't give an answer?

but still it seemed to matter. why, really, why? it turned out that i also didn't know.

but then again... so what?

and so the silence prevailed, once again, after thirty long seconds of pondering. but come to think of it... i really should think about it, right? i mean...

why would i be adjusting the clock one hour advanced if i don't make use of it? why am i wearing a watch in the first place? why did i enter an institution requiring people to be inside the grounds by this time, just to arrive an hour and quarter later? a lot of things won't make sense if i don't make a resolve. and that's how complicated life is...

better late than never. isn't that better? not really - it's like better not attend a major subject than not to attend school at all. if a certain thing's incomplete, does one utilize its full capability? indeed, no.

hey, wait - in the first place i shouldn't be the one talking about such and such and so and so. and you know why...

anyway, i gotta go. can't waste too much time on this. *yeah, and i'm still on my school clothes, and i haven't eaten dinner yet, and i haven't gone anywhere but the desktop since arriving home, and.... you get the point?*

oh dear...

from thirty to zilch.

2005-08-09T06:26:00.001+08:00

[this is a direct chronological account recording all the "significant events" that made way from 6 am of saturday to 12 noon of sunday.]

30:00:00

oh please, it's saturday. give yourself some sleep. i shut my eyes; faster than you can say breakfast, they were open again.

damn. i need to relax. and this sleep problem's not helping.

nina, live! was jigging along at our neighbor's house. this early? and loud? oh shoot. did i remember you again? anyway, God bless. I love you.
still lying down, i kept on thinking about what could be happening during those moments at state university. and i felt.. oddly excited for them.

God bless to all of you. especially you... don't forget someone's thinking of you right NOW...

26:00:00

wow. did i say anything before about being too lax and complacent? well, here i am, reading "The Prophet" by Frank E. Peretti, making no concerted effort of grabbing that upcat reviewer beside me. mind you, the novel's that good.

two jeepney rides from here, some guy and girl is frantically thinking about the answer to item no. 135. some kid's eating his chocolate. some nerd broke his pencil. some poor chap was crying because he came in late, or worse, forgot his permit.

and there was i, lying at my ever present bed... wishing luck to all of you, silently praying...

20:00:00

now the second batch has revved up, most probably, while i'm eating my nestle crunch bar... and all i did was keep on thinking of you. am i losing my marbles?

17:00:00

my old man wants me to have my hair trimmed. owing to that, i feel like some boxhead.

14:00:00

now my heart's pumped up. and there's this sickly feeling of coldness, of high metabolism rates. at least some greetings warmed me up, as i recalled this lenghtly e-mail from her, a wish-you-well text from a she who supposedly was turning on the cold shoulder... and an opposite and equally cold shoulder from her. oh yeah, that's YOU girl.

13:00:00

before crashing into bed, i tried to prepare stuff for the big day - pencils, permits, IDs, nestle crunch, and a bottle of summit.

no watch. no time-tracking. or so i thought.

"gab, sayo ba itong relos na to?" said my mom, who was just rummaging into some junk.

i took a close look at what she just held - a white casio box, partially opened... and voila! the watch that i needed.

"opo, akin yan." i snatched the thing from her like some newfound illegal treasure.

a sudden rush of memory flooded into my thoughts. trusting my instincts, i took out the contents of the box, including the watch-holder... and lo, and behold... beneath was a blue note; in it a sentence was embedded, and four glistening letters spelling out a name.
it said... "wag ka nang magpapalate, ha? love you... kaye."
and the memories kept coming back...

11:00:00

gab, try to sleep. focus. set aside those pens and paper away... just for once. sleep now. NOW. PLEASE. please.... ZZZZ.

06:00:00

lub-dub. lub-dub. lub-dub. the beat rhythmically progressed, seemingly louder and louder from inside my chest. and my hands - were they freezing?

04:30:00

come on. eat something. you'll need it. grab that crunch bar. and stop doodling - you're wasting those precious pencils. try to keep yourself warm.

01:00:00

pocketing all the essentials, i brought myself to the back seat of our car. no, i didn't forget anything - everything's fine. i prayed that the traffic would be as fine too... but it wasn't. upon reaching philcoa, the car looked like it would run out of gas... due to the fact that the place was jampacked.

i tried to feel my hand. oh no, it wasn't there.... oh. there it is, slightly numb and cold. owe it to the scenery outside our windows: bumper to bumper traffic, that's what it was.

00:30:00

man. half an hour gone just trying to inch our way to the oblation mark. this is making me sick.

00:15:00

a hundred meters from palma hall, said my father. how long will this eternity last??? i motioned to lift that latch separating me from the outside, when my old man insisted not to. you'll get there when you get there, i tried to assure myself.

00:10:00

click. chug. i found myself facing the white facade of palma hall, my host for this year's upcat. i made my way up the three flights of stairs stride by stride, and triumphantly i entered the walls of the building... only to see a quite long queue of students here and round over there. stunning as it was...

"gab!" a familiar voice called from somewhere. turning around, i saw janine and reuben on the near side of the long line. "dito ka na."

breathing a sigh of relief, i joined the party.

00:05:00

this is your day, and you're the man. so better do good. and help me Lord!

a proctor asked for my test permit. i had it ready, no problem with that. everything would be fine...

as i stared outside the ledge of the second floor, i couldn't stop but think... and think... and think... of what could happen.

00:01:00

we entered room 216. i sat near the window. pencil in hand (and ear)... i started to feel a bit confident - the goosebumps were gone.

good luck to me.

00:00:00

aaaaaaaaand.. here we go!!!!

too lax?

2005-08-05T18:31:00.000+08:00

do not be late. do not forget your permit. bring chocolates and water. use not-too-sharp pencils. eliminate non-possible answers first. and remember, C-B-D-A. use stock knowledge. RELAX.

tips for the incoming test? quite a blur to me now... i'm in some disoriented state. heart pounding too hard. feeling sick and nauseous. hyperventilating. CRAMMING.

didn't i review anything?

whatever.

the test... won't be that hard. i hope.

God bless all.

forget-me-not

2005-08-04T19:46:00.000+08:00

yesterday i forget to bring my glasses and ballpen.

today i forget to bring with me something JUST a bit more important: my wallet.

oh dear, what's happening to me?

this can't be because of the upcoming examinations, right?

because if it is...

what if i forget to wake up by 9 at sunday?
what if i forget the fact that latecomers will not be allowed to take the test?
what if i forgot where the hell palma hall is?
what if i forgot where i placed my wallet, where the exam permit will be?
what if i forget that i will need pencils for the test?
what if i forgot to bring chocolates with me? and how about water?
what if i forgot everything i have learned in my four-year high school term? in the wink of an eye?
what if i forgot the time while having the test?

what if i failed it, and my friends passed? all of them?

hah. i'd better stop.

wish me luck.

three days to the grave..

2005-08-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

shoot. my yahoo! messenger is in some chaos, not allowing me to talk to anyone. but maybe, oh i'm just damned, and everything will be fine when things have passed by.

upcat - the talk of the town, baby. the once jubilant corridors and rooms have been overcome by indefinite silence. even the most garrulous of people fell victim to this seeming spell.

who won't, anyway? the future - MY future - depends on these three remaining days, as ii haven't really studied yet. second by second precious time is lost.

and all i tried to do was fix this hopeless y!m thing.

at least i'm making progress - i'm sticking to my oath not to play cards during breaks until the weekend is over, or else i won't study science for the test... a feat which is *quoting a friend who somewhat share the same sentiments* "tantamount to failing the test itself." it seems to be working. it has to... or else.

mind you, i'm reviewing... not that much though. to give you an idea on what i've been digging on these past days, click here. *so i hope you'd understand if i'm not always able to update this thing. clearly there are more important matters to consider at the moment...*

the turn of the tide is starting to spell doom for me. i hope for you guys, that is not the case... a confidence booster may be just what i need...

so please, study hard. you can do it. *and i do hope, so can i..*

GO QUESCI!

the weekend is nearing. after all these, i promise to have my haircut. really.

kaya naten to. makakapasa tayo... sana.

reminders? matulog ng maaga. wag magpapa-late! *hah!* kumain ng tsokolate. mag-ingat papuntang palma hall, college of engineering, math building, o kung saan man. maghanap ng inspirasyon... ngayon din! at... smile lagi!!! (mahal ko kayo! wahahaha!)

so... God bless...

and should i say... kita-kits sa UP?

[__________...]

2005-07-30T20:11:00.000+08:00

I LOVE YOU...
....oh my. what was i about to say?
I LOVE YOU...
....maybe i don't feel like saying anything at all.
I LOVE YOU...
....or, maybe i do feel like saying a lot.
I LOVE YOU...
....or maybe, i just don't know.
I LOVE YOU...
yes, that's it. i don't know. i'm clueless. befuddled. confused. shocked. in chaos. paranoia. a dilemma. quandarized state of mind. questions here, questions there. indifferent? speechless.
I LOVE YOU...
SILENT.
I LOVE YOU...
and of course, i do not know why.
I LOVE YOU...
maybe i just try to smile too much. maybe i shouldn't even be smiling. and maybe i don't even know why i was smiling (or trying to smile) at all...
I LOVE YOU...
maybe i should be crying right now. maybe i should be thinking about a reason to cry. maybe i should make myself feel so depressed about something. oh, or maybe, i really don't know how to cry.
I LOVE YOU...
maybe i'm being too serious about this life. or maybe i'm making my own life a laughing stock. maybe, i don't know what i've done, and what i'm doing with my life just yet.
I LOVE YOU...
maybe i should keep my mouth shut. maybe... i should learn how to keep my silence. maybe... i should stop this whole nonsense stuff NOW.
I LOVE YOU...
and maybe, i should start making sense out of my words....
I LOVE YOU.

physical fitness??

2005-07-26T19:35:00.000+08:00

dark eyebags. failing eyesight. zits. inherent rheumatized hands. asthma. flu. anemia. insomnia. recently, a pair of battered legs, fractured left foot inclusive. and of course, frail stature.

take at least three at a time. mix according to your liking, and voila! you have predicted my health status for the day.

please, give me a cure. i've tried stresstabs, heat pads, bandages, nebulizers, inhalers, daily supplements and a pair of glasses. any other ideas?

not quite effective as of the moment. and suddenly, it rains! while i walk along the sidewalks. just great. to start with, i never brought an umbrella. i'm freezing.

hey, aren't you surprised i'm not dead yet? no? seriously? or, won't you even consider it?

think again. (",)

illusion of shadows....

2005-07-25T07:28:00.000+08:00

so sturdy in broad daylight
your charm simmers into all
loneliness and misery, seemed
never to take its toll

boy and girl look up to you
wish to feel your dazzling radiance
indulge into the happiness you bring
leaves a smile into each being

you approach him, and him, and her
and tell them to share the love you know
raising up their hopes, and point out that
the sun will still be bright tomorrow

as you walk in the face of sunlight
you leave this dark trace behind
a shallow reminder of who you really are
which i see when the sun goes down

in the darkness, you show
the true colors of your insanity
as you ravish along the dark alleys
sucking life out of each seen being

a pretender! so vicious and clever
as she swoops down and circles behind
the unfortunate run, but all in vain
her claws would never let go

left alone and cold, speechless and silent
while the moon glowers over all
one sees the face of that young lady
who made him smile in the morn.

yes, that is she!
the truth only waits.
i am a witness
to your heinous crimes!

highly regarded, respected and loved!
tell me, do you deserve such?
no, i am no fool! don't make me one!
for even in dawn i see the monster in you.

deceiver! liar! that's what you should be called.
your deeds are of wrath, bane, agony
you try to be someone else
and hide the raving lunatic inside

reality bites my friend!
illusions are only for mere fiends
you're making yourself look stupid
thriving in darkness but dying in light

how do you feel now, knowing
your greatest mystery's unveiled
for one thing, you should know that
someone in this world doesn't love you now!

burn in the sun.
freeze in the rain.
sink into your lair,
oh bastard unhailed.

see how karma works?
making a disaster of you.
love is no merry-go-round
you idiot! i can tell.

look at my eyes. gaze into my soul.
feel me, how broken i am.
say sorry for breaking an innocent heart!
can't you see what you've done unto me?

i know you take no heed.
you don't really care.
that's fine with me! however, can you
still walk in dawn with that shadow on you?

weeping... in vain.

2005-07-21T20:18:00.000+08:00

silence kills.

yes it does, piercing his heart mercilessly. he tries to shake it off, ignore it, shove away the tears. apparently, successful. he waves off a smile, unseen to anyone - he's doing great! he grabs the door knob, pulls it, and off he walks into the bright blue sky. a wonderful transformation, no doubt.

almost perfect.

he passes through the sea of faces one by one. and that charming smile never left him. seems that nothing could stop him - it was definitely his day. everything was haply prearranged, prepared. nothing ever seemed to go wrong. nothing.

after a long span of time enjoying himself and his lady luck, he gazes upward, to the clouds. the sun was disappearing westward. and as he ponders on what had just happened during the past hours, he just couldn't help but smile toothily and shamelessly.

a bit tired out from the happenings, he started to walk home. a series of winding curves, he had known to heart - no difficulty there.

just around a corner, he finds himself eye to eye with a someone he easily recognizes even a mile away - long hair, fair complexion, confident aura, and that ever present smile.

meanwhile, he is abruptly stopped from his fast walking pace, overwhelmingly suprised at what he was seeing. first thought was to smile - but then, as though spontaneously, melancholy befell
upon the supposedly lucky guy.

