a writer, eh? not really. but why? because i'm a hopeless romantic. taunt me. laugh like the hyena. do the hokey-pokey. pounce on me. tell me how hopeless i am... real hopeless. go ahead. that's fine with me...
or share some pity and feel my pain. isn't that him, the dying martyr? oh, the poor chap. look at his frail limbs and fragile soul. but no, no. you'd never say that.
because i'm just a freakin' writer who no one cares about.. do tell me if i'm wrong, huh. not that i care.
did you hear me?
ace | adam | anna | ate airuz | ate aleth | ate anna | ate kimie | ate kris | ate lorine | ate norai | ate patit | bricci | cynthia | dana | desa | dina | gelynne | gerald | graziella | hazel | jaimee | jamie | janica | jason | jenny | justin | kathy | kuya dean | kuya james | kyreen | larz | m.a.j.i.k. | macy | marella | miles | phimie | raphael | rhio | pikselot | swastika | toki | yeye/valen
speak up...
past notes
April 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
credits
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five years ago, i would glare at my friends everytime they taunt me whenever she passes by. i would bow my head, cover my ears, sit in a corner, and ignore all those jeers. i would blush a deep shade of crimson everytime our eyes meet. i would be avoiding her like some contagious lunatic.
i would be like that - a pessimist lover, as they call it; the one who has a thousand senseless reasons to say when asked "why do you love someone?" not that i could really say that "i loved her"... maybe i don't; maybe it's infatuation, or worse, obssession. maybe love was just a game to me. maybe i did not really know what love is.
that was five years ago.
since then i've changed, no thanks to the many faces and places i've encountered. since then i've to become a whole new someone barely distinguishable from that little kid five years ago.
and now... i know. i've learned. i've understood. i suddenly realize that love is something much deeper than what it seems to be. it's not a simple game where someone wins by a mile and someone loses his dignity. it cannot be judged by a thousand senseless reasons; in fact, technically you don't have a reason for loving someone... and it's definitely not a case of mere obssession or sheer infatuation or anything like that. it could only be, at best, a tiny fragment of the big picture.
since then i've learned how to love. to love through hurting and pain. to give, yet not to receive. to stand strong through tear-flooded eyes. to realize when enough really is enough. to hold on. to let go. to forgive and forget. to move on... to accept the fact that if you weren't meant to be, it's just as is. to find someone else, and hope that you'll get something better in return. to face the truth (yeah, face it guys and girls!) that this is what really happens, until you meet the person of your dreams.
*sigh.* all said and done, that's how it is... for now. who knows, five years later, things might change, take a turn for better... or for worse.
hi guys... hmmm.... it's been a week since last, if my memory serves me right.
and of course, a lot of events can fit into such a week. in summary, this is what happened, from last sunday to now. apologies to everyone, but i don't have the time for a long entry these days. it's quite... understandable, right? thanks.
during the past week, we finished a soft copy of our project in chemistry (a magazine all about *??* chemistry, of course!), practiced and performed for the annual linggo ng wika, participated (or at least present) in an open forum which consisted of two sections (supposedly a handful of persons... *peace guys!*), and tried to worm out an honest confession from a terror teacher regarding her untolerable behavior and mood swings (sorry, ma'am).
personally, i tried to fit in all these. also, i went through the worst "bad hair week" ever in my high school life, with the endless taunts i endured because i gave someone a bouquet of roses (big deal!!!!). in short, i was just not... myself, including the fact that i was only late thrice this week (partly because of being reprimanded by our english-first subject teacher).
i was also able to read four (yes, four!) long novels this week, and i'm still working on another one. and i cut down on my internet usage, just to add spice. (hallelujah! is that for real???) and oh... guess what, i've been taking notes in class in an orange filler, since the start of the second quarter.
and to end the festivites, here's a quote for everyone:
life is like a box of chocolates... you'll never know what you'll get.
as of now, i'm happily nibbling on a white peppermint choco bar. doesn't really taste good, but it will suit for the moment. hey, i know don't sound coherent or, if anything, rational. do forgive me - everything's unplanned, and i can do nothing about it. i'm very sorry.
maybe i'll never know what really hit me this week, but let's hope it's all only for once...
all these for a change??? oh, drop it, gab.
