a writer, eh? not really. but why? because i'm a hopeless romantic. taunt me. laugh like the hyena. do the hokey-pokey. pounce on me. tell me how hopeless i am... real hopeless. go ahead. that's fine with me...
or share some pity and feel my pain. isn't that him, the dying martyr? oh, the poor chap. look at his frail limbs and fragile soul. but no, no. you'd never say that.
because i'm just a freakin' writer who no one cares about.. do tell me if i'm wrong, huh. not that i care.
did you hear me?
ace | adam | anna | ate airuz | ate aleth | ate anna | ate kimie | ate kris | ate lorine | ate norai | ate patit | bricci | cynthia | dana | desa | dina | gelynne | gerald | graziella | hazel | jaimee | jamie | janica | jason | jenny | justin | kathy | kuya dean | kuya james | kyreen | larz | m.a.j.i.k. | macy | marella | miles | phimie | raphael | rhio | pikselot | swastika | toki | yeye/valen
speak up...
past notes
April 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
credits
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based on dictionary.com
this strip was acquired june 25, 2005.
AGONY OF... THE FEET (FOOT.)
for starters, here is a flashback (of the past. what??):
two years back, my left foot got a bit banged during our annual sportsfest. we were in the finals, and having just played the game to advance, we obviously were battered and bruised. but we played. a few minutes in the game, we were already losing.
and then that fateful moment came.
fastbreak situation - on our side of the court. i was running (though not quite a run, due to fatigue...) to the hoop, when i was challenged by the opposing team's best player (incidentally, a girl.) when i scooped up for the lay-up, she forcefully tried to strip the ball away, but only hit my right arm, the same time her right foot accidentally kicked my left heel. and then all was black, and only felt searing pain from way below my foot.
eventually, the pain passed away, but my parents came to know of the incident and insisted that i pay the doctor a visit - alone.
and so i did. here's the transcript (with translation):
me: good afternoon doc. i was that kid who called you earlier....
doc: yes, i remember. the guy with the aching foot?
me: uh... yes sir.
doc: precisely when and where did you acquire the pain?
me: during a basketball game in our school.
doc: oh.. i see. come, i'll have to give you an x-ray.
**moments later**
doc: now... hmm... i'm afraid to tell you that your foot has a fracture just near your achilles' heel.
*silence.*
doc: the good news is, it's not that bad. however, for it to completely heal, you'll need to limit its activity.
me: okay. so that's it? thank you very much, doc.
doc: and one thing - if it aches again, like the searing pain you felt when you first felt it, return to me and have another checkup, okay? these stuff recurr a lot.
me: okay. thank you again, doc. *standing up*
doc: and another thing - try to minimize your soda intake.
me: yes sir.
since that fateful day, minor pains occassionally hounded my left foot, but not inducing much pain. not until one afternoon pehm session ended. i ran up the stairs to our room, changed to my uniform, and was about to fit in my leather shoe. snap. the sound couldn't have come from anywhere else. i felt something below my leg crumble. it can't be...
next thing i knew, eyes closed, i was holding to my foot, trying to stifle the pain... to no avail. at first sight, i would look like someone acting. then people would finally realized that it was for real. try as they might, the best thing to do was wait for the pain to subside - a thing which took ten long minutes and a whole lot of tauntings and mischiefs.
thirty minutes later i was walking again, only trying to hide an obvious limping. i succeeded, in some way, but it made a journey too long and tiring, due to the awfully slow progress. and for the first time in my life, as i walked through the edsa route, i counted the number of people able to overtake me in the path. it totaled to 47 - my all-time high.
tomorrow, i might not be limping or seeming immobilized, but please remind me not to be overactive most of the time. thanks.
RESEARCH. defined in modern thesauri as "stress." and why not, considering the time we all spend for some illogically (and illegally) compiled articles acquired from libraries and websites, condensed into a specific topic of interest, and passed to an anti-social teacher for revision all in a span of... never mind. did i hear anyone say "time constraint!"? anyway, there was a change in the deadline of submission of the proposal - an extension of two days. hol-ler!
OPEN SECRETS. password. still can't find any alternative. but at least, the thing doesn't mean anything to me now, except that it was a combination of nine randomly selected letters. pink letter? a pink letter which someone i recently forgot gave to me, in reply to an earlier letter which i sent to the person. as of now, many have seen and read what damned writing was there. inbox, out of the box. as of now, at least a dozen people know what stuff's in my cellphone.
CASINO TREND. someone told me that ten years from now, there will be a great increase in the number of casinos worldwide. therefore, there will be higher sales of playing cards globally, right? yes, the signs of the times are clearly seen within the parameters of our four-cornered room. the latest fad.