"sorry," he muttered, mustering up all for a sincere apology, as he has obviously blocked the girl's way.

the girl, seemingly unaware of the boy's presence, merely turned a few degrees, and walked ahead unaffected.

unexplicably, the boy turned back and looked at the girl's direction - she wasn't there, probably had turned around the corner. he ran, and turned, went up, looked this way, returned that way, to no avail. the girl was gone.

he turned around, and there was nothing in sight, but four avenues that he didn't know as to where it led.

he then fell silent, as always. but this time, there were no bright skies, no familiar and jovial faces, no smile to hide the pain. broken down on his knees, he forced his palms into his face and let the tears which he, for so long, held from trickling down.

research. [sic]

2005-07-19T20:30:00.000+08:00

hold it. i've had enough of this stuff.

five days ago, our pesky little principal announced that there will be an off-campus for the fourth year students... in order to complete their rischurch projects in due time. [sic]

but before she was forced to heed the student's call....

she administered an opiate of research ramblings, i. e. why were we not able to do extensive RRL and all that stuff, amounting to two hours of precious time. time and again we tried telling her that we did not have the sufficient time to do so, since we weren't given ANY time at all.

quoting her: we wanted to know, what is the real issues, that's why we invited you here.

all pleadings, at first perception... to no avail.

until the bugging research teacher acted savior. and so she did approve of the off campus.

anyway, that workaholic dude is no savior. he's just the pressurizer.

then came monday... everything was on due course until she blabbered again:

"i think we should suspend this off campus for at least one day. hindi pa kasi naayos yung schedule. may you now please return to your respective classrooms."

instantly there was an uproar. whaddya expect anyway??? hurrah??

then our group was invited to the principal's office for the umpteenth time, i think. but nonsense was breathing around there, so excused myself out. things were just so frustrating.

anyway, the off campus still did push its way through, and we ended up in the UP College of Science Library, and eventually, with nothing at hand.

an aura of doubt suddenly enveloped the minds of many student researchers. they had a good point though, as here came day two, tuesday.

as of eight o'clock, people were swarming in and out of the school grounds. things were running smooth...

enter the dep-ed supervisor.

effective 9:01 am, no one was allowed to leave the campus unless one fulfills the following requirements: he/she has a) a parent's permit b) a parent as chaperon c) a teacher as chaperon. of course, in all their power, the hardworking student tried everything to succeed: talk, talk, and forge. it turned out that the pen was real mightier than the tongue.

forget it. we were able to leave the school grounds by 11 am.

wasted three hours, oh crap. and by the way, i believe we were given an off campus to have sufficient quality time to do the project. but if this nincompoop administration keeps on laying their dead bodies in front of the school gate.... damn. *sorry for the foul language.* and as far as i'm concerned, i don't need no chaperon with me.

anyway, please, let's not waste time. for time is gold. and gold is money.

speaking of money.....

who is willing to give me Php2200??? we badly need it for experimentation. solicitation letters have been circulating lately, i believe. so please. please. please!!! i don't have money.

all said....

hail [hell] to research! the cornerstone of my future.

[p.s. sorry if i didn't go into certain details, i'm still trying to recover back to my old blogger self.]

idle.

2005-07-18T21:29:00.000+08:00

okey. kaharap ko na naman si notepad, si monitor at si keyboard..

magtatype ng tungkol sa...

sa...

hayan, kita niyo na? walang kwenta ano? wala akong masulat. marami namang nangyayari.

dadaan ako sa blog ng mga tao. goodness, ang hahaba ng mga entries nila. at gaya ng sabi ko, marami rin talagang nangyayari. research pa lang diba?

ba't ako wala? may hinihintay akong mangyari, o maganap, o masaksihan.......

meron nga ba?

....hay.

we'll see...

the silent letter.

2005-07-17T11:54:00.000+08:00

kacie. kassandra. kassa.

ma. kassandra deloso salvacion.

hay nako. ba't ikaw na naman? di pa ba ako nagsasawa sayo?

araw-araw, ba't ikaw kaagad ang hinahanap? ikaw kaagad yung gustong makita. ikaw. ikaw na lang lagi! pero pag nakita ko na, wala lang. para bang, andyan ka lang, masaya na ako. ngumiti ka lang, maganda na ang araw ko. ganun ba talaga?

tapos, parang lagi ko na lang pinapangarap na makausap ka. na marinig ang boses mo na may sinasabi saken. lagi na lang. lagi na lang hahanap-hanapin ang mga mata mo. tapos pag nagkasalubong, ako naman si tanga, iiwas lang. hindi man lang makabati.

hanggang pangarap na nga lang ba talaga?

ako naman. yung tahimik. yung ayaw magsalita. yung taong alam mong may dinaramdam, pero mukhang wala naman kaya ayaw magparamdam. yung taong pangiti-ngiti lang, pero sa kaloob-looban, pagod na. nanghihina. nalulungkot. yung lalaki na akala mo kung sinong mayabang at magaling, pero sa totoo ay mahina at iyakin. tama ako diba? oo, ako yan. yung mapagpanggap na akala mo, walang pakialam sayo pero meron. hay nako.

isipin mo naman, lagi na akong ganyan sayo. walang pagbabago, tama ba?

ay hindi. mali pala. hindi naman ako ganyan sayo dati diba? kasi dati, nakakausap naman kita. nakakasama naman kita. hindi naman ako nahihiya sayo. *hindi ba?* siguro kasi bata pa ako nun.

ewan ko ha. sino ba ang nagbago sa atin? ako ba yung umiiwas? yung nagtitimpi? yung nagtatago?

o, hindi ba ikaw yung hindi namamansin? yung walang pakialam? yung taong ayaw tanggapin kung ano yung totoo???

teka. baka hindi mo nga pala alam yung totoo. wala ka naman kasing pakialam. atsaka, wala rin naman akong ginawa para iparamdam sayo diba? quits lang pala. bakit wala akong ginawa? para kasing may magbabago pag meron, diba? tingin mo, meron ba? yun naman ang totoo eh. ganyan ka pa rin. ganito pa rin ako.

walang pagbabago. siguro, wala rin namang mangyayaring masama o mawawala saken pag sinabi ko na ano ang totoo. kaya.... sasabihin ko na lang.

o dapat ko pa bang sabihin? alam ko namang alam mo na rin kung anong sasabihin ko. nasayo nga lang siguro ang problema: ayaw mong maniwala. tama ba? kasi hindi naman mukhang totoo. akala mo, isang malaking biro lang ang lahat. hindi biro ang lahat ng ito; kasi kung linoloko lang kita, ba't pa ako susulat ng ganito kahaba para lang sayo? sabihin mo nga!

hay. pasensya na. nasobrahan na yata ako. ganito na lang.

alam mo ba na namimiss na kita? oo. kahit na madalas naman kitang nakikita na andyan lang. baka hindi mo lang ako napapansin. baka hindi mo lang talaga alam na andito lang ako. hindi ko alam. ang alam ko lang talaga, namimiss na kita. gusto na talaga kitang makausap, kahit minsan lang. diba ang magkaibigan dapat nag-uusap? dapat may communication? may bonding moments? dapat masaya, gaya ng dati... diba? at maniwala ka o hindi, malaking kawalan saken ang hindi ka nakakasama. promise, totoo yan.

tapos, wag na wag mong sasabihing hindi ka maganda. kasi, nagpapanggap ka lang na isang taong hindi naman ikaw *tignan mo ako.* alam mo naman kung ano ang totoo eh. isipin mo na lang, mababaliw na ako sayo ng ganito kung hindi ka ganun kaganda? *magpatangkad ka na lang, pwede na. joke!!!!* ang ibig sabihin ko lang, maganda ka na sa kung sino ka ngayon. kaya dapat nakangiti ka lagi. *para masaya na rin ako....*

ikatlo, wag mong isipin na walang kwenta na ang buhay mo. feel ko kasi seryoso ka eh. kung hindi naman, disregard this part na lang. pero, maniwala ka, may purpose ka pa sa mundong ito. hindi ka binigyan ni Lord ng talent at buhay para lang sa wala, diba? at mind you, mawawalan ka lang ng saysay sa earth pag wala nang nagmamahal sayo. problem is, hindi ka mawawalan nun. andyan lagi si Lord. just look up to Him... tsaka, kung sakali namang mawalan ka ng kaibigan *na i doubt na mangyari,* andito pa ako. kung walang saysay ang buhay mo, pano pa ako? di ba? eh di may karamay ka nang walang kwentang tao. *joke lang.* hindi, siguro kasi kaya iniisip mong ganun kasi hindi mo alam na nandito lang ako, kaya sinasabi ko na ngayon.

uhmm... ano nga pala, sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry sa lahat-lahat. alam kong masama ako sayo. sobra. kaya kung may hinanakit ka sakin, naiinitindihan kita. kasalanan ko na yun, so let me deal with myself. sorry talaga....

at salamat. salamat. salamat talaga. napakabait mo sa akin... hindi ko kayang ibalik ang lahat ng kabaitan mo dahil sobrang dami... pero susubukan ko pa rin...

hmmm. may dapat pa ba akong sabihin sayo? o nasabi ko na lahat? tingin ko oo... pero in summary, eto lang talaga yun.

I LOVE YOU. o kung hindi mo maintindihan yan... MAHAL KITA.

okey na ba? please naman, maniwala ka na kasi. para sa akin, hindi ko na maiintindihan kung ano pa ang malabo diyan. pero kung malabo pa rin talaga... kasalanan ko na yun, siguro kasi malabo lang talaga ako. *at sorry kung ganun nga.*

so... sana maliwanag na ang lahat. hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mangyayari pagkatapos na mabasa mo ito *kung mabasa mo man....* bahala na si Lord dun... sana naintindihan mo lahat ng sinabi ko. totoo yan. promise.

sige, kacie.. hanggang dito na lang siguro. smile po lagi, at God bless... (",)

o, baket? may inaasahan ka bang makita dito? pinagod mo lang sarili mo!

darkness in light?

2005-07-17T10:11:00.000+08:00

waw. ang galing mo naman, kung nababasa mo ito. at dahil magaling ka, ililibre kita ng coke/strawberry float/sundae/mcflurry sa mcdo, pagkatapos ng off campus (mga august yun.) basta sabihin mo lang saken kung ano yung nabasa mo sa entry na ito. okey? promise, totoo ito. wala kasing magawa eh. hehehe!!! sige. congrats ulet! p.s. wag nio pong pagkakalat ha!!!

long distance.

2005-07-11T19:31:00.000+08:00

ring... ring... ring, the phone whimmed. i was then tasked by dear ol' dad the unenviable practice of answering the call - ateneo vs. la salle was just about to start then.

"hello?"
"good evening. is this mr. gabriel de leon?"
"yes, ma'am. why?"
"a certain miss kaye lapuz is trying to call you from miami, florida. would you take the call?"
silence. my heart suddenly skipped two beats. is this for real? i was then lost into a quandary of emotions..
"sir, are you still there?" came the operator's sweet voice from the receiver.
"uh, yes... i'll take the call."
"thank you. a moment, please..."
tick. tock. tick. tock -

"hello gab!" a familiar voice resounded from the other end. a tune, sweeter than that of any interlude i could think of, mild, mellow.... a jovial sound that once was the response which i always hear, four years past.... all coming back at that moment.
"kaye? therese kaye lapuz??" i still couldn't believe what i've just heard.

"oo gab, ako ito. at marunong pa rin akong mag-tagalog, don't worry..." she said, then a gasp of laughter followed, that oh-so-familiar muffled melody. (goodness, what's happening to me?)
"hehe... okey, kaw nga talaga yan. alam mo, nung isang araw lang, naalala kita. namimiss na pala kita... hehehe!!" now i knew it was for real. that was she.
"oo nga eh. ikaw rin. ba't naman bigla mo akong naalala??? ikaw ha. joke!"
"kasi, malakas ang ulan dito. naaalala mo pa nung naglakad tayo sa ulan dati, kasi wala tayong pamasahe?"
"ah, oo!!! waw naman, salamat, naaalala mo pa pala ako."
obviously overjoyed at the way things are going, i replied, "syempre. ikaw pa! pano kitang makakalimutan, ha?? kaw kasi, iniwan-iwan mo pa ako dito!"
"haha. ang sweet mo pa rin hanggang ngayon... nakakamiss ka talaga. sorry ha, di ko rin naman ginustong umalis diyan eh."
"alam ko. at miss na rin kita... ano, kwento naman! kamusta na buhay dyan?"
"ayos lang. taas ng grades ko dito eh, as usual. haha!! nga pala, bakasyon na rin dito. ikaw, musta pag-aaral mo?"
"ah, ako?? ayos lang. pa-graduate na ako. huhu, ang tanda ko na."
"oo nga noh, belated nga pala!!! sorry hindi kita nabati... pasensya na ha!!"
"hay nako. ganyan naman eh.. di, ayos lang yun. kaw naman yan eh. hehehe!"

silence. why is there silence after every laugh?
"oo nga pala, bakit ka tumawag?? promise, nagulat talaga ako."
"hay. gab, gusto mo talagang malaman?"
halt. my hand suddenly ached. "why the sudden change of mood, kaye? okey lang yun. ano nga?"
"sige na nga. pero bago ko sabihin... kung magagalit ka sa akin pagkatapos nito, maiintindihan kita. wala akong galit sayo, gab."
still i did not understand. "kaye, ano na yun? please."
"gab..." she said slowly, "naalala mo ba nung bago ako umalis? nangako ako sayo... tama ba?"
"...oo." then i knew where this conversation was going. for a fleeting second i wanted to shout farewell at the receiver and slam it hard. but, no...
"uhm, so ito, tumutupad lang ako sa pangako ko. gab... ganito yun. may boyfriend na ako... ulit."
it was mind-shattering. torn between the idea of crying out loud in front of mom and dad or reacting otherwise, i kept my silence.