8:00, sunup. oh shoot, i'm gonna be late again. i wonder how many people will try to make the deadline.... never mind. gerald won't be there that early. i mean, duh... you know him. (peace to you my friend!)
i went down to the sala, where all my requirements lay - essays, forms, letters, and... where're the pictures? goodness, i think i lost the ID pics! and so began the frantic search for the missing IDs, scrutinizing every nook and cranny, but all in vain... at least until 8:30.
and oh yes, here we go again, the usual. I'M late again. at the quickest, i was able to arrange myself, take a jeep, and brisk walk to copytrade in one hour. with everything in place, i started my rush to mcdo carpark. round the corner i realized that i didn't have my wallet with me, and left it by the copier. so much for five minutes of backs and forths...
by nine-quarter i was all secured in mcdo. and not surprisingly, my friend was already there - at least half an hour ago.
so we made our journey to the jeepney stop and (of course!) took a jeep to UP. on the way we heard an old lady grumbling about camping trips and defective principals (most probably our principal?)
next stop was the katipunan terminal. on the way we met cj's mom, evidently going that way due to the same reason that we were.
moments later we were at the opposite side of the ateneo campus, walking towards an overpass with a blue-colored roof. (a special loyola request?) somewhere in the middle of the pass we saw three stray kids busying themselves over a brown leather wallet containing a few dollar bills (according to what i saw) and nothing else. (how and where will they use the dollars? i mean, do they know how??)
after crossing the highway, we entered the school and took a tricycle to xavier hall (also known as the administration building.) hey, the campus IS really big enough to accomodate a whole tricycle terminal daily....
on the way familiar faces showed up like one of my classmate's sister and a pack of other scientians [im]patiently waiting in line.
while waiting for our turn in the long queue, we met anna ehll, another classmate, who felt the need for tongue-twisting or something like that. she was quite talkative, anyway, so its usual that she inform me some trivial bits about the red shirt she was wearing. by the way, i was
wearing yellow, and gerald, blue. (anyone said Philippine flags?) the long line was quite tolerable for it gave me time to finish my application forms completely.
now here's how the process goes: first, the front man (named jez) will call your attention and designate to you a number. this number will be the counter where you will be accommodated by an enrollment committee staffer (mine was 8.) this is also where you submit your COMPLETED requirements.
if there is something lacking, you will be called again and be informed of...
...your ineligibility to take the test because of lacking documents. mwahaha!!!! no, i was just kidding. you will be told to return next week with the complete forms. simple as that may be, it only applies for the scholarship forms.
and make sure you have your pictures stapled. i didn't, so i had to enter the main admissions office and ask for staple wire. i even remember how violently my hands were shaking during that time. cool, huh?
anyway, after that you'll only have to wait for your name to be called, then you go to the counter, and voila! you're done after you take the test permit.
in our small group i was the last one to be called (because of the stapler delay.) it was 12:30 when we finished everything, and all of us needed to pass at least two scholarship requirements by august 26. (anyway, we did our best; our parents should take care of those.)
with nothing to do, we took the time for a little stroll, some walk in the park. and oh, ateneo was really THAT beautiful. the silence, the serenity, the de-stress posters (I have a colorful one in my envelope; they got dual-coloured ones. tee-hee...), the dominant GREEN grass, the clean pathways... it was possibly a student's Eden in my opinion.
walking out of the school grounds, i started thinking about my future again. and the question starts to hum again, time after time...
ateneo or up? blue or maroon? i'm sure gerald and anna and cj and many others are thinking about it.
follow the heart. and try to save money, guys... a friendly reminder from your everyday blogger. (",)
tomorrow, a friend of mine (and ours as well) will be leaving for the states. so from tomorrow thereon, life will be different, you know, not seeing a face which yesterday was there, and all that.
i tell you - i've had enough of these stuff. not because i want them to leave, or anything. it's just that i feel hurt whenever these things happen.
you'd say it's natural, that eventually we'll have to leave each other. yeah right. but it will leave a thorn in your hearts. believe me.
three times.... one in elementary, two in high school. what could come next?
you'll understand why i feel like these. it hurts a lot, everytime someone leaves you behind.
right?
however, we could only wish people like him well. God bless to you....
bulag. tanga. mapang-api. manhid.
sabi nila, ganyan ka raw.
bingi. mas tanga. nagpapaapi. martir.
ayan. ayan naman daw ako.
alam mo, tama sila. ikaw... kung bumanat, parang wala lang yung tao sa tabi-tabi. di maintindihan kung nagpaparinig ba o gustong manakit o nangiinis lang talaga. ako... parang timang na di umiimik. hambalos dito, hamablos doon, aba, walang pakialam. sabi nila, kailangan daw magbago na ako. nakakaawa na raw kasi. akala mo walang pakialam sa mundo, pero tignan mo ung mata o, naluluha na yata, pero nagpipigil pa rin.