I'M IN LOVE!! oh really? uhm, once upon a time, in a far-away physics lab, i got to meet her eyes for a few seconds. then i felt that i was crazily in love. simple indeed?
THE TERMINAL. first, a friend to the FX station. then, a girl to the taxi pod. and lastly, before finally heading home, another friend to the FX station again. when did i develop this philosophy of "as long as there's someone who i know still there, in no way will i be heading home."???
ikaw. ikaw na naman.
akala ko pa naman, hindi na kita muling iiyakan. akala ko pa naman, wala na akong problema sayo. akala ko pa naman, tapos na ang lahat. akala ko pa naman, magkaibigan na tayo ulit. kaya pasensya na kung hindi na ako magiging magalang sayo. onga pala, hindi mo naman alam na umiyak ako, kaya ayan, dapat alam mo na sa ngayon.
totoo nga talaga ang sabi nila, na maraming namamatay sa akala. pero hindi ako kasama dun. akala mo lang yun.
ayan. nakasira na naman ako ng pangako sa sarili ko. at aba, wag mong isiping kasalanan ko ha. mahiya ka naman. hindi naman kasalanang mapamahal sayo. hindi ko ginustong pagkatapos nun, may magbago. pero nagbago ka na. sobra.
naiisip ko tuloy, mas mabuti na lang sigurong kinalimutan na kita, noon pa... yun naman kasi ang gusto mo diba?
sige. pagbibigyan kita. damahin mo na.
oo. kasi, tama nga sila. kung ngayo'y ganyan ka na naman, sa aki'y hindi ka na kawalan. at masaya na ako sa buhay ko ngayon. kaya ko namang mabuhay ng wala ka. kaya kong ngumiti. kaya kong magmahal. at marami pa akong kayang gawin.... ng wala ka.
simula ngayon, tapos na ang lahat. lilimutin na kita. pangako. para sayo. at, hindi na ako umaasang maibabalik pa yung nakaraan. hindi na uulit yun. wag ka na ring umasa, kahit alam kong hindi mo gagawin yun. bahala na ang tadhana kung magtagpo tayong muli.
sige. dyan ka na. PAALAM.
*note: di ko po isinasara ang blog na ito... baka isipin nyo...*
oh, we do know how convenient these group of letters and/or numbers are. may it be the peer group's secret stuff, or your e-mail address' inbox key, or your security bank PIN.
because by nature, we want privacy. we just don't give the essentials away. and i've had my share of struggles with the public regularly, to be specific, my own family (and then again, you know why.)
with those, you feel safe.... until someone else knows. and you realize that it's time to change it.
but what if you can't? because you just can't?
anyway, i'm not telling anyone my personal password because the moment somebody knows, everything will quite be exposed. yes. because i use only one password for all my.... err.. secret safes (i mean online accounts.)
and that's friendly reminder number two: do not use a single password for all your accounts.
what's number one? this is: never, ever use some real person's real name as your security code. you'll have trouble changing it when someone accidentally finds out what it is.
just like what i'm going through right now. i desperately want to change my password now because:
a) someone knows it
b) it's someone's name
c) that someone's a she
d) she's a part of my past
e) i want to totally leave my past behind and
f) the code's the last remaining substance of that past.
it might sound so easy, but no, says who?:
but you can't... because you know that whoever "she" is, she'll still be there, somewhere deep in your heart - a frail memory, but still there.
and you know that. you see her. you hear her name called. you hear HER talk. you see her name on the master list of electives, in the Holy Bible, in your inbox, in songs, even in other people's names.
and then you badly miss her. then you begin wishing desparately. that she'll talk to you. she'll call your name. she'll say hi to you, greet you how do you do, wave her hand at you, smile at you, hold your hand, grip it hard, walk with you side by side, talk to you like she's never talked before, laugh at you, cry to you, lay by your side, hear her say "i love you" just once more.... and make you feel awfully special.
but enough of those wishes and incoherent talk. reality bites, guys. anyway.... what's that quote again?
first love... never dies???
CUT. i was supposed to talk about my password, not some stupidly expressed mushy emotion. just got carried away.
so hey, i'm done.
"ginawan mo ng tula yun?" tanong saken ng isang lalaki.
wala akong sinabi, pero may linaglag akong lukot na papel sa bulsa niya. "tignan mo na lang."
"hay nako gab. ang drama mo. ilagay sa blog!" sabi nung kapatid ko.
"saan tayo bukas?" tanong ng isa pa.
"wala ako bukas eh."