"gab, andyan ka pa?"
"oo naman... sino, yung kapitbahay nyo? what's his name again... james?"
"... oo siya yun. ayos ka lang?"
"hehe, syempre. basta sabihin mo lang pag sinaktan ka nyan ha."
"sabi mo eh. pangako yan. hahaha!!"
i took a dose of new air. "kaye, since nasabi mo na naman yung dapat mong sabihin, at alam nating mahal ang long distance call, siguro hanggang dito na lang. pasensya na ha, kasi tatay ko eh. alam mo naman diba... pasensya na. at salamat talaga."
"ganun ba? sige, ayos lang, naiintindihan kita. kakarating lang din ng nanay ko. sige, gab, paalam na. at salamat sa lahat. hindi talaga kita makakalimutan."
"ako rin. o siya, baka mahuli ka pa. basta sabihin mo sa lalaking yan, ingatan ka niya ha. kundi lagot siya saken."
"naks naman. sige. ako bahala dun. hehe! at nakakamiss pala talagang mag-tagalog."
"baket, marunong ka pa naman ha!"
"ganun ba? hehe. sige, babay na talaga, gab."
"sige, bye...."

no. i still had to say something else.
"kaye... teka lang..."
"ano yun?"
"uhm, kaye... i love you... at hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang isang kaibigan na tulad mo."
"....gab, nakakagulat ka.... hehe. love you too. ingat ka diyan ha."
"ikaw rin. sige, bye, therese kaye."
"bye gabriel... i miss you. God bless."

beep. beep. beep. beep.
she was gone.
beep. beep. beep. beep.
she's not there anymore. i put the handset down.

"c'mon gab, things happen. it'll pass...." i quietly said to myself.
back on the couch, i stared into the white ceiling.

i miss you too...

I am.

2005-07-10T13:30:00.000+08:00

I am who I am, who I know, who I believe.

I love what I am, what I know, what I believe.

I believe that who and what I am, that I should be.

I want to be loved, to be happy, to be free.

I use what I know to let you know what I believe.

I give what I am, what I know, what I should be...

...for I am, who I am, what I am.

(activity in English IV; special thanks to Mr. Justin Caruncho, student teacher in English IV.)

smile!!! :D

2005-07-10T11:39:00.000+08:00

hay. ganito ba talaga ang pag-ibig?

ang gaan ng pakiramdam, parang lumulutang ka sa mga ulap. ang corny noh? kaya nga tinatanong ko eh: ganito ba talaga ang pag-ibig?

partida, wala pa siya nyan sa harap mo. pano pa kaya kung magkasabay kayong naglalakad, o kaya magkatabi kayo sa ulan?

tapos, kung makipag-usap ka sa kanya, parang... wala lang. happy happy. kung mag-usap kala mo kung sinong matalik na magkaibigan eh na ngayon lang ulit nagkita at nagkausap.

pero alam mong hindi naman ganun, diba?

oo, alam mong sandali lang kayo magkakasama. kaya feeling mo, wala lang talaga. sinasamahan mo lang yung tao.

eh bakit pa?

ilang beses ko na rin tinanong yan sa sarili ko. kelan ko nalaman yung sagot?

nung magkahiwalay na kami. nung may iba na siyang pupuntahan. nung alam mong, kelangan na niyang magpaalam.

hayan. ngayong wala na siya sa tabi mo, alam mo na kung bakit gusto mo siyang nakakasama, nakakasabay.

hayan, hindi mo na malaman kung dapat ka bang ngumiti, kung dapat magsaya, kung dapat malungkot, kung maglalakad ka na lang ba ng mag-isa sa ulan - kung anong dapat mong gawin.

at, oo, ganun nga siguro talaga ang pag-ibig. kaya... ngumiti ka na lang.

red.

2005-07-06T19:41:00.000+08:00

is it....

the lace neatly knotted around your hair...
or the tight cord choking my heart painfully?

the light which glowers right at your face...
or the dark curtain which blocks you from me?

the rose that someday i could finally give...
or whose thorns, into my heart you deeply pierce?

the color of the words clearly written here...
or the nature of those which i really want to say?

bakit??? (ii)

2005-07-05T20:21:00.000+08:00

bakit ba pagkatapos kong kumain ng hapunan, dederetso ako sa harap ng monitor, ibubukas yung notepad, at magta-type ng mga bagay na naaalalang nagdaan sa isang araw?
bakit ba andami kong naaalalang mga pangyayari???
bakit ba lagi kang kasama ka sa mga ala-alang iyon?
bakit ba pag naiisip kita, magdadrama ako sa notepad na hindi naman de-papel???
bakit minsan, bigla akong malulungkot, o minsa'y iiyak sa harap ng keyboard??
bakit kahit gano kahirap, susubukan ko pa ring isulat yung mga bagay na yun??
bakit pag ikaw, kahit ano pa yan, lagi akong apektado??
bakit ba hindi ko magawang mainis o magalit sayo, kahit ikaw ang dahilan ng lahat ng hinanakit ko???
bakit kahit wala na akong makitang dahilan para ngumiti, isang tingin lang sa iyo, sa buhay ako'y nakukuntento nang muli??
bakit ba, sa paglingon-lingon ko, mga mata mo ang laging hahanap-hanapin??
bakit pag nakita kitang malungkot o tahimik, may kakaibang kabog na tumitiris sa aking damdamin??
bakit nga ba... ikaw ang napili kong mahalin???
bakit ba puro bakit ang mga tanong ko sa aking sarili?
bakit ba ako nagtatanong ng mga bagay na alam kong ako lang ang makakasagot?
bakit kaya, pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, isusulat ko ito sa isang notepad, ilalagay sa aking blog, at ipapaubaya sa mga mambabasa na intindihin ang sitwasyon ko???

at, bakit, bakit kaya hindi pa ako nagsasawa sa mga walang kwentang pinagsusulat ko dito???

slap!!!

2005-07-04T19:17:00.000+08:00

oh boy. research... again.

why, it's four o' clock in the morning. and i'm only halfway done. no sleep, my friends.

and it's all highlighted with a red blotch in the left cheek.

what red blotch? the pink tic which appeared after mommy administered a whopping at my face.

all because i was too desperate to finish this whole piece of junk. using yahoo! messenger, i asked for help from this certain girl (who actually knows a lot about research.) that was three o' clock in the dawn. then out of nowhere a small yet supple hand came smack! into my face.

"akala ko ba nagreresearch ka? mukhang nanliligaw ka lang eh!" came the shrill cry of dear mommy.

"ha? hindi po! nagpapatulong lang ako sa research!" i retorted back, obviously outraged at the act. but no alibi or reason seemed to satisfy her, so she returned to bed with a hot head which really shouldn't be there.

anyway, the damage was done. and blotch or no blotch, my cheek hurts.

those days...

2005-07-02T19:36:00.000+08:00

take me as you are.. push me on the road..
the silence, i need this time to be with you...

but where's the silence, when i desperately need it the most?

i'm sorry if it doesn't seem like this... but.. i need to be next to you. or this might be clearer; so to make things real short....

i miss you. badly.

i know you don't feel it that way. but reality is, every moment i've had with you, every single laughter and word, every smile... all is vividly pictured in my mind. like a filmstrip which would never stop reeling...

and when things shift back to reality, a blank thought fills the empty void inside me. because nothing's happened.

so i'm sorry. my fault anyway.

maybe, those memories, i just should keep to myself... i can't really tell if you care. not that you need me...

but i do.

Garfield: my birthday edition

2005-06-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

this strip was acquired june 25, 2005.

*p.s. sorry for the 120-hour time lapse. enjoy.

lost fragments... ii

2005-06-30T20:41:00.000+08:00

AGONY OF... THE FEET (FOOT.)

for starters, here is a flashback (of the past. what??):

two years back, my left foot got a bit banged during our annual sportsfest. we were in the finals, and having just played the game to advance, we obviously were battered and bruised. but we played. a few minutes in the game, we were already losing.

and then that fateful moment came.

fastbreak situation - on our side of the court. i was running (though not quite a run, due to fatigue...) to the hoop, when i was challenged by the opposing team's best player (incidentally, a girl.) when i scooped up for the lay-up, she forcefully tried to strip the ball away, but only hit my right arm, the same time her right foot accidentally kicked my left heel. and then all was black, and only felt searing pain from way below my foot.

eventually, the pain passed away, but my parents came to know of the incident and insisted that i pay the doctor a visit - alone.

and so i did. here's the transcript (with translation):

me: good afternoon doc. i was that kid who called you earlier....
doc: yes, i remember. the guy with the aching foot?
me: uh... yes sir.
doc: precisely when and where did you acquire the pain?
me: during a basketball game in our school.
doc: oh.. i see. come, i'll have to give you an x-ray.
**moments later**
doc: now... hmm... i'm afraid to tell you that your foot has a fracture just near your achilles' heel.
*silence.*
doc: the good news is, it's not that bad. however, for it to completely heal, you'll need to limit its activity.
me: okay. so that's it? thank you very much, doc.
doc: and one thing - if it aches again, like the searing pain you felt when you first felt it, return to me and have another checkup, okay? these stuff recurr a lot.
me: okay. thank you again, doc. *standing up*
doc: and another thing - try to minimize your soda intake.
me: yes sir.

since that fateful day, minor pains occassionally hounded my left foot, but not inducing much pain. not until one afternoon pehm session ended. i ran up the stairs to our room, changed to my uniform, and was about to fit in my leather shoe. snap. the sound couldn't have come from anywhere else. i felt something below my leg crumble. it can't be...

next thing i knew, eyes closed, i was holding to my foot, trying to stifle the pain... to no avail. at first sight, i would look like someone acting. then people would finally realized that it was for real. try as they might, the best thing to do was wait for the pain to subside - a thing which took ten long minutes and a whole lot of tauntings and mischiefs.

thirty minutes later i was walking again, only trying to hide an obvious limping. i succeeded, in some way, but it made a journey too long and tiring, due to the awfully slow progress. and for the first time in my life, as i walked through the edsa route, i counted the number of people able to overtake me in the path. it totaled to 47 - my all-time high.

tomorrow, i might not be limping or seeming immobilized, but please remind me not to be overactive most of the time. thanks.

lost fragments... i

2005-06-30T20:37:00.000+08:00

RESEARCH. defined in modern thesauri as "stress." and why not, considering the time we all spend for some illogically (and illegally) compiled articles acquired from libraries and websites, condensed into a specific topic of interest, and passed to an anti-social teacher for revision all in a span of... never mind. did i hear anyone say "time constraint!"? anyway, there was a change in the deadline of submission of the proposal - an extension of two days. hol-ler!

OPEN SECRETS. password. still can't find any alternative. but at least, the thing doesn't mean anything to me now, except that it was a combination of nine randomly selected letters. pink letter? a pink letter which someone i recently forgot gave to me, in reply to an earlier letter which i sent to the person. as of now, many have seen and read what damned writing was there. inbox, out of the box. as of now, at least a dozen people know what stuff's in my cellphone.

CASINO TREND. someone told me that ten years from now, there will be a great increase in the number of casinos worldwide. therefore, there will be higher sales of playing cards globally, right? yes, the signs of the times are clearly seen within the parameters of our four-cornered room. the latest fad.

I'M IN LOVE!! oh really? uhm, once upon a time, in a far-away physics lab, i got to meet her eyes for a few seconds. then i felt that i was crazily in love. simple indeed?

THE TERMINAL. first, a friend to the FX station. then, a girl to the taxi pod. and lastly, before finally heading home, another friend to the FX station again. when did i develop this philosophy of "as long as there's someone who i know still there, in no way will i be heading home."???

paalam na.

2005-06-28T19:12:00.000+08:00

ikaw. ikaw na naman.

akala ko pa naman, hindi na kita muling iiyakan. akala ko pa naman, wala na akong problema sayo. akala ko pa naman, tapos na ang lahat. akala ko pa naman, magkaibigan na tayo ulit. kaya pasensya na kung hindi na ako magiging magalang sayo. onga pala, hindi mo naman alam na umiyak ako, kaya ayan, dapat alam mo na sa ngayon.

totoo nga talaga ang sabi nila, na maraming namamatay sa akala. pero hindi ako kasama dun. akala mo lang yun.

ayan. nakasira na naman ako ng pangako sa sarili ko. at aba, wag mong isiping kasalanan ko ha. mahiya ka naman. hindi naman kasalanang mapamahal sayo. hindi ko ginustong pagkatapos nun, may magbago. pero nagbago ka na. sobra.

naiisip ko tuloy, mas mabuti na lang sigurong kinalimutan na kita, noon pa... yun naman kasi ang gusto mo diba?

sige. pagbibigyan kita. damahin mo na.

oo. kasi, tama nga sila. kung ngayo'y ganyan ka na naman, sa aki'y hindi ka na kawalan. at masaya na ako sa buhay ko ngayon. kaya ko namang mabuhay ng wala ka. kaya kong ngumiti. kaya kong magmahal. at marami pa akong kayang gawin.... ng wala ka.

simula ngayon, tapos na ang lahat. lilimutin na kita. pangako. para sayo. at, hindi na ako umaasang maibabalik pa yung nakaraan. hindi na uulit yun. wag ka na ring umasa, kahit alam kong hindi mo gagawin yun. bahala na ang tadhana kung magtagpo tayong muli.

sige. dyan ka na. PAALAM.

*note: di ko po isinasara ang blog na ito... baka isipin nyo...*

password, anyone?

2005-06-27T20:08:00.000+08:00

oh, we do know how convenient these group of letters and/or numbers are. may it be the peer group's secret stuff, or your e-mail address' inbox key, or your security bank PIN.

because by nature, we want privacy. we just don't give the essentials away. and i've had my share of struggles with the public regularly, to be specific, my own family (and then again, you know why.)

with those, you feel safe.... until someone else knows. and you realize that it's time to change it.
but what if you can't? because you just can't?

anyway, i'm not telling anyone my personal password because the moment somebody knows, everything will quite be exposed. yes. because i use only one password for all my.... err.. secret safes (i mean online accounts.)

and that's friendly reminder number two: do not use a single password for all your accounts.

what's number one? this is: never, ever use some real person's real name as your security code. you'll have trouble changing it when someone accidentally finds out what it is.

just like what i'm going through right now. i desperately want to change my password now because:

a) someone knows it
b) it's someone's name
c) that someone's a she
d) she's a part of my past
e) i want to totally leave my past behind and
f) the code's the last remaining substance of that past.

it might sound so easy, but no, says who?:

but you can't... because you know that whoever "she" is, she'll still be there, somewhere deep in your heart - a frail memory, but still there.

and you know that. you see her. you hear her name called. you hear HER talk. you see her name on the master list of electives, in the Holy Bible, in your inbox, in songs, even in other people's names.

and then you badly miss her. then you begin wishing desparately. that she'll talk to you. she'll call your name. she'll say hi to you, greet you how do you do, wave her hand at you, smile at you, hold your hand, grip it hard, walk with you side by side, talk to you like she's never talked before, laugh at you, cry to you, lay by your side, hear her say "i love you" just once more.... and make you feel awfully special.

but enough of those wishes and incoherent talk. reality bites, guys. anyway.... what's that quote again?

first love... never dies???

