the silent speaks (or writes.)

6.12.2005

abrupt mood swings.

6:45, says the school guardhouse clock. finally, a first for the week - and for the whole year.

after three or four days of unsuccessful tries, i made it to school before the cut-off time of 7 am.

certainly, i had a reason to smile.

yes, i was forced to go to school early because i had accidentally brought with me someone else's eyeglasses. but the important thing is i'm not late. no whatevers. and then i was revitalized from my early arising (5:20 am) when the class secretary informed me that he wasn't taking no late marks or absences, which means that i still don't have a single recorded tardy mark.

now i had many a reason to smile about. and when i'm happy, things go smooth for me. real... smooth - like the Chinese chi flowing from all four corners of the room. it was such and such, and i felt like i was smiling all day long.

but it didn't last longer than that.

while i was rewriting my chemistry notes, a certain 'someone' (actually some 'she') put forth a strong burst of emotions which probably caught me off guard, and literally shook me up. it was quite short, but the impact was - uhm, enormous.

suddenly, i wasn't smiling. the few small reasons to smile quickly vanished in a wisp of smoke, erased by a major problem which seemed to... kill me softly and slowly... but surely.

and i thought even the weather knew how i felt, as it lashed, torched, and tormented me with the hot sun rays, while i was silently walking by and pondering on the situation.

of course, it was obviously my fault. mine. but acknowledging that was never as easy as it seems.

even my mental crackdown was seen in the dining table, as i lost all interest in eating a magnificent dinner. it's certainly natural that i eat a minute amount of food, but i still eat regularly. this time around, i did not, as i went immediately to our room, wanting to sleep through the day's events.

it wasn't effective. the stress was showing up all over my face, like i wasn't even able to sleep at all. and it carried over, through the next day and the review classes, the mock test, lunch time, window shopping, and going home again.

and so there i went, in front of the 14-inch monitor and its dusty companion keyboard and mouse. opening the notepad program, i tried sequencing the past events and writing it down, saving it to a negligible file and location, and posting it here. but it was just too much to bear. i ended up erasing the 50-paragraph text, mainly because the whole thing was just - out of sync.

and when i was really about to break down, a smiley face lit up. and a few minutes later, i was "talking" to her again. blabbering somewhat unintelligible statements, while my heart was pounding very wildly, and my hands strating to freeze like it was really cold (when it was actually not.)

because i wanted to say sorry. and another sorry. and they were right - 'sorry' is the hardest word to say, harder than 'i love you' (strangely, something i haven't told HER yet) or anything else. why? because my heart is just too full of pride - also the very reason why i was... hmm.. ignoring? the person for quite a while.

after an hour or so, i was smiling again. not the awful wide smile that you rightfully see from me day by day, but the timid, pursed smile which says 'i don't know what i've done, but i seem to feel all right now.'

...incidentally, also because of the very same person who made me drastically sober just a day ago.

mind you, i'm still wearing the smile that was present just a night ago. and i can only hope that it would last longer... longer than ever.

the silent spoke up on 12:56

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