"ay, tumatakas sa libre o!!"
hay. nakakatuwa talaga pag magbebertdey ka na. kasi kahit minsan, naaalala ka ng mga taong tulad nila... :)
"gab, happy birthday!" bati saken ng isang pamilyar na tinig.
napatungo ako ng onti. siya pala yun... "salamat..." tugon ko sa kanya. tapos may habol pang, "tsaka, bukas pa birthday ko..."
syet. kung alam mo lang, desperado na akong makausap ka. tignan mo naman, kung ano-ano nang sinasabi ko sayo. tsaka, ba't ba di kita matignan ng deretso? ganun ka ba talaga kaganda? haaay. ang gulo ko talaga no?
ayun. di ba halata, maganda araw ko?? pati mga guro nga, mukhang nakikiayon... di na nagklase sa amin mula tanghali eh. syempre kami, nanamantala naman. naglaro. nagsugal. naglaro ulit.
mga sampung minuto bago matapos ang klase, lumabas na ako ng paaralan kasama ang isang kaibigan at pumunta ng mcdo. linibre ako nung kasama ko ng coke float. edi ang saya talaga, kasi di naman ako nagpapalibre. (ui... salamat talaga, alam mo na kung sino ka!!! :D)
habang nakapila kami sa mcdo, nasabi ko bigla sa katabi ko, "alam mo ba... heartbroken ako."
"ganun ba? eh ba't ganyan ka makangiti?"
"siguro kasi.... bertdey ko! kaya dapat masaya ako."
tumawa yung kasama ko. "sabagay, tama ka rin." sabay kuha nung coke float.
tapos nun bumalik ulit kami sa quesci. sa mathay 2, kasi may mga tao pa naman dun. sa 4th floor, kung saan napakarami na ring nangyari. doon, nakausap ko ulit siya. matino-tino na rin, kahit papano... partida, heartbroken pa ako. ewan ko ba. ba't ang saya ko nun???
----
alas-dose na ng gabi. di pa rin ako tulog. pero pagod na pagod ako nun. insomnia na naman.... may nag-text. happy birthday daw, sabi niya saken. ang galing nga eh. 12:00:07 niya ako binati. kaso nga lang, hindi pa ako tumanda nun.
pinanganak ako noong ika-25 ng hunyo, sa ganap na alas-sais sa gabi. nung oras na yun, mga lima na rin ang bumati saken. pero hindi pa ako 16 taon gulang nun.
kahit na ganun...... tatanda pa rin ako. nakakainis. ayoko pa talaga. habang iniisip yang bagay na yan, nakatulog na ako.
nagising ako sa bulyaw ni ama. mga 6:30 na ng umaga. kumakain na nga sila eh. "happy irthday anak! ilang taon ka na?" tanong niya.
"um... 16 po."
"hmm... sweet 16 pala! never been kissed, never been touched!" sabay tawa ng mga taong katabi niya sa mesa. sa lakas ba naman nung banat eh, kahit ako nagulat.
kaso, may hindi tumawa. yung babaeng katabi ni itay - na siya ring nagsabi na... "gabriel, hindi ka pupunta sa review mo ngayon."
hindi na ako nakaimik. wala rin namang magagawa eh. hay. hinintay ko na lang na maging ganap na 16 years old na ako... mga labindalawang oras.
"write two quatrains about something beautiful," said the teacher during a sunny friday morning.
mirror, mirror on the wall
why do you see me as black, dark and tall?
who are you really, still and small,
and why do you keep staring at us all?
how do you make my physicality
a one-way path to my inner reality?
and no matter what, why do i see
always the beautiful art that's part of me?
i'm awfully sorry if those "quatrains" were not that appalling enough. i only did those in a span of five minutes in english class... because i came in late again.
but then again, dunno why, but i was filled with inspiration in those few minutes, so i tried writing another one:
a lady - fair, gentle and kind
a person always in the back of my mind
a someone, whose smile makes me
the happiest guy that this world will ever see
lovely, eh? i took pride in that. so i continued...
a friend, who never fails to make my day
whose beauty nearly takes my breath away
that's just awesome... until a stunning thought struck me... and i struggled writing the last two lines...
"i love you" are the words from her i wish to hear..
but through all, i know, a wish that will never be...
too bad, that was the end of it. i knew i could have finished it on a happier note, but that would be... not being myself.
simply because i know... that everything in those lines are inevitably...
the truth.