CUT. i was supposed to talk about my password, not some stupidly expressed mushy emotion. just got carried away.

so hey, i'm done.

16

2005-06-26T18:41:00.000+08:00

"ginawan mo ng tula yun?" tanong saken ng isang lalaki.

wala akong sinabi, pero may linaglag akong lukot na papel sa bulsa niya. "tignan mo na lang."

"hay nako gab. ang drama mo. ilagay sa blog!" sabi nung kapatid ko.

"saan tayo bukas?" tanong ng isa pa.

"wala ako bukas eh."

"ay, tumatakas sa libre o!!"

hay. nakakatuwa talaga pag magbebertdey ka na. kasi kahit minsan, naaalala ka ng mga taong tulad nila... :)

"gab, happy birthday!" bati saken ng isang pamilyar na tinig.

napatungo ako ng onti. siya pala yun... "salamat..." tugon ko sa kanya. tapos may habol pang, "tsaka, bukas pa birthday ko..."

syet. kung alam mo lang, desperado na akong makausap ka. tignan mo naman, kung ano-ano nang sinasabi ko sayo. tsaka, ba't ba di kita matignan ng deretso? ganun ka ba talaga kaganda? haaay. ang gulo ko talaga no?

ayun. di ba halata, maganda araw ko?? pati mga guro nga, mukhang nakikiayon... di na nagklase sa amin mula tanghali eh. syempre kami, nanamantala naman. naglaro. nagsugal. naglaro ulit.

mga sampung minuto bago matapos ang klase, lumabas na ako ng paaralan kasama ang isang kaibigan at pumunta ng mcdo. linibre ako nung kasama ko ng coke float. edi ang saya talaga, kasi di naman ako nagpapalibre. (ui... salamat talaga, alam mo na kung sino ka!!! :D)

habang nakapila kami sa mcdo, nasabi ko bigla sa katabi ko, "alam mo ba... heartbroken ako."

"ganun ba? eh ba't ganyan ka makangiti?"

"siguro kasi.... bertdey ko! kaya dapat masaya ako."

tumawa yung kasama ko. "sabagay, tama ka rin." sabay kuha nung coke float.

tapos nun bumalik ulit kami sa quesci. sa mathay 2, kasi may mga tao pa naman dun. sa 4th floor, kung saan napakarami na ring nangyari. doon, nakausap ko ulit siya. matino-tino na rin, kahit papano... partida, heartbroken pa ako. ewan ko ba. ba't ang saya ko nun???

----

alas-dose na ng gabi. di pa rin ako tulog. pero pagod na pagod ako nun. insomnia na naman.... may nag-text. happy birthday daw, sabi niya saken. ang galing nga eh. 12:00:07 niya ako binati. kaso nga lang, hindi pa ako tumanda nun.

pinanganak ako noong ika-25 ng hunyo, sa ganap na alas-sais sa gabi. nung oras na yun, mga lima na rin ang bumati saken. pero hindi pa ako 16 taon gulang nun.

kahit na ganun...... tatanda pa rin ako. nakakainis. ayoko pa talaga. habang iniisip yang bagay na yan, nakatulog na ako.

nagising ako sa bulyaw ni ama. mga 6:30 na ng umaga. kumakain na nga sila eh. "happy irthday anak! ilang taon ka na?" tanong niya.

"um... 16 po."

"hmm... sweet 16 pala! never been kissed, never been touched!" sabay tawa ng mga taong katabi niya sa mesa. sa lakas ba naman nung banat eh, kahit ako nagulat.

kaso, may hindi tumawa. yung babaeng katabi ni itay - na siya ring nagsabi na... "gabriel, hindi ka pupunta sa review mo ngayon."

hindi na ako nakaimik. wala rin namang magagawa eh. hay. hinintay ko na lang na maging ganap na 16 years old na ako... mga labindalawang oras.

a touch... of poetry.

2005-06-26T08:15:00.000+08:00

"write two quatrains about something beautiful," said the teacher during a sunny friday morning.

mirror, mirror on the wall
why do you see me as black, dark and tall?
who are you really, still and small,
and why do you keep staring at us all?

how do you make my physicality
a one-way path to my inner reality?
and no matter what, why do i see
always the beautiful art that's part of me?

i'm awfully sorry if those "quatrains" were not that appalling enough. i only did those in a span of five minutes in english class... because i came in late again.

but then again, dunno why, but i was filled with inspiration in those few minutes, so i tried writing another one:

a lady - fair, gentle and kind
a person always in the back of my mind
a someone, whose smile makes me
the happiest guy that this world will ever see

lovely, eh? i took pride in that. so i continued...

a friend, who never fails to make my day
whose beauty nearly takes my breath away

that's just awesome... until a stunning thought struck me... and i struggled writing the last two lines...

"i love you" are the words from her i wish to hear..
but through all, i know, a wish that will never be...

too bad, that was the end of it. i knew i could have finished it on a happier note, but that would be... not being myself.

simply because i know... that everything in those lines are inevitably...

the truth.

stress alert ii???

2005-06-23T19:53:00.000+08:00

"gab?"

nagliliwaliw ako nun sa tong-its, nang tinawag ako ng isa sa mga kaklase ko. kaya naman hinarap ko siya. andami nila dun, lahat nakatingin saken. tapos sabi nung tumawag, "ang kapal ng eyebags mo."

natahimik ako bigla. tapos, bigla kong hinanap yung salamin ko... pagkatapos ng ilang sandali naalala kong wala na nga pala akong salamin.

kaya naman pumunta ako agad sa may banyo, kung saan may salamin... binasa ang mukha. pinunasan ng panyo. tinignan ang replika ng sarili... ng malapitan. at totoo nga. hindi lang makapal ang eyebags. dumami pa mga tigyawat. at kapansin-pansin din ang pamumula
ng mukha. wala na naman akong sunburn.

siguro nga sa sarili lang yun. sabi nga nila, "stress lang yan." o kaya ang hilig ko lang talagang magpuyat. pwede ring dahil pihikan ako sa pagkain (sabi nga nila pumapayat daw ako eh).

pero, di kaya dahil sa ang dami kong iniisip? di kaya sumuko na puso ko sa mga pangyayari?? di kaya ako lagnatin ulit dahil sa mga pinaggagawa ko?

o di kaya masyado na akong maraming tinatanong sa sarili ko, na nagdudulot ng panghihina ko??

sige. tingin niyo ba, magulo ako?

sorry, hindi ko masagot yung mga tanong. di kaya mas mabuti nang pabayaan na lang yan???

the researcher... part ii

2005-06-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

well, i'm back guys... and with more vengeance and wrath.

ladies and gentlemen, we have a new research teacher. he will supervise on all of our projects for this fourth year.

you guessed it - that would be mr. ronald atanacio, an acquiree of BSN, MA in Education and Biology, certified gynecologist and ranked top 11 in some national examination. isn't he great? no? of course not. for a fact, he doesn't look - normally human... him, and his habitual stoop, and his blackened eyes, and his unwavering 'evil' smile.

after presenting his credentials, he required us 3 notebooks for his class - a hundred-page one for lecture, a fifty-page one for data collection, and a lesson plan-size one (actually, two one-hundred-page notebooks) for the Research itself.

why? because he's a psycho.

then he went on brawling for our first assignment: the individual research proposal, as in individual. the topic we were supposed to use will be the topic chosen by the group, only to be written individually - from abstract to bibliography, which reminds me of two things: 1) the submitted hard copy is to be written by hand in the big 200-page notebook, filling up at least 10 leaves back-to-back and 2) the number of sources used for the paper must be at least numbered 100; if taken only from the Internet, raise that number up by 50.

and then there's that sarcastic smile again, for the umpteenth time. it's just, so... bewitching.

what i mean to say about bewitching is that the whole class either had fallen into a deep trance to the point that they can't speak, or they had been magically glued to their seats and completely immobilized, to prevent from charging the speaker like a raging bull.

"now class, any questions?... reactions? ayokong violent ha." he repeatedly blurted out, causing him just to be more irritant (if he wasn't irritating enough yet..)

classes were only up to 4 pm, remember? it was 4:20 when he took his bag and murmured "goodbye class," a statement that I'll love to hear from him from now on.

all I could only hope was a good working relationship with the guy. as 4:21 pm had shown up on the clock, I knew that all my hopes were shattered at once.

coincidentally, a friend named ronald also celebrated his birthday on the new teacher's debut to avogadro-4. eight hours earlier, there was the jovially resounding greeting of "happy birthday ronald!"... eight hours later, i could only think of more or less, three words to summarize all the day's events, and this is meant for the non-celebrator:

damn you ronald.

internal debt relief?

2005-06-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

hey, when did i ever become financially stable on my own? never? then why does my family owe a lot of money from me? especially my parents? are all family breadwinners of this generation under a major state of turmoil, causing them to turn to their sons and daughters for financial help?

mommy doesn't want me to have my personal bank account. ol' pop won't give me any daily allowance - he insists that i should give them to my still-not-that-capable BABY brothers theirs. and they ask me to pay for the gas tank, and the pizza delivery, AND my school supplies. and now they use up my future birthday allowance for paying the Meralco bill.

c'mon guys, tell me what's going on. you know it. you experience it, day by day you do. or am I alone here?

just to further insinuate on the family expenses, here's a rundown of their 'debts' since year time immemorial:

P 6,300 - taken from my previous savings account (for confidential reasons)
P 2,800 - personal expenses on school paraphernalia
P 2,500 - birthday and Christmas incentives from relatives
P 1,300 - household commodites like candles, vegetables, and video rent
P xxxx.xx unaccounted for, which i don't remember

which amounts to a whopping 13,000 bucks, all vanished in wisps of smoke.

now I understand all that stuff in the news, about cancelling debts and such and so. i know the feeling, and it's not good.

anyway, there's the promise that they'll pay me back.

because after all... promises are meant to be broken.

torn...

2005-06-19T20:44:00.000+08:00

"ma'am, i think the slogan wants to tell us that, when you say you love someone... it should be felt by the other person -... the one you love. if that person doesn't feel it at all... then there's no love in it...."

quoting myself in a Thursday English class through that thought is simply jaw-dropping. I was just reflecting on my ideas regarding a Snoopy and Woodstock poster slogan depicting "love is not love until you share it with someone."

after saying all that stuff, I gave myself a sidewards glance at my dear classmates, who were just as stupefied as I was during those silent moments. seeing their blank faces, they seem to tell me "who are you to talk like that about 'sharing love,' huh?"

meanwhile, somewhere deep in my complex human brain, an internal struggle was on due course; something like a Cold War furiously raging inside there... and it moaned on till the end of the day. (if you've known me for some time now, i suppose you know why...)

trying to figure out how to solve this puzzle, I found myself helplessly torn between the idea of talking to her (just like the old times,) or doing nothing, swallowing my emotions, and conceding to the fact that 'I don't love her,' which I know a majority of you guys will violently react to.

of course, the most logical solution to little problems is to decide and live or die with it. but as a personal philosophy, I've developed this not-so-effective habit of "choosing the gray area between black and white," which certainly I did - resulting to a lot of pending "small problems." consequently, little things, no matter how small, always pile up to create a big one.

so, there's still a whole lot of problems remaining unsolved, and will stay that way...tentatively.

the wrong side of the bed?

2005-06-15T20:57:00.000+08:00

six-forty, sun up. sitting on the far end of a moving jeepney, i was the usual tranquil guy after waking up (solely because... i was not fully awake yet.) the vehicle stopped at an intersection. looking outside, i fell into a deep trance, staring at a green facade of leaves... until a horde of passengers blocked my view and stopped the spell. after regaining the clear view, i soon realized that i should've gone down the jeep earlier. but the thing was moving again.

and just like that, there's the quick conclusion: this day will be, under no circumstances... a fine day.and true enough; upon entering the classroom, i was sporting my bedtime sleepy-eyed, body-battered, thoroughly stressed expression. later in the day i would develop a mild cold, my eyes would water up half a dozen times due to a very funny feeling (actually lax and sleep) and then transform into a jovial hyperactive psycho - all in a span of... six hours.

and i blew up a chemistry quiz, and sighed at a mediocre score in a math test, with all results posted near the board. and i also forgot that i had set up a brief chit-chat with someone after classes. i only caught up with myself five minutes before the set time.

but at least, after the 'meeting,' i was quite enlightened and refreshed a tiny little bit.

why short-lived? because ten minutes later it would rain, while i was walking along north edsa. and because the friend who i just talked to did not have an umbrella with her. nor did i..

not that i cared about the rain. in fact, i like it.

generally, it was a long, slow, very slow day.

the need... for sleep.

2005-06-13T18:25:00.000+08:00

... late na ha. ba't di ka pa tulog?

"hay. ewan ko ba... siguro alam mo kung bakit..?"

hmm... tignan natin... ano ba to... matinding pagkabog ng dibdib, kadalasang pagkawala sa sarili, pagkawala ng gana sa pagkain-

"minsanang panlalamig? pagsakit ng ulo, o pagkahilo? pagkatulala nag sobrang tagal? at... isang ngiting tila di mawari? oo nga."

sa pagkakaalam ko, mga karaniwang sintomas ng tinatawag na...

"'labnat.' tama ba?"

tama... siya pa rin diba?

"bakit, tingin mo ba magpapalit ako? asa ka pa!"

hindi naman. pero, wag mo naman masyadong patayin yang sarili mo kakaisip sa kanya. alam mo, kailangan mo rin ng tulog, diba?

"oo... pero.."

bakit ba kasi kabado ka na naman? dapat nga masaya ka na eh. wala ka nang problema.