sumbat dito nung isa, "kaya mo pa ba?" sa kabila naman, "okey ka lang?" si martir naman, sasagot, "oo, sanay na eh. ayos lang yan." diba, ang tikas ng dating? hindi.
alam mo, sa totoo lang, mahirap eh. mahirap yung sinasakal ka na, inaapakan, linalampaso sa isang sulok, pero mag-inarte na parang wala lang. mahirap yung hindi ka na nga makahinga, hindi ka na makabangon, pero hala sige, pabaya pa rin.
kaya tama nga talaga sila - kailangang magbago na ako.
pano ka naman ngayon?
wala naman. ayos nang ganyan ka. kasi sa totoo lang, kahit anong sabihin kong ititigil ko na ang kalokohang ito, babalik at babalik pa rin ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. bakit? dahil ikaw yan.
kung magbago ba ako, ibig sabihin ba nun di ka na mahalaga saken? magbabago ba ang pagtingin ko sayo? eh bulag nga ako diba? wala akong pakialam sa kung ano ka sa ibang tao. basta ganyan ka sa akin.
siguro nga, ganun ka na kahalaga. hindi ko mawari kung bakit, pero ganun na lang talaga. at siyempre, ayaw ko na malayo ako sa isang taong mahalaga sa akin diba? natural lang 'yon. intindihin mo na lang sana.
malabo ba ako? oo... pero sana... maintindihan mo. alam mo naman kasi kung bakit ako ganito sayo... c:
HaloScan commenting and tracking system has been activated in this site.
in other words, pwede na kayong mag-comment sa mga post ko. click nyo lang yung "link" sa baba ng bawat entry...
at long last. ang tagal kong naghanap ng feature na ganito....
so... voice out your opinions, say what you think... okey lang kung murahin nyo pa ako sa mga katangahan ko, maiintindihan ko yun, basta... speak up guys!!! (",)
*special thanks to ate kimie - pinirata ko lang kasi ito sa blogsite nya. salamat... hehe!!!*
click. screeeeech. HALT!
everything's gone waaaaaaaaaay too fast. i didn't realize that until NOW.
first, the periodical exam week. the exams (where i finished almost everything first, *damn research* and fast). then a whole lot of requirements for monday. and while you're working at it, here comes the filipino stuff - sabayang bigkas. what else, what else???
now's MY time to self-reflect. to slow down. relax, for just a few moments. try not to rush anything. inhale, exhale.... no panicking.
sleep tonight. and then wake up, try to do everything tomorrow. yeah, that's what i'd better do. no, that's the best i can do.
yehey. ayos na y!m ko... after 58 years! (waha, hiramin ko lng yung expression ha...)
onga pala, baka di nyo alam, nasira nga pala y!m ko... sorry di ko nasabi sa mga tao... na kaya ako laging napapa-offline kapag may nagmemessage sa akin...
tsk. anyway, ayos na siya. back to the normal life ulet... (",)
*ang iksi. badtrip!*
life is like a wheel; sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. ahh, one of the most common quotable quotes in the very large array of citable passages.
according to our economics teacher, there will always come a time when one will be in the "down" side of that wheel; the best one can do is how to prevent oneself from experiencing a major crash...
hopefully WE'LL be able to do that. no more questions asked. sorry... but this is an extremely sensitive matter. if you ever come to know of it, please hold your silence for our sakes. your cooperation will be extremely appeciated... (",)
does anyone really ever get a fever because of overstaying in the rain? i do hope not!!! because i just got home and... well, i walked in the rain again. however, this time i feel.... cold.
oh... forget it. i just forgot my umbrella.
uhmm... the fact is, it's REALLY cold out there. and it doesn't feel good.
and another thing: today was the second day of the periodicals; it consisted of chemistry and research. and, for once, i didn't finish a test first (research. damn.) which ends my record at four.
and i still feel like i flunked all five of them.
i just.. hope not.
success! for the first time in many tries this week i didn't come in late. duh, who would? i mean classes were supposed to start at eight! and thankfully, i'm not that delinquent. but i hope people won't take it as a surprise *like that tall english student teacher..* right?
first periodical exams made way today, with english, math, and ap, respectively. so how did i fare? my answer is.. fair quick. it had been natural of me to do things fast, especially tests like those... but today was quite different - i mean, i was just a step too quick for me to catch up with myself today, seemingly... and i feel like i failed all those three exams in a jiffy.
mind you, i didn't study anything. just slept my way the night before, woke up the next morning, and *flick* i was off to school with an empty swagger.
it was like doing things in record time. everything seemed like a breeze... however, in the wrong direction.
today i've made it three in one row - what can the morrow bring? (",)
maybe i should stop talking and start studying. what do you think?
shamefully stuttering stupid sentences since sunday sunshine.
making mysterious monday misery more melancholic.
turning telltale tuesday to truth trifles.
wednesday waning, world's wording way weirder.
thus that tolerance-toiling, thimble thumping thursday.
fearing friday fetters fall foolishly for frail fanatic.
saturday sun sets - said something saccharine?