"gab?"
nagliliwaliw ako nun sa tong-its, nang tinawag ako ng isa sa mga kaklase ko. kaya naman hinarap ko siya. andami nila dun, lahat nakatingin saken. tapos sabi nung tumawag, "ang kapal ng eyebags mo."
natahimik ako bigla. tapos, bigla kong hinanap yung salamin ko... pagkatapos ng ilang sandali naalala kong wala na nga pala akong salamin.
kaya naman pumunta ako agad sa may banyo, kung saan may salamin... binasa ang mukha. pinunasan ng panyo. tinignan ang replika ng sarili... ng malapitan. at totoo nga. hindi lang makapal ang eyebags. dumami pa mga tigyawat. at kapansin-pansin din ang pamumula
ng mukha. wala na naman akong sunburn.
siguro nga sa sarili lang yun. sabi nga nila, "stress lang yan." o kaya ang hilig ko lang talagang magpuyat. pwede ring dahil pihikan ako sa pagkain (sabi nga nila pumapayat daw ako eh).
pero, di kaya dahil sa ang dami kong iniisip? di kaya sumuko na puso ko sa mga pangyayari?? di kaya ako lagnatin ulit dahil sa mga pinaggagawa ko?
o di kaya masyado na akong maraming tinatanong sa sarili ko, na nagdudulot ng panghihina ko??
sige. tingin niyo ba, magulo ako?
sorry, hindi ko masagot yung mga tanong. di kaya mas mabuti nang pabayaan na lang yan???
well, i'm back guys... and with more vengeance and wrath.
ladies and gentlemen, we have a new research teacher. he will supervise on all of our projects for this fourth year.
you guessed it - that would be mr. ronald atanacio, an acquiree of BSN, MA in Education and Biology, certified gynecologist and ranked top 11 in some national examination. isn't he great? no? of course not. for a fact, he doesn't look - normally human... him, and his habitual stoop, and his blackened eyes, and his unwavering 'evil' smile.
after presenting his credentials, he required us 3 notebooks for his class - a hundred-page one for lecture, a fifty-page one for data collection, and a lesson plan-size one (actually, two one-hundred-page notebooks) for the Research itself.
why? because he's a psycho.
then he went on brawling for our first assignment: the individual research proposal, as in individual. the topic we were supposed to use will be the topic chosen by the group, only to be written individually - from abstract to bibliography, which reminds me of two things: 1) the submitted hard copy is to be written by hand in the big 200-page notebook, filling up at least 10 leaves back-to-back and 2) the number of sources used for the paper must be at least numbered 100; if taken only from the Internet, raise that number up by 50.
and then there's that sarcastic smile again, for the umpteenth time. it's just, so... bewitching.
what i mean to say about bewitching is that the whole class either had fallen into a deep trance to the point that they can't speak, or they had been magically glued to their seats and completely immobilized, to prevent from charging the speaker like a raging bull.
"now class, any questions?... reactions? ayokong violent ha." he repeatedly blurted out, causing him just to be more irritant (if he wasn't irritating enough yet..)
classes were only up to 4 pm, remember? it was 4:20 when he took his bag and murmured "goodbye class," a statement that I'll love to hear from him from now on.
all I could only hope was a good working relationship with the guy. as 4:21 pm had shown up on the clock, I knew that all my hopes were shattered at once.
coincidentally, a friend named ronald also celebrated his birthday on the new teacher's debut to avogadro-4. eight hours earlier, there was the jovially resounding greeting of "happy birthday ronald!"... eight hours later, i could only think of more or less, three words to summarize all the day's events, and this is meant for the non-celebrator:
damn you ronald.
hey, when did i ever become financially stable on my own? never? then why does my family owe a lot of money from me? especially my parents? are all family breadwinners of this generation under a major state of turmoil, causing them to turn to their sons and daughters for financial help?
mommy doesn't want me to have my personal bank account. ol' pop won't give me any daily allowance - he insists that i should give them to my still-not-that-capable BABY brothers theirs. and they ask me to pay for the gas tank, and the pizza delivery, AND my school supplies. and now they use up my future birthday allowance for paying the Meralco bill.
c'mon guys, tell me what's going on. you know it. you experience it, day by day you do. or am I alone here?
just to further insinuate on the family expenses, here's a rundown of their 'debts' since year time immemorial:
P 6,300 - taken from my previous savings account (for confidential reasons)
P 2,800 - personal expenses on school paraphernalia
P 2,500 - birthday and Christmas incentives from relatives
P 1,300 - household commodites like candles, vegetables, and video rent
P xxxx.xx unaccounted for, which i don't remember
which amounts to a whopping 13,000 bucks, all vanished in wisps of smoke.
now I understand all that stuff in the news, about cancelling debts and such and so. i know the feeling, and it's not good.
anyway, there's the promise that they'll pay me back.
because after all... promises are meant to be broken.