"di ba ako mukhang masaya? di ko nga lang alam kung dapat ako maging masaya."

bahala ka nga. eh kung di mo alam, dapat di ka nakangiti na parang ganyan.

"hmmm.... ewan! di ko kasi alam anong mga mangyayari sa tuesday eh. excited lang ako."

naku, pag inlab naman talaga! wag ka mag-alala... magiging maganda ang araw na yun.

"talaga lang ha! pano kung di ako makapasok sa tuesday?"

dahil sa labnat? bahala na. kaya nga matulog ka na eh. para makapagpahinga ka naman. atsaka mabuti na ring nakangiti ka kaysa sa nagluluksa ka. diba?

"heh! gnun ba. bahala na. inaantok na ako. magandang gabi."

abrupt mood swings.

2005-06-12T12:56:00.000+08:00

6:45, says the school guardhouse clock. finally, a first for the week - and for the whole year.

after three or four days of unsuccessful tries, i made it to school before the cut-off time of 7 am.

certainly, i had a reason to smile.

yes, i was forced to go to school early because i had accidentally brought with me someone else's eyeglasses. but the important thing is i'm not late. no whatevers. and then i was revitalized from my early arising (5:20 am) when the class secretary informed me that he wasn't taking no late marks or absences, which means that i still don't have a single recorded tardy mark.

now i had many a reason to smile about. and when i'm happy, things go smooth for me. real... smooth - like the Chinese chi flowing from all four corners of the room. it was such and such, and i felt like i was smiling all day long.

but it didn't last longer than that.

while i was rewriting my chemistry notes, a certain 'someone' (actually some 'she') put forth a strong burst of emotions which probably caught me off guard, and literally shook me up. it was quite short, but the impact was - uhm, enormous.

suddenly, i wasn't smiling. the few small reasons to smile quickly vanished in a wisp of smoke, erased by a major problem which seemed to... kill me softly and slowly... but surely.

and i thought even the weather knew how i felt, as it lashed, torched, and tormented me with the hot sun rays, while i was silently walking by and pondering on the situation.

of course, it was obviously my fault. mine. but acknowledging that was never as easy as it seems.

even my mental crackdown was seen in the dining table, as i lost all interest in eating a magnificent dinner. it's certainly natural that i eat a minute amount of food, but i still eat regularly. this time around, i did not, as i went immediately to our room, wanting to sleep through the day's events.

it wasn't effective. the stress was showing up all over my face, like i wasn't even able to sleep at all. and it carried over, through the next day and the review classes, the mock test, lunch time, window shopping, and going home again.

and so there i went, in front of the 14-inch monitor and its dusty companion keyboard and mouse. opening the notepad program, i tried sequencing the past events and writing it down, saving it to a negligible file and location, and posting it here. but it was just too much to bear. i ended up erasing the 50-paragraph text, mainly because the whole thing was just - out of sync.

and when i was really about to break down, a smiley face lit up. and a few minutes later, i was "talking" to her again. blabbering somewhat unintelligible statements, while my heart was pounding very wildly, and my hands strating to freeze like it was really cold (when it was actually not.)

because i wanted to say sorry. and another sorry. and they were right - 'sorry' is the hardest word to say, harder than 'i love you' (strangely, something i haven't told HER yet) or anything else. why? because my heart is just too full of pride - also the very reason why i was... hmm.. ignoring? the person for quite a while.

after an hour or so, i was smiling again. not the awful wide smile that you rightfully see from me day by day, but the timid, pursed smile which says 'i don't know what i've done, but i seem to feel all right now.'

...incidentally, also because of the very same person who made me drastically sober just a day ago.

mind you, i'm still wearing the smile that was present just a night ago. and i can only hope that it would last longer... longer than ever.

ang ika-apat...

2005-06-11T21:06:00.000+08:00

kreee-e-ek. nahagip na ng dilim ang buong bahay. isang payat na bata ang dumungaw sa nakabukas na pinto. tulog na silang lahat... kaya't ginawang unti-unting gumapang pababa sa hagdan, kinuha ang mga gamit, at umakyat nang muli pabalik sa silid.

tila walang nakarinig o nakapansin man lang.

dahan-dahang isinara ang pintuan... at tahimik na umupo sa kama ang lalaking iyon, kinuha ang isang kwaderno at panulat mula sa isang bag na di na makita dulot ng dilim. sunod namang kinapa ay ang kanyang cellphone; kinalikot ng sandali... at isang maaliwalas na busilak ng ilaw ay nagliwanag sa kanyang kinaroroonan.

lahat ay handa na; hawak ang isang panulat at kwaderno, sa bag ay may hinalungkat pa siyang isang piraso ng papel, na sa unang tingin ay walang halaga... pero ito ang dahilan kaya't nagpapakapuyat pa ang lalaki. binuksan nito ang kwaderno, inilipat ng ilang pahina, at nakahanap ng pagsusulatan.

Jose Protacio Mercado Rizal y Alonso Realonda. Ipinanganak... ang unang mga salita na nakatala sa pahinang iyon.

grabe, kala nyo kung anong drama? gumagawa lang siya ng assignment. wag kayong mag-alala... pero para sa mga hindi pa nakakaalam, ako yang tao na tinutukoy sa mga talata. oo, seryoso!

namangha ba kayo? ako oo. kasi di naman ako ganyan dati. di ko pinagpupuyatan ang assignment; para sa internet ang puyat. kaya nga ako nagulat eh. napansin niyo man o hindi, malaki na ang binago ko.

nagbago na nga ba, o nagpapanggap lang, tulad ng sabi ni ma'am erpelo? kayo na lang maghusga.

hatinggabi na noon. naisipan na rin niya na kailangan niyang ipahinga ang kanyang mga mata, malabo na nga eh, wala pang salamin. kaya naman pagkahiga niya, kaagad na rin siyang nahulog sa isang malalim na tulog.

malalim ba? bumangon na kasi ako mga 5:30 am. kung iniisip niyo ang itsura ko pagkagising.. eto yun - tayo-tayo yung buhok, lalo na yung sa may bandang kaliwa (dahil dun nakatagilid ang buhok ko), bahagyang nakapikit at kirat ang mga mata, hindi pantay ang damit na suot. yung kama? wag niyo nang itanong.

nung mga panahon na yon, sigurado na ako na hindi ako mahuhuli sa klase (5:30 ba naman diba?) tapos mabilis naman ako mag-ayos ng sarili ko. mga 6:20, nakaalis na ako ng bahay. tapos nakasakay agad ako sa jeep. naghihinala na nga ako na magiging maganda ang araw ko eh.

nasa may mcdonald's playplace na ako ng mga 6:50. napapangiti-ngiti na ako nun, sigurado na kasi talaga ako nun. kaya naman medyo binilisan ko na rin lakad ko patungo sa paaralan (mga 10 minuto rin yun.) mula playplace. pagkarating ko... wala nang masyadong tao sa labas. yung oras sa guardhouse: 7:15 am. patay. apat na.

kaya ayun nanaman, habang naglalakad ako ng mabilis patungo sa room namin ang tindi ng kabog ng damdamin ko. buti na lang mabait si mrs. bongon, yung 1st subject at english teacher nmen. buti na lang talaga. pero apat na ang late ko. wala na akong magagawa dun.

tapos dumating yung math time. pinasa namin yung pinakauna naming assignment ng taon... na nakalagay sa maliliit na filler. nakakatuwa nga yung teacher mgcheck eh (si miss guggie) kasi ngsstamp lng siya ng pangalan nya sa may filler, tapos okey na! ang cute nga eh.

dahil nakaupo ako sa harap ng teacher's table nun, ako yung pinagbalik nung mga na-checkan nang fillers. at syempre, kasama yung filler nya dun. oo di ko pa rin siya naharap, pero, sabihin nyo naman, asenso ako kahit papano diba??? ( :D pagbigyan nyo na ako. please.) tapos nun, nag-quiz kami. pinakaunang quiz ng taon. ayos lang, nakakahilo na nakakasakit ng batok na nakakaantok, gaya ng lahat ng mga quiz sa math. di ko nga natapos eh. bad trip. haaay.

mga 40 na minutong nakalipas, break na namin. kasama ko yung kapatid kong babae. (na kaklase rin :D) hiram ko pa salamin niya; okey lang kasi pareho lang grado ng mata namin (at magkamukha daw kami, kaya kapatid ko siya!) naguusap-usap lang kami tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay sa may malapit sa hagdan, hanggang... sa dumaan siya. nagulat naman ako sa reaksyon ni kapatid kasi dinala niya ako pabalik sa classroom namin.

"alam mo, kuya, kausapin mo na yun. habang 4th year pa tayo at may panahon ka pa."

natahimik naman ako bigla. nabulabog na naman utak ko... "..ha?"

yun lang ang nagawa kong masabi.

"oo pansinin mo naman kasi. para kasing di kayo magkakilala, alam mo ba yun? ano ba ang problema? gusto mo pa rin ba sya?"

"uh... ano... ewan..." sagot ko sa kanya, habang linulunok ko yung bigat nung mga sinabi niya. "...oo."

"yun naman pala eh. pansinin mo kasi."

"...alam mo, di ko alam... may masama ba akong ginagawa?"

"wala naman... diba kaibigan mo pa rin naman siya eh."

at ang magkaibigan ay naguusap - isang bagay na lagi kong sinasabi sa iba, ngunit di ko naman magawa. hanggang sa ngayon, pinag-iisipan ko pa rin yan... at di pa rin maiwasan ang masaktan habang iniisip yun.

pagkatapos nun, bumaba kami sa canteen, kasi andun yung nanay ni kapatid na nagpabili ng mga libro. at aba naman, pagdating namin dun may binabantayan na dalawang plastik ng makakapal na libro yung nanay niya. naisip ko na lang bigla na kailangan ko rin ng libro, gaya nya.

nakasalubong ko rin yung dati naming adviser (avo-3).

dahil sa kilala ako nung guro, ang una niyang tanong sa akin ay...

"ano, gab, nala-late ka pa rin ba?"

ngiti naman ako, sabay sabi "ma'am! hindi na po." ang sama ko noh? sinungaling!

nung hapon naman, nagpakita na rin ang isa pang guro namin; sa musika, si gng. lomibao, na ang buong pangalan ay leticia lorenzana lazo lomibao. ma-L daw siya... ma-love!!!

hayun. maaga na naman ang uwian. wala si sir atanacio. at di ko pa pala nasabi - may adviser na kami, si ma'am villar, ang guro sa filipino. akala ko mataray lang siya, pero ayos pala - magaling din. (teka, di ko pa ba talaga nasasabi ito?)

kaya, maaga ulit ang uwian. pakasaya muna ako, kasi baka kinabukasan baka lumaglag ang mukha ko sa lungkot. :)

naglalakad na ako pauwi... nang nagulat ako dahil sa linaw ng paningin ko.

nasa akin yung salamin ni kapatid. kailangan kong pumasok ng maaga bukas... tsk.

three days gone; ten months to go.

2005-06-08T21:58:00.000+08:00

vrrrrr. a pillow just vibrated. strange? no. it was just the alarm clock, two words which here means "a multifunctional device configured to wake a person up ON TIME." the time on the cellphone shows 07:00. no need to worry, i always set my clock ninety minutes advanced.

incidentally, i was just right on time - to be late for class on the first day; a pledge which i myself had held on since vacation started. by now this should be no different thing to you, if you know the fact that my name is presently synonymous with "terrific latecomer."

and so i was prepared to go by 7:45... i mean 6:15. but i held myself for four solid minutes, killing time with a rubik's cube, eventually reconstructing it to its original form. (by the way, four minutes is my personal best in using the magic cube.)

'twas still dark when i left the house. not that dark, but obviously the skies were blackened. and when it rains... it pours. and it poured... while i was walking to school thru the edsa route, a feat which i complete in about ten minutes. and i don't use umbrellas or parasols, or whatever. you MUST know that you won't get sick when you walk in the rain. some won't agree, but i love the rain.

upon arriving at the school gate, wet and shivering, i noticed that there was the absence of (un)synchronized voices of singing students. assuming that that part of the monday routine is over, i walked straight to the familiar line-in place of my dear classmates, passing by a few students standing by the sidelines of the covered court. later will i know that the people there were
'early' latecomers... get my point?

then we headed to our beloved homeroom, once used by avogadro-3. inside, there were no chairs, to the wonder of many. so we were sent down again to the conference hall, and brought some monobloc chairs back up to the room - chairs that we'll be using... for the moment. i positioned myself up front in the starboard... i mean to say "the right wall, beside the windows and facing the teacher's table."

from there on, not much really happened. only one - yes, one teacher had the fresh legs to go up four floors and meet her students for an hour and twenty minutes... that was mathematics for you.

the lockers were assigned too, by lottery - and i was able to draw locker number eight, in a 9 x 5 set of lockers. my bag was nabbed from me a lot of times, for just a single reason - my cellphone. to be more accurate, my inbox. enough said.

we also did some sort of introduction, due to the fact that we were sort of - disbanded. what did i say? "hello. ako po si gab. gabriel de leon po." that short. judging by the statement, it's quite obvious that there was still that aura of discomfort hovering inside the four walls of avogadro-IV, do you agree?

dismissal was quite early, around three pm. our class schedule states that it should last until four. how ...nice.