*enjoy! (",)*
time flies like an arrow. fruit flies like a banana...
forget the punchline. i shouldn't be writing this anyway... i only came to think of it because some friends asked me about something related to it, and i told them that that was something i needed to self-reflect on.
i'm trying.
"bakit ka ba laging nala-late?" this girl asked.
i bit my lip. was that really a question? did i really need to answer that? my mind was scrambling for an answer... and it found nil. so what if i don't give an answer?
but still it seemed to matter. why, really, why? it turned out that i also didn't know.
but then again... so what?
and so the silence prevailed, once again, after thirty long seconds of pondering. but come to think of it... i really should think about it, right? i mean...
why would i be adjusting the clock one hour advanced if i don't make use of it? why am i wearing a watch in the first place? why did i enter an institution requiring people to be inside the grounds by this time, just to arrive an hour and quarter later? a lot of things won't make sense if i don't make a resolve. and that's how complicated life is...
better late than never. isn't that better? not really - it's like better not attend a major subject than not to attend school at all. if a certain thing's incomplete, does one utilize its full capability? indeed, no.
hey, wait - in the first place i shouldn't be the one talking about such and such and so and so. and you know why...
anyway, i gotta go. can't waste too much time on this. *yeah, and i'm still on my school clothes, and i haven't eaten dinner yet, and i haven't gone anywhere but the desktop since arriving home, and.... you get the point?*
oh dear...
[this is a direct chronological account recording all the "significant events" that made way from 6 am of saturday to 12 noon of sunday.]
30:00:00
oh please, it's saturday. give yourself some sleep. i shut my eyes; faster than you can say breakfast, they were open again.
damn. i need to relax. and this sleep problem's not helping.
nina, live! was jigging along at our neighbor's house. this early? and loud? oh shoot. did i remember you again? anyway, God bless. I love you.
still lying down, i kept on thinking about what could be happening during those moments at state university. and i felt.. oddly excited for them.
God bless to all of you. especially you... don't forget someone's thinking of you right NOW...
26:00:00
wow. did i say anything before about being too lax and complacent? well, here i am, reading "The Prophet" by Frank E. Peretti, making no concerted effort of grabbing that upcat reviewer beside me. mind you, the novel's that good.
two jeepney rides from here, some guy and girl is frantically thinking about the answer to item no. 135. some kid's eating his chocolate. some nerd broke his pencil. some poor chap was crying because he came in late, or worse, forgot his permit.
and there was i, lying at my ever present bed... wishing luck to all of you, silently praying...
20:00:00
now the second batch has revved up, most probably, while i'm eating my nestle crunch bar... and all i did was keep on thinking of you. am i losing my marbles?
17:00:00
my old man wants me to have my hair trimmed. owing to that, i feel like some boxhead.
14:00:00
now my heart's pumped up. and there's this sickly feeling of coldness, of high metabolism rates. at least some greetings warmed me up, as i recalled this lenghtly e-mail from her, a wish-you-well text from a she who supposedly was turning on the cold shoulder... and an opposite and equally cold shoulder from her. oh yeah, that's YOU girl.
13:00:00
before crashing into bed, i tried to prepare stuff for the big day - pencils, permits, IDs, nestle crunch, and a bottle of summit.
no watch. no time-tracking. or so i thought.
"gab, sayo ba itong relos na to?" said my mom, who was just rummaging into some junk.
i took a close look at what she just held - a white casio box, partially opened... and voila! the watch that i needed.
"opo, akin yan." i snatched the thing from her like some newfound illegal treasure.
a sudden rush of memory flooded into my thoughts. trusting my instincts, i took out the contents of the box, including the watch-holder... and lo, and behold... beneath was a blue note; in it a sentence was embedded, and four glistening letters spelling out a name.
it said... "wag ka nang magpapalate, ha? love you... kaye."
and the memories kept coming back...
11:00:00
gab, try to sleep. focus. set aside those pens and paper away... just for once. sleep now. NOW. PLEASE. please.... ZZZZ.
06:00:00
lub-dub. lub-dub. lub-dub. the beat rhythmically progressed, seemingly louder and louder from inside my chest. and my hands - were they freezing?
04:30:00
come on. eat something. you'll need it. grab that crunch bar. and stop doodling - you're wasting those precious pencils. try to keep yourself warm.