"ma'am, i think the slogan wants to tell us that, when you say you love someone... it should be felt by the other person -... the one you love. if that person doesn't feel it at all... then there's no love in it...."
quoting myself in a Thursday English class through that thought is simply jaw-dropping. I was just reflecting on my ideas regarding a Snoopy and Woodstock poster slogan depicting "love is not love until you share it with someone."
after saying all that stuff, I gave myself a sidewards glance at my dear classmates, who were just as stupefied as I was during those silent moments. seeing their blank faces, they seem to tell me "who are you to talk like that about 'sharing love,' huh?"
meanwhile, somewhere deep in my complex human brain, an internal struggle was on due course; something like a Cold War furiously raging inside there... and it moaned on till the end of the day. (if you've known me for some time now, i suppose you know why...)
trying to figure out how to solve this puzzle, I found myself helplessly torn between the idea of talking to her (just like the old times,) or doing nothing, swallowing my emotions, and conceding to the fact that 'I don't love her,' which I know a majority of you guys will violently react to.
of course, the most logical solution to little problems is to decide and live or die with it. but as a personal philosophy, I've developed this not-so-effective habit of "choosing the gray area between black and white," which certainly I did - resulting to a lot of pending "small problems." consequently, little things, no matter how small, always pile up to create a big one.
so, there's still a whole lot of problems remaining unsolved, and will stay that way...tentatively.
six-forty, sun up. sitting on the far end of a moving jeepney, i was the usual tranquil guy after waking up (solely because... i was not fully awake yet.) the vehicle stopped at an intersection. looking outside, i fell into a deep trance, staring at a green facade of leaves... until a horde of passengers blocked my view and stopped the spell. after regaining the clear view, i soon realized that i should've gone down the jeep earlier. but the thing was moving again.
and just like that, there's the quick conclusion: this day will be, under no circumstances... a fine day.and true enough; upon entering the classroom, i was sporting my bedtime sleepy-eyed, body-battered, thoroughly stressed expression. later in the day i would develop a mild cold, my eyes would water up half a dozen times due to a very funny feeling (actually lax and sleep) and then transform into a jovial hyperactive psycho - all in a span of... six hours.
and i blew up a chemistry quiz, and sighed at a mediocre score in a math test, with all results posted near the board. and i also forgot that i had set up a brief chit-chat with someone after classes. i only caught up with myself five minutes before the set time.
but at least, after the 'meeting,' i was quite enlightened and refreshed a tiny little bit.
why short-lived? because ten minutes later it would rain, while i was walking along north edsa. and because the friend who i just talked to did not have an umbrella with her. nor did i..
not that i cared about the rain. in fact, i like it.
generally, it was a long, slow, very slow day.
... late na ha. ba't di ka pa tulog?
"hay. ewan ko ba... siguro alam mo kung bakit..?"
hmm... tignan natin... ano ba to... matinding pagkabog ng dibdib, kadalasang pagkawala sa sarili, pagkawala ng gana sa pagkain-
"minsanang panlalamig? pagsakit ng ulo, o pagkahilo? pagkatulala nag sobrang tagal? at... isang ngiting tila di mawari? oo nga."
sa pagkakaalam ko, mga karaniwang sintomas ng tinatawag na...
"'labnat.' tama ba?"
tama... siya pa rin diba?
"bakit, tingin mo ba magpapalit ako? asa ka pa!"
hindi naman. pero, wag mo naman masyadong patayin yang sarili mo kakaisip sa kanya. alam mo, kailangan mo rin ng tulog, diba?
"oo... pero.."
bakit ba kasi kabado ka na naman? dapat nga masaya ka na eh. wala ka nang problema.
"di ba ako mukhang masaya? di ko nga lang alam kung dapat ako maging masaya."
bahala ka nga. eh kung di mo alam, dapat di ka nakangiti na parang ganyan.
"hmmm.... ewan! di ko kasi alam anong mga mangyayari sa tuesday eh. excited lang ako."
naku, pag inlab naman talaga! wag ka mag-alala... magiging maganda ang araw na yun.
"talaga lang ha! pano kung di ako makapasok sa tuesday?"
dahil sa labnat? bahala na. kaya nga matulog ka na eh. para makapagpahinga ka naman. atsaka mabuti na ring nakangiti ka kaysa sa nagluluksa ka. diba?
"heh! gnun ba. bahala na. inaantok na ako. magandang gabi."
6:45, says the school guardhouse clock. finally, a first for the week - and for the whole year.
after three or four days of unsuccessful tries, i made it to school before the cut-off time of 7 am.
certainly, i had a reason to smile.
yes, i was forced to go to school early because i had accidentally brought with me someone else's eyeglasses. but the important thing is i'm not late. no whatevers. and then i was revitalized from my early arising (5:20 am) when the class secretary informed me that he wasn't taking no late marks or absences, which means that i still don't have a single recorded tardy mark.
now i had many a reason to smile about. and when i'm happy, things go smooth for me. real... smooth - like the Chinese chi flowing from all four corners of the room. it was such and such, and i felt like i was smiling all day long.
but it didn't last longer than that.