... and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)

and that's day one for starters.
----
a pillow vibrates again. the clock shows 7:15 this time. however i felt that i lacked five minutes of sleep, so i lied down again. i wake up again, and it was forty-five minutes later. honestly, i didn't plan to be late the next time around... but i had no choice.

believe it or not, it requires skill to be late twice in a row. you know, we all want to be at school - the excitement's all there. do you think it's very easy to contain all that thrill and be able to sleep for long, solid hours? hey guys, it's me who's saying this. it's hard.

what's amazing is that my parents don't know that i'm late for class. they're simply a couple of sleepy humbugs (hey, hey, hey... look who's talking!) waiting to be woken up. oh - that's not really amazing.

i reached the school gates at precisely 7:20 (according to the clock by the guardhouse.) i went to the comfort room and mystified myself with what i saw in front of the mirror - a dark, skinny boy, all wet. i look down, and i confront my shoes, covered with mess and muck. uneffectively wiping it out with a damp piece of pad paper, i went up the stairs to the classroom, heart pounding, body wildly shaking. crossing my fingers, i haplessly started wishing that there was no teacher yet, which at first thought i believed was preposterous.

slow step by slow step i approached the room; and what met me was a barrage of cheers and jeers. that was very usual when i came in late, so i took it all with humungous pride. when it happens a lot of times, you can't help but expect from them what they expect from you. frankly, one of my greatest stunts in high school life.

and what's even better is that there was no teacher. and there were no elected officers yet - providing the luck break for me, with no one recording those absences and lates.

unfortunately, all that was about to end that very day.

"yesterday" almost all of the sections had elected their set of officers. so the people inside the room decided that later in the day, we will have our own.

i didn't want to be part of any of it, and wanted the decision to lie on the other people in the class. my vote doesn't matter in any way. or that's what i thought. i was not alone, nevertheless; another friend of mine was also out there playing cards. i was talking to a "favorite" friend of mine, and when we talk, we talk a lot, regardless of the time.

while we were wistfully pouring our hearts out, a couple of friends passed by where we are. and they were saying that i was nominated for class escort. upon hearing, i thought for a fleeting second that i was in oblivion. in the next, i was bursting out with laughter.

being labeled as class escort could be the worst thing that could happen to me - it just.. doesn't fit in. so it's a good thing the nomination didn't garner enough votes. alas, the absurdity of people these days...

...which reminds me. we don't have a class adviser yet. and we've met only four out of ten teachers.

dismissal was early again. but sm never changed it rules, or so as it seems. i waited til five to be able to enter the main buliding.

then headed down to national bookstore, right at the basement.. i needed only a few things, like a couple of notebooks or something. however, what matters is where you are. dunno what got into me, but i fell into this long queue that never seemed to move. upon further scrutiny, i heard that there was a problem with some credit card processing. knowing that there's nothing i could do, i stood and waited. and yawned. and waited. and.... yawned. after what seemed an eternity, i was out of the beeline.

to home, now i head. day two's now in the record books.
----
7:15, says the cellphone. i was somewhat nauseous and feeling drowsy... so i went off to bed. once again.

ten minutes passed... "gabriel. late na gising mo ha. bilisan mo." came the sturdy voice of my father, immediately shaking me up.

and true enough, i came in late by 15 minutes. yes sir, it's three in a row... and my first recorded late of the year. and another thing, the teacher was there.

wasn't i saying just earlier how hard it is to garner two lates in a row?

maybe i should introduce the class schedule: (i hope you won't mind if i hurry..)

7 - 8 English; 8 - 9 Chemistry; 9 - 9:40 Filipino; 9:40 - 11 Math; 11 - 11:40 AP; 11:40 - 12:20 Elective; 12:20 - 1 LUNCH; 1 - 2 Physics; 2 - 2:40 BREAK; 2:40 - 3:20 PEHM; 3:20 - 4 Research.

so far we've met seven out of a 'possible' ten teachers.

and not one of them... is our adviser. yet to be seen in action is the eye-bugged mr. atanacio, the wily research teacher.

and we already have assignments. and a scheduled quiz. and lots of things to bring. and i got my first bruise of the school year just before math time. i was locked and held by a friend so tight; i tried to wriggled free but i got kneed in the right thigh. and i came down limping.

hopefully, there's still more to come after day 3.

enrollment...

2005-06-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

"gabriel, gising na. maaga dapat tayo." tatay ko naman gumising sa akin ngayon.

teka, bakasyon pa diba? dapat ang gising ko, mga 10 am pa...

"hoy may enrollment ka ngayon diba? bumangon ka na nga dyan!" bulyaw niya ulit.

ay, oo nga pala. kaya pala di ako makatulog nung isang gabi... excited kasi eh... at handa na rin. nakapili na ako ng course. napirmahan na yung card. tatapusin ko na lang yung upcat form.

ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon di ko mapigilan yung pagbugso ng isang mabigat na kalungkutan. hindi ko alam kung bakit. kaya habang nagmumuni-muni, inipon ko na yung mga kailangan - application forms, report card, ballpen, pambayad... at yung sarili ko.

naisip ko bigla, bakit hindi pinayagan ng school na kumuha na lang ng enrollment forms para makapag-enroll ng mag-isa yung anak? nakakainis naman eh. ayoko kasing mag-away kami ng nanay ko sa harap ng mga studyante; mga isang linggo pa lang mula nung nabasa nila inbox ko... at sigurado ako nasa isip pa rin nila yun...

pero wala na akong magagawa. pagkalipas ng kakaunting panahon nasa may likuran na ako ng kotse bitbit yung brown na envelope kung san ko linagay yung mga papel. naramdaman ko na nanginginig ako; hindi sa lamig ng aircon o sa init ng katawan ko, ngunit dahil sa isang bagay na buong umagang bumabagabag sa isip ko.

pagkarating namin doon yung nanay ko pumila kaagad kahit di pa niya alam kung para saan yung nakita niyang pila, na medyo maiksi pa naman. ako kumukuha pa lang ng enrollment form. sinabi ko sa kanya "hindi pa kailangang pumila diyan, di pa po ako nakakapagsimula dito sa enrollment form."

dun nagsimula yung away namin. kasi naman nagmamadali yung mga magulang ko para sa kung anong bagay ba yun, ni hindi man lang niya tinanong para saan yung pila. tama ba naman yun? tapos sinabi ko na lang sa tatay ko "pirmahan niyo na po, para makapunta na po kayo sa meeting niyo."

okey na sana eh, kaso biglang sumingit si nanay, "eh ihahatid ka pa namin sa dentista mo, kaya bilisan mo naman!" kung saan nagulat pati yung tatay ko. kasi ang dala lang naming pera ay yung para sa enrollment. mukhang maraming iniisip si tatay kaya pinabayaan na niya ako kay inay. sana naman walang nakapansin, sa lakas ba naman ng boses namin eh.

ang bilis ko maka-enroll. mga 20 mins. lang siguro, kasama na yung pag-fill up nung mga forms. pabalik na sana ako sa kotse nung naalala kong kailangan pang ibigay yung card sa enrollment committee... kaya bumalik ako sa mesa kung nasaan sila.

"ma'am, eto po yung card ko." sabi ko dun sa katapat ko na teacher.

"yung enrollment slip mo?" tanong niya. hinalungkat ko sa envelope na hawak ko, tapos di sadya, napatingin ako sa bandang kaliwa ko...

katabi ko na pala siya. ang galing naman. may kinakausap yata siyang teacher nun.

"okey na..." sabi nung teacher na nasa harap ko, sabay kalabit sa akin gamit yung enrollment slip na may pirma na niya.

hinarap ko siya ulit. "salamat po ma'am..." at napatingin ulit sa may kaliwa.

andun pa rin siya. pero ngayon, nagkasalubong yata mata namin. oo parang ganun... ang weird nga eh. kaso mga ilang milenyo na rin kaming di nag-uusap nun. ano nangyari? wala. nag-abot lang yung mga mata namin ng sandali. hindi ako nakaimik. sabay talikod, tapos naglakad patungo sa kotse.

nasa may gate na yung kotse nung bigla namang bumanat si ama: "bakit hindi mo tinuro sa amin?"

mabilis kong sinagot: "wala pa po eh. di ko pa nakikita." hay nako. sinungaling. pero naniwala sila.

pagkatapos ko sa dentista at pagkalipas ng dalawang oras, bumalik ulit ako sa paaralan. mas onti na yung tao nun, kasi karamihan nag-enroll na nung umaga. nung naglalakad na ako papunta doon nakasalubong ko ang isang matalik na kaibigan, hindi nga lamang naka-uniform.

"tol di ako pinayagan eh! may gagawin ka ba?" tanong niya sa akin. "palit muna sana tayo ng damit o, sandali lang naman eh!"

syempre, sa bait ko, pano ako tatanggi? tsaka ayoko pa talagang umuwi nun, kahit yung utos sa akin umuwi na raw ako. kaya pagkalabas namin ng cr mga sampung minuto ang nakalipas, aba naman, extreme makeover. siya, suot yung oversized polo ko, yung pantalon ko na bitin sa kanya dahil mas matangkad siya saken, at yung kupas ko nang sapatos. ako, suot yung blue nya na t-shirt, yun pantalon niyang reversible at tila panwalis ng sahig dahil sa haba nun sa akin at sa kaluwagan nito, at yung napakaganda niyang puting sapatos. kamukha ko pa naman yun, sabi nila. edi yan, makaka-enroll na siya. tinulungan ko siya sa mga bagay-bagay, saan hihingi ng ganito, ano kailangang isulat, yung mga simpleng bagay lang.

naglakad kami patungo sa listahan ng mga sections. habang patungo sa direksyon na yun, nakasalubong namin ang isang malaking tropa ng mga studyante. avo-3 pala yun, mga kaklase ko... anong aasahan ko, syempre andun rin siya. di yata ako nakilala sa outfit ko. pero di naman kasi siya ang sadya ko nung mga panahong yun; kaya ako nandun ay para tulungan ang isang kaibigan na mag-enroll.

nag-lunch break yung mga teachers ng 1 pm. linipad yung accomplished nyang upcat form. naapakan ko ng bahagya. kakaulan lang nung panahon na yun. kumuha ako ng eraser ng lapis at binura yung dumi. grabe pala talaga pag desperado na yung tao, lahat gagawin.

eto ngayon yung itsura nung mga papeles nung kaibigan ko. yung enrollment form niya, de-lapis ang sulat, pati pirma. yun namang upcat application form, maraming bura at mali, may onting dumi pa. yung mga pirma ng guardian, syempre naka-forge kasi wala naman siyang kasamang guardian. tapos kailangan pa niyang magpakuha ng 2x2 picture. ang tagal rin niya mag-enroll, pa-star kasi yung mga teachers. pero okey lang. naayos naman.

hindi na niya kailangan yung uniform nun. paglabas namin ulit ng cr balik na ako sa dati.

ang nakakatuwa dyan, enrollment pa lang yan.

deja vu...?

2005-06-06T20:15:00.000+08:00

tanghali na. pag bakasyon nga naman, kahit anong oras ang gising, tama?

depende yun... sa kung pano ka gigising. at sa kung sino ang gigising sayo.

tulad na lang kanina. sa pagkakataong ito nanay ko ang bumulabog sa akin sa kama. sabi niya mamimili daw ako ng grocery sa cherry. tapos bigla niyang kinuha yung cellphone ko na lagi kong katabi pag natutulog.

minsan, dalawang pagkakamali lang ang kailangan para mabulgar lahat ng sikreto mo.sa sitwasyong ito, yung una ay ang pagpapabaya ng mga gamit sa kung saan-saan lang... at hindi tinatago sa tamang kinalalagyan. tulad ng cellphone ko. dapat nasa ilalim ng unan ko yun.

ikalawa - kung ano ang magiging reaksyon mo sa mga maaaring mangyari... kasi, nang kunin ni nanay ang cellphone, bigla akong bumangon at sinubukang kunin ang bagay na nasa kamay nya.

"wag! wag! teka, akin na muna yan!" sigaw ko habang hinahabol ko siya. "pramis, sandali lang!!"

"naku, may laman to, basahin ko ng- aray! masakit!" sabi ni inay, sa higpit ng hawak ko sa cellphone at sa kamay niya.

hindi ko nakuha sa kanya. mamaya-maya lang nabasa na niya yung buong inbox nun.

"ikaw ha... gusto ko tanggalin mo yan lahat mamaya. sino ba yan?"

"...kaibigan ko po." bigla akong napangiti, di alam ang dahilan.

"sige sabi mo eh. may girlfriend ka na ba? yung totoo ha."

"wala po."

"talaga? ano to, liniligawan mo? o liniligawan ka?"

"hindi... kaibigan lang talaga."