01:00:00
pocketing all the essentials, i brought myself to the back seat of our car. no, i didn't forget anything - everything's fine. i prayed that the traffic would be as fine too... but it wasn't. upon reaching philcoa, the car looked like it would run out of gas... due to the fact that the place was jampacked.
i tried to feel my hand. oh no, it wasn't there.... oh. there it is, slightly numb and cold. owe it to the scenery outside our windows: bumper to bumper traffic, that's what it was.
00:30:00
man. half an hour gone just trying to inch our way to the oblation mark. this is making me sick.
00:15:00
a hundred meters from palma hall, said my father. how long will this eternity last??? i motioned to lift that latch separating me from the outside, when my old man insisted not to. you'll get there when you get there, i tried to assure myself.
00:10:00
click. chug. i found myself facing the white facade of palma hall, my host for this year's upcat. i made my way up the three flights of stairs stride by stride, and triumphantly i entered the walls of the building... only to see a quite long queue of students here and round over there. stunning as it was...
"gab!" a familiar voice called from somewhere. turning around, i saw janine and reuben on the near side of the long line. "dito ka na."
breathing a sigh of relief, i joined the party.
00:05:00
this is your day, and you're the man. so better do good. and help me Lord!
a proctor asked for my test permit. i had it ready, no problem with that. everything would be fine...
as i stared outside the ledge of the second floor, i couldn't stop but think... and think... and think... of what could happen.
00:01:00
we entered room 216. i sat near the window. pencil in hand (and ear)... i started to feel a bit confident - the goosebumps were gone.
good luck to me.
00:00:00
aaaaaaaaand.. here we go!!!!
do not be late. do not forget your permit. bring chocolates and water. use not-too-sharp pencils. eliminate non-possible answers first. and remember, C-B-D-A. use stock knowledge. RELAX.
tips for the incoming test? quite a blur to me now... i'm in some disoriented state. heart pounding too hard. feeling sick and nauseous. hyperventilating. CRAMMING.
didn't i review anything?
whatever.
the test... won't be that hard. i hope.
God bless all.
yesterday i forget to bring my glasses and ballpen.
today i forget to bring with me something JUST a bit more important: my wallet.
oh dear, what's happening to me?
this can't be because of the upcoming examinations, right?
because if it is...
what if i forget to wake up by 9 at sunday?
what if i forget the fact that latecomers will not be allowed to take the test?
what if i forgot where the hell palma hall is?
what if i forgot where i placed my wallet, where the exam permit will be?
what if i forget that i will need pencils for the test?
what if i forgot to bring chocolates with me? and how about water?
what if i forgot everything i have learned in my four-year high school term? in the wink of an eye?
what if i forgot the time while having the test?
what if i failed it, and my friends passed? all of them?
hah. i'd better stop.
wish me luck.
shoot. my yahoo! messenger is in some chaos, not allowing me to talk to anyone. but maybe, oh i'm just damned, and everything will be fine when things have passed by.
upcat - the talk of the town, baby. the once jubilant corridors and rooms have been overcome by indefinite silence. even the most garrulous of people fell victim to this seeming spell.
who won't, anyway? the future - MY future - depends on these three remaining days, as ii haven't really studied yet. second by second precious time is lost.
and all i tried to do was fix this hopeless y!m thing.
at least i'm making progress - i'm sticking to my oath not to play cards during breaks until the weekend is over, or else i won't study science for the test... a feat which is *quoting a friend who somewhat share the same sentiments* "tantamount to failing the test itself." it seems to be working. it has to... or else.
mind you, i'm reviewing... not that much though. to give you an idea on what i've been digging on these past days, click here. *so i hope you'd understand if i'm not always able to update this thing. clearly there are more important matters to consider at the moment...*
the turn of the tide is starting to spell doom for me. i hope for you guys, that is not the case... a confidence booster may be just what i need...
so please, study hard. you can do it. *and i do hope, so can i..*
GO QUESCI!
the weekend is nearing. after all these, i promise to have my haircut. really.
kaya naten to. makakapasa tayo... sana.
reminders? matulog ng maaga. wag magpapa-late! *hah!* kumain ng tsokolate. mag-ingat papuntang palma hall, college of engineering, math building, o kung saan man. maghanap ng inspirasyon... ngayon din! at... smile lagi!!! (mahal ko kayo! wahahaha!)
so... God bless...
and should i say... kita-kits sa UP?
DEAR READER,
This blog site is no more used by the writer.
Please proceed to his NEW SITE if you're still interested at what's happening to him.
However, if you persist...
click on this icon.
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