while i was rewriting my chemistry notes, a certain 'someone' (actually some 'she') put forth a strong burst of emotions which probably caught me off guard, and literally shook me up. it was quite short, but the impact was - uhm, enormous.
suddenly, i wasn't smiling. the few small reasons to smile quickly vanished in a wisp of smoke, erased by a major problem which seemed to... kill me softly and slowly... but surely.
and i thought even the weather knew how i felt, as it lashed, torched, and tormented me with the hot sun rays, while i was silently walking by and pondering on the situation.
of course, it was obviously my fault. mine. but acknowledging that was never as easy as it seems.
even my mental crackdown was seen in the dining table, as i lost all interest in eating a magnificent dinner. it's certainly natural that i eat a minute amount of food, but i still eat regularly. this time around, i did not, as i went immediately to our room, wanting to sleep through the day's events.
it wasn't effective. the stress was showing up all over my face, like i wasn't even able to sleep at all. and it carried over, through the next day and the review classes, the mock test, lunch time, window shopping, and going home again.
and so there i went, in front of the 14-inch monitor and its dusty companion keyboard and mouse. opening the notepad program, i tried sequencing the past events and writing it down, saving it to a negligible file and location, and posting it here. but it was just too much to bear. i ended up erasing the 50-paragraph text, mainly because the whole thing was just - out of sync.
and when i was really about to break down, a smiley face lit up. and a few minutes later, i was "talking" to her again. blabbering somewhat unintelligible statements, while my heart was pounding very wildly, and my hands strating to freeze like it was really cold (when it was actually not.)
because i wanted to say sorry. and another sorry. and they were right - 'sorry' is the hardest word to say, harder than 'i love you' (strangely, something i haven't told HER yet) or anything else. why? because my heart is just too full of pride - also the very reason why i was... hmm.. ignoring? the person for quite a while.
after an hour or so, i was smiling again. not the awful wide smile that you rightfully see from me day by day, but the timid, pursed smile which says 'i don't know what i've done, but i seem to feel all right now.'
...incidentally, also because of the very same person who made me drastically sober just a day ago.
mind you, i'm still wearing the smile that was present just a night ago. and i can only hope that it would last longer... longer than ever.
kreee-e-ek. nahagip na ng dilim ang buong bahay. isang payat na bata ang dumungaw sa nakabukas na pinto. tulog na silang lahat... kaya't ginawang unti-unting gumapang pababa sa hagdan, kinuha ang mga gamit, at umakyat nang muli pabalik sa silid.
tila walang nakarinig o nakapansin man lang.
dahan-dahang isinara ang pintuan... at tahimik na umupo sa kama ang lalaking iyon, kinuha ang isang kwaderno at panulat mula sa isang bag na di na makita dulot ng dilim. sunod namang kinapa ay ang kanyang cellphone; kinalikot ng sandali... at isang maaliwalas na busilak ng ilaw ay nagliwanag sa kanyang kinaroroonan.
lahat ay handa na; hawak ang isang panulat at kwaderno, sa bag ay may hinalungkat pa siyang isang piraso ng papel, na sa unang tingin ay walang halaga... pero ito ang dahilan kaya't nagpapakapuyat pa ang lalaki. binuksan nito ang kwaderno, inilipat ng ilang pahina, at nakahanap ng pagsusulatan.
Jose Protacio Mercado Rizal y Alonso Realonda. Ipinanganak... ang unang mga salita na nakatala sa pahinang iyon.
grabe, kala nyo kung anong drama? gumagawa lang siya ng assignment. wag kayong mag-alala... pero para sa mga hindi pa nakakaalam, ako yang tao na tinutukoy sa mga talata. oo, seryoso!
namangha ba kayo? ako oo. kasi di naman ako ganyan dati. di ko pinagpupuyatan ang assignment; para sa internet ang puyat. kaya nga ako nagulat eh. napansin niyo man o hindi, malaki na ang binago ko.
nagbago na nga ba, o nagpapanggap lang, tulad ng sabi ni ma'am erpelo? kayo na lang maghusga.
hatinggabi na noon. naisipan na rin niya na kailangan niyang ipahinga ang kanyang mga mata, malabo na nga eh, wala pang salamin. kaya naman pagkahiga niya, kaagad na rin siyang nahulog sa isang malalim na tulog.
malalim ba? bumangon na kasi ako mga 5:30 am. kung iniisip niyo ang itsura ko pagkagising.. eto yun - tayo-tayo yung buhok, lalo na yung sa may bandang kaliwa (dahil dun nakatagilid ang buhok ko), bahagyang nakapikit at kirat ang mga mata, hindi pantay ang damit na suot. yung kama? wag niyo nang itanong.