"sige. mamayang gabi mo na ito makukuha."

pagkatapos noon napahinga ako ng malalim, at nagpasalamat na yun lamang ang nangyari. kaya pala niya kinuha yung cellphone kasi isa-save nya sa outbox yung mga kailangan kong bilin. kay tanga ko talaga no?

ayun. pinapunta ako sa cherry. pero wala sa akin yung cellphone.

kasi naman, ayaw kong sabihan ng sikreto yung mga magulang ko. eto napala ko. siguro, yun na ang huling pagkakataon na wala sa ilalim ng unan ang cellphone ko.

hay... katawa-tawa naman, di pa rin ako natututo... dalawang beses na kasi ito nangyari saken... siguro nga dapat may sabihan na akong iba ng mga sikreto ko...

yung mga messages? nasa inbox ko pa rin. pasaway ako no?

research(er's) ranting

2005-06-06T20:11:00.000+08:00

ah, research - the hope of the country's future, commonly said by ap teachers.. a subject which demands a hell lot of your time (inclusive of vacation) in order to produce an organized stack of papers containing information about some new invention and an actual product, of course. a compulsory project for one who wants to graduate from a four-year high school course.

do i need to elaborate?

first, i get a call from the group leader, telling me to go to school to help work on the project. the next morning we were briefed on what was the project all about - basically about a exquisitely delicious mollusk, named abalone, in which we try to extract an antibacterial substance. we were supervised by a teacher who we first met back at our research defense - apparently he was acquired by the principal. hours later we had to travel an hour to a dost laboratory (as part of the project has been done already.) then we head back to school, and eventually home. what my parents only knew was the project refresher course, nothing else. all for a day's worth.

next day i was tasked to prepare materials in the school's chemistry lab for further use. then i was sent out to but six kilograms of calcium chloride, to be used for lyophilization (a complicated process, of course), alone. and the place is nowhere near the school, a chemical shop called alyson's. not knowing really where to go, i was forced to walk half of araneta avenue, arrived at a glori's store - part of the teacher's instruction. and i was not looking for the place yet... strategically near a four-way intersection, i had to walk on all four ways before i found out where it really was located - which was pointing back to where i started. and another thing, this place really isn't that noticeable. good thing on the way back i was able to take a jeep - mind you, six kilograms of powder is not light package. we departed from school about 11 am, i got back three hours later. also instructed to do some homogenization thing, i had to prepare the materials in the chemistry lab, a school length's walk from the principal's office, where most of the essentials were. ruefully i had to make about seven trips back and forth to transfer all the materials (i was still alone) which included a full five-gallon container of deionized water, two chemical reagents and a whole lot of expensive lab glassware. next thing to do was preparing the specimen for the process, in which i performed an actual mutilation of the frozen mollusks. good thing only was that the teacher told me thru text that i wasn't supposed to homogenize yet, which saved a lot of time. and i haven't cleaned that laboratory yet, still covered all around with dust. guys, it's just day 2...

a week later, after a brief absence due to family matters, we went to up diliman to meet a dr. montano who knew a lot about - well, a lot. the number of students in that so-called building was twelve, all responding to grueling research duty's call. later we also passed through up's marine science institute (i believe some of the equipment we need were there...) before we dispersed into different directions, we (i and the leader) had to go to another research facility down south in alabang to do some processing. upon arriving we found out that the substance is not yet ready for use and has to wait for a day. so three hours of travel and a hunder pesos of transportation fare torn to shreds. we also learned that the teacher knew about the substance's current status because of his contact there in the lab, so he could have told us, and spare us the trouble, right? then the school camera was handed to me, to be delivered to a drop-zone where a student (actually a classmate) will be waiting. unfortunately, there was no drop zone and my classmate seemed to be nowhere.

maybe you should know more about the teacher. we first met him during our last research defense, as he was one of three... er, torturers. during our defense the other two walked out, leaving him alone to rant about certain errors in the paper and a whole lot of suggestions and telephone numbers. next thing we knew, he was our consultant for the whole thing. later we found out that he was going to be our research teacher for the coming school year. a bit tall and plump, the guy is quite grumpy, a word which i exceptionally find befitting for his personality. believe me, it's all in the eyes (and the big round eyebags as well). has a strange work ethic too; occasionally the guy tells you to arrive seven o'clock am at school, then shows up there two hours later, and of course you wait that long because you simply don't know what to do... and you'll have to wait for him no matter what. he likes to do that, say... and he seemingly enjoys directing people to go somewhere for something while the clueless student asks for clear directions regarding how to go there - which he rarely does (based on experience..) basically he wants us to prioritize research over anything else, and when i say anything, i mean ANYTHING, like your house or your upcat review. during one of his rant sessions he asked us "am i demanding?" and all of us out there were baring our teeth from saying "hell yes!" until someone said "sir it's part of the job..." which settled things...

hey, is this entry long? i haven't written nothing yet... and i'll continue doing so when the research paperwork is done, so to speak. as the research buff says, priorities first...

sigh...

2005-06-06T19:54:00.000+08:00

kay lamig talaga ng hangin sa taas. ang sarap, yung makaramdam ng pagtakas mula sa init ng panahon kahit sandali lang... nakaupo lang sa isang sanga, nakasandal sa matikas na tangkay ng punong mangga.. sinasalubong ang sampal ng malakas na hangin sa aking mukha...

sa kabila ng lahat, ang mga mata'y nanatiling tulala pataas sa langit... pinagninilayan ang isang bagay na tila napakalalim at napakabigat...

"haaay..." nasabi ko na lang bigla, sabay ang mabigat na paghinga na galing sa kaloob-looban.

sino na naman kaya yang iniisip mo ha? babae na naman?

ayan na naman yung konsensya ko, bumanat na naman. "hindi, wala to..." ano ka ba, alam ko yung iniisip mo... tama ako diba?

"sige na nga. tama ka." o bakit ganyan ka magdrama? sino ba yan kasi?

"akala ko ba alam mo ang nasa isip ko? ikaw ang magsabi-" gusto mo sabihin ko kung sino?

"hay nako wag na."

namimiss mo na ba siya?

....

o ba't di ka makasagot?

"pwede ba, tigilan mo muna ako?"

pano yun? eh sinasabi ko lang naman ano ang iniisip mo ngayon ha?

"..haaay..."

'haaay...' namimiss mo na talaga siya ano.... "oo na..."

ba't di mo tawagan? i-text? o sulatan mo kaya? "ayoko eh."

"ayaw mo? diba namimiss mo siya?

"oo." eh.. bakit ayaw mo?....ano, nahihiya ka? di ka naman ganyan ka-torpe dati ha!!!

"ha? hindi ano! kaya kong gawin yun. wala akong dahilan para mahiya sa kanya... kaso..." kaso ano?

"hindi ko alam eh." hindi raw alam. gusto mo sabihin ko sayo?

"wag na. sa ating dalawa na lang yun, ha?" sige na nga. so ganito pala... namimiss mo siya, pero ayaw mo siyang makausap. anong plano mong gawin?

"wala."

wala? di ka ba nasasaktan dyan sa mga ginagawa mo? "nasasaktan. bakit?" ayun naman pala eh.

"pero nabuhay na naman ako para masaktan, diba?" sino nagsabi sayo nyan?

"ako."

...bahala ka. pag di mo kinaya yan...

"bahala na." pero isipin mo na lang ito... di kaya nakakasakit ka rin sa ginagawa mo?

"ha? bakit naman? eh dinaramdam ko na nga lang ito sa sarili ko para wala nang madamay.. diba?" gaano katagal mo na siyang hindi pinapansin?

"... malay ko. ano bang gusto mong palabasin?"isipin mo na lang, di kaya namimiss ka na rin nun?

"ewan ko.. hindi naman siguro... marami ring iniisip yung taong yun, gaya ng iba.. diba?"

sige. tingin mo bakit nya sinabi sayo na namimi-

"pwede ba wag mo nang ipaalala yan, ha?" teka, ikaw nag-isip nyan, sinasabi ko lang sayo...

"...haaay. ayoko pa ring maniwala." hoy bata, tandaan mo di lang ako ang nagsabi sayo nito. pati mga kaibigan mo.

"oo nga. pero hindi ako naniniwala. pasensya na, ayoko talagang umasa sa mga ganyan."

...kung hindi ka umaasa, bakit minamahal mo pa rin yan? tsaka wag ka na mahiya. kiligin ka naman.. yiihee.. ngingiti na yan o!

"nako. ganyan din mga kaibigan ko eh, parang ikaw... di ko alam, pero di talaga ako kinikilig ehh..."

manhid ka pala.

"ano?"

manhid ka. walang pakiramdam.

"pano ako naging manhid eh puro sakit na nga lang tinanggap ko diba?"

aba. '...nabuhay na naman ako para masaktan...' yan sabi mo kanina diba? di kaya nasanay ka na sa sakit, kaya nagkakaganyan ka ngayon...

"pero nasasaktan pa rin ako." sabi mo eh. bahala ka. maniwala ka na lang sa akin, namimiss ka na nun.

"ganun ba? ewan ko. ayoko pa rin maniwala."

oo nga pala, bakit mo ba di kinakausap yun? di ka naman ganyan ha.

"nahihiya ako dun sa tao eh."

natotorpe ka????

"hindi nga eh. nahihiya ako. magkaiba yun." ang gulo mo talaga. sabi mo lang kanina wala kang dahilan para mahiya sa kanya.

"ewan ko. ayoko lang sayangin yung oras niya dahil sa pakikipagusap saken.... sabihin mo namang tama ako, kahit minsan lang!" sabagay. tama ka... pero, wag naman kasi parang di kayo magkakilala.. ang gulo mo talaga...

"ano ba... napagusapan na namin ito.. nagdaan na... bakit mo ba pinapaalala?" kasi inaalala mo eh! ilang beses ko bang dapat sabihin sayo?....ayan ka na naman eh. ganito kasi... kung mahal mo yung tao, ipakita mo....

"bakit pa? kitang kita na naman yung ginagawa ko diba? di niya lang napapansin kasi hindi halata... dahil ganito talaga..."

teka. ano bang ginagawa mo?

"ano pa? sige, sabihin mo nang corny ako o kung ano, pero kung mahal mo yung tao kailangan mong ibigay sa kanya ano yung mahalaga para sa taong yun... naiintindihan mo na ba ako?"

malapit na. isang tanong na lang... hindi ka ba kasama dun sa mga 'mahahalaga' na yun, tingin mo?

"hindi ko alam... pero marami pang mas mahalagang bagay para sa kanya kaysa sa akin..."

hay. ibang klase ka talaga. "ganun ba..." oo... sa kagaganyan mo, kung sakaling dumating yung panahon na mapamahal yung tao sayo hindi mo mararamdaman yun dahil akala mo sinasaktan ka niya... tama ba?

"para naman kasing mangyayari yun diba? ayoko talagang umasa eh."

ayaw? o hindi ka umaasa pero gusto mo talaga...

"ang pangit naman kasi kung puro 'sana' lang yung iniisip mo eh, kung ganyan lang din, edi wag na lang..." teka. di mo pa sinasagot tanong ko.

"pwede bang hindi ko na sagutin yang tanong mo?"

bahala ka. alam ko rin naman yung sagot eh. hanggang dito na lang ako.....

bog! may bumagsak na bunga sa bubong. sa gulat ko nadulas ako ng bahagya, dumaplis sa isang sanga yung kanang binti ko sa may bandang tuhod, at ilang sandaling makalipas pulang pula na sa dugo na ang mahabang marka na kung saan dumaan ang sanga.

"... hay... sana lang talaga..."

breathing... and a book.

2005-06-06T19:52:00.000+08:00

dealing with insomnia can be one's worst nightmare.

you know, when you don't feel the need for sleep, but actually needing it. aside from that, it adds to your eyebag woes. if you'd only see how deep-set my eyes are five days since i've been going through this.

blame it all on the heat, or my awkward sleeping position. or maybe the thick clothes, or the hard pillows. or even the unnecessary blanket, or the fan which can't produce much air. i just can't sleep.

or maybe i can't sleep because my breathing is erratic since. if you didn't know up to now, i've been plagued by asthma since birth. though it rarely affects me since when i was on diapers, it almost regularly returns during the summer period. but believe me, this is an all-time low for me. i do have a nebulizer; however, this still is no insomnia remedy.

that's when i almost gave up on that sleeping problem. i started reading a book using little light from my cell phone. the book seemed interesting; i wanted more light, but without disturbing my peacefully sleeping brothers (we were sharing the same room) and my parents (no doubt they'd wake up if a fluorescent lamp was shining beside their room for an hour). five seconds later i was removing cellphone covers and playing snake 2 (not actually playing, just letting the program run) on my phone, lights (perpetually?) on. clearly without the covers the thing was transparent, thus allowing more light to illuminate. [hah! i'm a genius, ain't i? kidding... (",)]
it seemed to work, because later my eyes were drooping due to stress. eventually i shut the book, returned my cellphone to order, lied down, and sandwiched my head between two pillows to make sure my eyes were encompassed with complete darkness.

about three minutes later i was up again. as a last recourse, i dismantled the battered phone again (which was gasping for battery charge), sat on my desk, took my pen, hackled some paper out...

ladies and gentlemen, this is the very product of that night.

*wheeze.. wheeze..* there goes my lungs gasping. so long for now.. i'll need a dose of sterilized air - somewhat effective for insomnia too... good night.

*snap* lights out: 3:57 am.

hello??

2005-06-06T19:44:00.000+08:00

sheesh. one-third of vacation had passed.

and here i lie in the sofa, listening to the radio, doing nothing, absolutely nothing at all... waiting for that signature beep of the cellphone, or even a rare phone call...

which did not come.

was this how harry potter felt in book 2, when half of vacation had passed and no letter or owl came to him from his friends, from the world which he came to know, and which he loved? [and... cut!] my point is, they've forgotten me. completely. or, no - of course they're busy... in contrast, i'm doing nothing at all.

the phone rang, and i rushed immediately to the spot - "hello?"

"um, pwede po makausap si michael?" the caller's mild voice replied. "sandali lang ha..."
good for my brother. oh how lucky he is...

after their brief conversation and li'l bro put down the phone i decided to go online, hoping someone else is...

"dialing #######" flashed on the screen, followed immediately by "error ###: the phone line is busy." wanting to solve the problem, i picked up the handset, and a blank silence resounded from inside.

and then i remembered: a day ago the line was cut from outgoing calls.

sheesh. two-thirds of vacation still to pass.

my cellphone beeped. out of nowhere a slight grin pursed out of my lips.

blue pages

2005-06-06T19:39:00.000+08:00

recalling the past really can knock you back to your senses; but chances are it will make you want to bang your head into solid ground.

earlier this day i had visited my previous blog and read, scanned, rescanned and toured the site to the dot. the next moment i was on the verge of breaking out to gales of laughter, even tears, maybe. it was like a whopping right on my nape; a realization of how stupid and naive i just was.

questions came buzzing around my mind, like "why, oh why did i close this thing?" and "am i really that childish and naive, writing stuff like that?" or "did i do the right thing?"... but "can i change myself after all those blunders?"

i suppose i can... and i hope so.

now, enough of the drama. good day to all.

(35) silent night[s]

2005-06-06T19:32:00.000+08:00

ahh.. at long last, i'm back.

due to certain malfunctioning devices and a series of unfortunate events, i have been prevented from updating this.. thing for about... 35 days. and believe it or not, a whole lot of things happened during this span of time... a most unlikely event in my otherwise boring life.

nevertheless i tried going with old grandpa clock's fast pace and i was able to write and remember such events, but i must apologize if some details will be in error or be forgotten, being human, my memory's capacity still has limitations.

because i haven't updated till now, you must know that those entries have already passed for at least a month's period and was not written on the date it was published on the site.

good news is, at least i can update again as the classes resume, which is quite fabulous...

i hope you will appreciate all these, and... sorry for the inconvenience.

the writer.

an entry of miscellany.

2005-04-29T09:54:00.000+08:00

birthday countdown: 57 days, 8 hours, 50 minutes. (note: only an approximation)

time management: it's not unusual, but i'm spending about... eight hours in front of this 14-inch monitor because i don't think it's gonna make me an anti-social. (",) add ten hours of sleep, all the other things i do are jampacked and condensed into the remaining six hours, making it a regular 24-hour day.

yahoo! messenger: username - psychotie. status - online. number of total contacts - 100. contacts online - 4. contacts on sms - 3. contact online - yahoo! helper.

cellphone: the usual. the world seemingly forgot me now. total inbox memory - 45 msgs. inbox messages - 43. maximum number of contacts - 250. number of contacts - 183. contacts which can be seen in my inbox - one.

summer job: currently on hold. i just finished a typing job earlier, garnering 100 pesos in the process.

money: twenty pesos left.

internet card: isp reloaded, 30 hours. cost - 100 pesos. bandwidth - 54.6 kb/s. status - connected.

eye status: in stress. glasses - one lens cracked, frame distorted. eyebags - deep.

reading paraphernalia: with nothing to do, i read a lot. just finished 'the negotiator' by frederick forsyth. next book: the deceiver, frederic forsyth. newspaper: the philippine star. sections read - front page, world, sports, comics.

websites visited: guitar tabs, yahoo! mail, yahoo! sports, NBA, google, hotmail, gfxartist, tickle, blogger, my first blog, this blog.

guitar: one lost string, the shrill e string in particular. last song plucked - broken sonnet, hale.

people currently at home: me alone.

baths taken per day: three at the minimum.

hair status: neat. last haircut - yesterday. style of haircut - army 2x3. it reminded me of a time when they said i looked like some teacher. last shave - after my first bath today. scratches acquired - two, near the lip.

food: trips to the fridge - 4, as of now. snack times per day - 5. meals per day - 3. eating places - in front of the computer, in the sofa near the tv. glasses of milk per day - 3. tumblers of water per day - 3. most common comestibles - nesvita cereal drink, chips delight, polvoron, fruit candy, toast bread with butter and jam. weight - 103 pounds.

programs open: notepad, norton, yahoo! messenger, mirc, mozilla firefox, windows media player. computer memory - 15.6 gigabytes free.

music: current song - especially for you, mymp

television: cartoons - in channel 9, they've been showing the same edition of spongebob squarepants 3 days already. anything else? - just waiting for the nba finals. and amazing race 7 is quite fun too.

mental status: in chaos. iq level - above average (weh?). einstein's iq quiz - solved!!! (wehh??)

physical status: no change. (see food). last sport played - basketball.

errands: pending - pay bill at bayantel and pldt, register sky internet service, buy a few things for lunch. done - none.

purpose for writing the things written here: (info-pop!) because you need to know. kidding aside, nothing in particular. (",)

duration of time that passed by in writing the whole thing: 33 minutes.

my first picture in this blog.

2005-04-27T16:31:00.000+08:00

that'd pass for a piece of art, right? please forgive 'us' for the irregularities and notable errors shown in the picture.

of course, this artwork flourished under the influence of boredom (and i hope you've noticed.) software used? yahoo messenger's doodle board. nice, eh? and special thanks to this person for largely contributing to this masterpiece. *hehehe.*

anyway, questions regarding to who (someone told me it was me) or what is happening in the picture (which is quite blurry to me) cannot be answered by the creators. and forgive me if i'm not making any sense.

what for? nah... because i've nothing in mind. period.

reading this is not a waste of time. (",)

2005-04-26T18:29:00.000+08:00

oh.. so we're talking to each other again... talking about what?

yeah, i know, i'm not making any sense, but to be honest... i don't have anything to tell you right now. whaddya think, do i? it seems like i've told you everything you need to know. that's right... everything.

or... do you have something in mind? then go ahead and ask me - and i'll answer you in the best way i can. until then... i'll be silent on you.

maybe, i should tell you what i've told you before... would that still makes sense? i could only wonder, what the answer might be... but maybe i should - just for a change...

i love you... and i'm not letting go... not just... yet.

i hope i've said it enough.... for now.

anyway, if you ever get to read this... (you're supposed to know who you are, right?) i'd just want you to understand that i'm not ignoring you; it's just a matter of what to say, and up to now i don't have anything in mind, or else i'd be known for relentless redundancy, in other words a sheer waste of your time. you wouldn't like it, i suppose... (tell me if i'm wrong...)

and... i'm sorry.

that's all i have left.

my own prison.**

2005-04-20T21:23:00.000+08:00

[read the ** below the main text first, if you will please. thank you.]

bah... vacation. at first mention of the word i think of the outside skies with the sun glowering in its midst... white sand beaches... the cool shade of makopa trees... a large hammock pinned between two tree-trunks, and a cool, mild blowing breeze slapping smack to my face.

but then guys, my parents prove me wrong - again.

the first day of my 'vacation' period started two-thirty in the afternoon. eight hours earlier i was shook awake by dear father to chaperon *<- take note* my young brothers to their swimming class. why me? because. 'ayoko nga eh...' i stammered as i boldly confronted my 180-pound dad, staring right in his eyes. he sternly shot back and said 'it's not a matter of what you want or you do not want. you only obey.' ha! it took me a few moments to swallow what he said, but i conceded to join them in the dining table.

not a matter of what i want, eh? so my able parents took my rights. in a few moments i felt like going down from family heir to 'heralded' servant-slave. they better take that back. they better.

so... here is a final draft of my parents' proposed 'vacation' schedule (excluding weekends), effective april 20, 2005:

april 20 - 22 : chaperon my brothers to swimming class
april 25 - may 20 : start of whole-day cat review sessions
may 23 - 27 : enrollment week
may 31 - june 3 : work as part-time secretary for a developing isp company

well? there are still some good points exposed here.

a) allowance during vacation (salary?) : yeah, i'll be needing the money. for what? someday i'll know.
b) liberty outside the gate : at least i get to see the world outside the house walls and gates.
c) i get not to see my parents five days a week, half-day

i'd expect someone of you hit me hard in the back and knock me back to my senses. i might need that, and whoever does so will receive my greatest thanks. however, i will not tolerate anyone taking away my right over my life. i'd rather be a rebel fighting for my freedom that a slave rotting away in a dark room - not even my parents. i'm no anti-social guy, and i'm just about to prove that.

----

**note: this is pure fiction, besides the schedule; the other texts are only an exaggeration of a very minor frustration of the scriptwriter here. hope you'd understand that most writers in the past have served either as soldiers or bandits. :D peace out to all!!

at long last... an entry.

2005-04-19T20:43:00.000+08:00

uhmm... first of all... i'd like to apologize to all of you for not updating the site. the past days were heckuva loose-and-tight packed schedule, if you understand what i mean. at long last i've found spare time. thanks if you find this site worthwhile of your time...

the past two weeks... whew. i can't quite remember all that happened... generally uneventful, say.

anyway, within that span was an open forum, an intersection sportsfest, a national achievement test, a research defense, a texting barrage, recognition day, school clearance week, graduation, a good dose of secret-exposures, and the release of report cards (and class pictures).

doesn't seem uneventful, right? but it was two weeks ago, see... or, maybe, i'm just a lifeless and boring person. much better. [i'll just detail the events, ok?]

open forum: this happened april 1, if i remember it right. took place in the vicinity of the 'library' in the second floor of mathay 1 bldg... say, a lot was said and heard. i don't know, but seeing some of my friends cry doesn't move me to shed tears... boys don't cry, do they? i'm still a boy. i believe from this point on some people turned the cold shoulder on me (or i thought they did.. whatever.) anyway, forgive me guys... i'm really sorry.

sportsfest: a day and a half of sports events organized and participated upon by third year students. game events: basketball, volleyball, badminton, and alupihan (bamboostick racing..)... i played basketball (twice) and volleyball (once) and watched the rest of the way... was a success, i suppose, if not curtailed by another sportsfest (held by 4th years) and a tedious schedule. basketbal: first game - avogadro (us, who else?) vs. fleming; and we escaped them by a mere 4 points; final score: 41-37, avo. second game - avo vs. curie; without a single cheerer for our team, we were steamrollered after 16 minutes, then regained composure, but ended 25-21 for curie, as they went up to the finals. volleyball: first game - avo vs. fleming; i was not much of a factor that game (as if i knew how to play.. duh!), and we lost, 2 sets to nil. second game - avo vs. edison; we matched better this time, but still lost, 2 sets to 1. lastly, we ended up runner up for karera ng alupihan. :D

nsat: april 7. up to know i don't understand why they hold aptitude tests. i mean, why do they need to know what we have learned? why can't these dep-ed guys just search the bulk of test papers which the school has in possession? won't that be enough? what if we just forgot? do they think we're uncapable and naive? that's downright stupid and a mere waste of time for me. tell me if i'm wrong...

research defense: a most unlikely event staged by our not-so-dear principal, ms.(?) cavo.. three highly regarded interrogators were invited and allowed to torture us poor students. (kidding aside..) it lasted for 2 days; we were the last defendants on the first day :), group #20 to be precise. we did our parts anyway, and we had ourselves a consultant. much was achieved, in my perspective, thanks to our very able consultant, granted the principal's permission [and favor, more likely.. hehehe] (who's now inviting us to palawan or taal lake for specimen-hunting).

'unlimited' texting: yes, the latest fad. this mania started two weeks before (not sure), and had just ended recently, promo released by smart telecommunications, inc. free texting for all smart subscribers, for a limited time that is. i had my part there, anyway, and in turn jammed my inbox memory. during these days, i was somewhat down to earth for some reasons... :(

recognition day: do i have to put it here? well, we (including two friends) were tasked by our first-year adviser mrs. bael to help in the furnishing of certificates. and for a week we spent countless hours typing those awards, fully aware that after all these we might be able to abuse the high-speed dsl internet connection installed in those computers. we were successful in doing that, say.school clearance 'week': was it a week? actually it lasted for 2-3 days, to be precise (in my case, that is.) we were handed out pink forms which were supposed to be filled up with teachers' autographs. not special memorabilia, however, but required for the issuance of report cards, essential to your survival in qcshs, they say. (really...?)

graduation: the sad event was held on crossroads. why there, due to parents' pleas of exasperation because of the scorching heat, they say, but in reality was fully unnecessary... which resulted to the early closure of the school grounds (around 7:30). that whole day we were roaming shoemart. a thing which bothered me was the fact that... we're next. get my point? dunno, but there was something striking in me wearing the school uniform. weird.

release of cards: day 1... the original timestamp, april 18 was supposed to be my last day before a week-long vacation (6 days, perhaps..) but a transport strike was performed by those bastard jeepney drivers, holding a lot of people stranded to right where they were, which happened to include our adviser who had our report cards. she wasn't able to reach school, but i was already there waiting for nothing. good thing was that some classmates of mine were there too... and mind you, i arrived at school 6:57 am, making me the first third year to reach school grounds. it might not be a great feat for you guys, but for individuals who acquire twenty-seven tardy marks annually, it's a milestone. anyway, i stayed at school for a good record of ten hours twenty-five minutes. during this fruitless period i waited for my friends get their clearance and, fortunate for them, their cards. about noon, when we were in the covered court, a dear senior friend took a picture of me (against my wishes... joke!)... if you might not know, i have a 'phobia' for cameras... but everything's all right. in return i asked for her picture (okay, she's a she) which was fine with her.. i hope. and mind you, that girl's stunningly pretty... (hehehe! seriously.)... later that day someone tampered with my inbox... immediately gaining access to classified personal information, but that was all right too. at least i've got someone who i can share secrets now. while that someone was doing that, a boisterous friend of mine unleashed another expose of my now-not-hidden secrets in the open area (we were still in the covered court). dunno, i felt lost and happy that time, a painful tickle, something like that... and, before i forget, i didn't eat anything for the most part of day 1 except two coke floats. while i was slurping the comestible up (with my friend) i met a cute girl wearing a pink shirt. i felt my eyes meet her glance, quickly hoped she didn't notice (for i thought i was falling into something... deep..) and calmly walked past her. my friend tapped me in the shoulder and whispered 'why are you blushing...?' something like that... i could only hope that she didn't take notice, if what my friend was saying was for real... after a half-day's done, i headed home. the strike was in effect, and they did it well, because it made me ride the tricycle home, costing me 20 pesos - about a dozen more than the usual jeepney fare. yet, the real objective for the day wasn't achieved, and i had to return the next day.... day 2... that would be this day, only earlier. before heading to school i had to go with my younger (not smaller) brothers to their swimming class. i did nothing, anyway, but laugh at my siblings' mistakes (uncharacteristic of a brother, eh?) for i had nothing to do... on the way back i squared off with an mmda officer, who cursed me for an indeliberate infraction of crossing the road; he challenged me to take his place as an enforcer of the traffic... i only shot back at him saying that the idea would be better, for he was causing the traffic to worsen... and to think that my brothers were with me... not a good example, i really am. at least i had their confidence that they won't tell my parents about the incident... hehehe. and so i went straight to school. when i arrived most of them already got their cards. our adviser, however, was inside the school's conference hall attending a seminar, so we had to wait for her... which took an hour's toll. nothing much happened, anyway. not all my classmates were there, however, as they were attending their respective reviews for upcoming college admission tests. day's done, i walk alone... and go home.

so... that does it for today. i hope i've kept you guys updated and back in track... and i'm very sorry if the whole thing's very lengthly... entries classified as 'mushy' would come later in the long run.... hehehe! thanks guyz for your time and God bless to all...

...now what?

2005-04-19T18:34:00.000+08:00

oh, so i've got a new blog here. welcome... to be honest with you guys... i don't have anything in mind to pin down here. and i'm really sorry. i can only hope that sometime later something comes to my overwrought psyche. thanks for your kind consideration.

what is this?a sequel? nah... more like a never ending cycle... of the young guy who was foolish enough to keep himself from talking... and of how he tries to say what he means... but, up to now...
to no avail.

i know - it doesn't really make any sense, not at all.
and please, don't expect anything sensible, now. (",)