nung mga panahon na yon, sigurado na ako na hindi ako mahuhuli sa klase (5:30 ba naman diba?) tapos mabilis naman ako mag-ayos ng sarili ko. mga 6:20, nakaalis na ako ng bahay. tapos nakasakay agad ako sa jeep. naghihinala na nga ako na magiging maganda ang araw ko eh.
nasa may mcdonald's playplace na ako ng mga 6:50. napapangiti-ngiti na ako nun, sigurado na kasi talaga ako nun. kaya naman medyo binilisan ko na rin lakad ko patungo sa paaralan (mga 10 minuto rin yun.) mula playplace. pagkarating ko... wala nang masyadong tao sa labas. yung oras sa guardhouse: 7:15 am. patay. apat na.
kaya ayun nanaman, habang naglalakad ako ng mabilis patungo sa room namin ang tindi ng kabog ng damdamin ko. buti na lang mabait si mrs. bongon, yung 1st subject at english teacher nmen. buti na lang talaga. pero apat na ang late ko. wala na akong magagawa dun.
tapos dumating yung math time. pinasa namin yung pinakauna naming assignment ng taon... na nakalagay sa maliliit na filler. nakakatuwa nga yung teacher mgcheck eh (si miss guggie) kasi ngsstamp lng siya ng pangalan nya sa may filler, tapos okey na! ang cute nga eh.
dahil nakaupo ako sa harap ng teacher's table nun, ako yung pinagbalik nung mga na-checkan nang fillers. at syempre, kasama yung filler nya dun. oo di ko pa rin siya naharap, pero, sabihin nyo naman, asenso ako kahit papano diba??? ( :D pagbigyan nyo na ako. please.) tapos nun, nag-quiz kami. pinakaunang quiz ng taon. ayos lang, nakakahilo na nakakasakit ng batok na nakakaantok, gaya ng lahat ng mga quiz sa math. di ko nga natapos eh. bad trip. haaay.
mga 40 na minutong nakalipas, break na namin. kasama ko yung kapatid kong babae. (na kaklase rin :D) hiram ko pa salamin niya; okey lang kasi pareho lang grado ng mata namin (at magkamukha daw kami, kaya kapatid ko siya!) naguusap-usap lang kami tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay sa may malapit sa hagdan, hanggang... sa dumaan siya. nagulat naman ako sa reaksyon ni kapatid kasi dinala niya ako pabalik sa classroom namin.
"alam mo, kuya, kausapin mo na yun. habang 4th year pa tayo at may panahon ka pa."
natahimik naman ako bigla. nabulabog na naman utak ko... "..ha?"
yun lang ang nagawa kong masabi.
"oo pansinin mo naman kasi. para kasing di kayo magkakilala, alam mo ba yun? ano ba ang problema? gusto mo pa rin ba sya?"
"uh... ano... ewan..." sagot ko sa kanya, habang linulunok ko yung bigat nung mga sinabi niya. "...oo."
"yun naman pala eh. pansinin mo kasi."
"...alam mo, di ko alam... may masama ba akong ginagawa?"
"wala naman... diba kaibigan mo pa rin naman siya eh."
at ang magkaibigan ay naguusap - isang bagay na lagi kong sinasabi sa iba, ngunit di ko naman magawa. hanggang sa ngayon, pinag-iisipan ko pa rin yan... at di pa rin maiwasan ang masaktan habang iniisip yun.
pagkatapos nun, bumaba kami sa canteen, kasi andun yung nanay ni kapatid na nagpabili ng mga libro. at aba naman, pagdating namin dun may binabantayan na dalawang plastik ng makakapal na libro yung nanay niya. naisip ko na lang bigla na kailangan ko rin ng libro, gaya nya.
nakasalubong ko rin yung dati naming adviser (avo-3).
dahil sa kilala ako nung guro, ang una niyang tanong sa akin ay...
"ano, gab, nala-late ka pa rin ba?"
ngiti naman ako, sabay sabi "ma'am! hindi na po." ang sama ko noh? sinungaling!
nung hapon naman, nagpakita na rin ang isa pang guro namin; sa musika, si gng. lomibao, na ang buong pangalan ay leticia lorenzana lazo lomibao. ma-L daw siya... ma-love!!!
hayun. maaga na naman ang uwian. wala si sir atanacio. at di ko pa pala nasabi - may adviser na kami, si ma'am villar, ang guro sa filipino. akala ko mataray lang siya, pero ayos pala - magaling din. (teka, di ko pa ba talaga nasasabi ito?)
kaya, maaga ulit ang uwian. pakasaya muna ako, kasi baka kinabukasan baka lumaglag ang mukha ko sa lungkot. :)
naglalakad na ako pauwi... nang nagulat ako dahil sa linaw ng paningin ko.
nasa akin yung salamin ni kapatid. kailangan kong pumasok ng maaga bukas... tsk.
vrrrrr. a pillow just vibrated. strange? no. it was just the alarm clock, two words which here means "a multifunctional device configured to wake a person up ON TIME." the time on the cellphone shows 07:00. no need to worry, i always set my clock ninety minutes advanced.
incidentally, i was just right on time - to be late for class on the first day; a pledge which i myself had held on since vacation started. by now this should be no different thing to you, if you know the fact that my name is presently synonymous with "terrific latecomer."
and so i was prepared to go by 7:45... i mean 6:15. but i held myself for four solid minutes, killing time with a rubik's cube, eventually reconstructing it to its original form. (by the way, four minutes is my personal best in using the magic cube.)
'twas still dark when i left the house. not that dark, but obviously the skies were blackened. and when it rains... it pours. and it poured... while i was walking to school thru the edsa route, a feat which i complete in about ten minutes. and i don't use umbrellas or parasols, or whatever. you MUST know that you won't get sick when you walk in the rain. some won't agree, but i love the rain.
upon arriving at the school gate, wet and shivering, i noticed that there was the absence of (un)synchronized voices of singing students. assuming that that part of the monday routine is over, i walked straight to the familiar line-in place of my dear classmates, passing by a few students standing by the sidelines of the covered court. later will i know that the people there were
'early' latecomers... get my point?
then we headed to our beloved homeroom, once used by avogadro-3. inside, there were no chairs, to the wonder of many. so we were sent down again to the conference hall, and brought some monobloc chairs back up to the room - chairs that we'll be using... for the moment. i positioned myself up front in the starboard... i mean to say "the right wall, beside the windows and facing the teacher's table."
from there on, not much really happened. only one - yes, one teacher had the fresh legs to go up four floors and meet her students for an hour and twenty minutes... that was mathematics for you.
the lockers were assigned too, by lottery - and i was able to draw locker number eight, in a 9 x 5 set of lockers. my bag was nabbed from me a lot of times, for just a single reason - my cellphone. to be more accurate, my inbox. enough said.
we also did some sort of introduction, due to the fact that we were sort of - disbanded. what did i say? "hello. ako po si gab. gabriel de leon po." that short. judging by the statement, it's quite obvious that there was still that aura of discomfort hovering inside the four walls of avogadro-IV, do you agree?
dismissal was quite early, around three pm. our class schedule states that it should last until four. how ...nice.
... and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)
and that's day one for starters.
----
a pillow vibrates again. the clock shows 7:15 this time. however i felt that i lacked five minutes of sleep, so i lied down again. i wake up again, and it was forty-five minutes later. honestly, i didn't plan to be late the next time around... but i had no choice.
believe it or not, it requires skill to be late twice in a row. you know, we all want to be at school - the excitement's all there. do you think it's very easy to contain all that thrill and be able to sleep for long, solid hours? hey guys, it's me who's saying this. it's hard.
what's amazing is that my parents don't know that i'm late for class. they're simply a couple of sleepy humbugs (hey, hey, hey... look who's talking!) waiting to be woken up. oh - that's not really amazing.
i reached the school gates at precisely 7:20 (according to the clock by the guardhouse.) i went to the comfort room and mystified myself with what i saw in front of the mirror - a dark, skinny boy, all wet. i look down, and i confront my shoes, covered with mess and muck. uneffectively wiping it out with a damp piece of pad paper, i went up the stairs to the classroom, heart pounding, body wildly shaking. crossing my fingers, i haplessly started wishing that there was no teacher yet, which at first thought i believed was preposterous.
slow step by slow step i approached the room; and what met me was a barrage of cheers and jeers. that was very usual when i came in late, so i took it all with humungous pride. when it happens a lot of times, you can't help but expect from them what they expect from you. frankly, one of my greatest stunts in high school life.
and what's even better is that there was no teacher. and there were no elected officers yet - providing the luck break for me, with no one recording those absences and lates.
unfortunately, all that was about to end that very day.
"yesterday" almost all of the sections had elected their set of officers. so the people inside the room decided that later in the day, we will have our own.
i didn't want to be part of any of it, and wanted the decision to lie on the other people in the class. my vote doesn't matter in any way. or that's what i thought. i was not alone, nevertheless; another friend of mine was also out there playing cards. i was talking to a "favorite" friend of mine, and when we talk, we talk a lot, regardless of the time.
while we were wistfully pouring our hearts out, a couple of friends passed by where we are. and they were saying that i was nominated for class escort. upon hearing, i thought for a fleeting second that i was in oblivion. in the next, i was bursting out with laughter.
being labeled as class escort could be the worst thing that could happen to me - it just.. doesn't fit in. so it's a good thing the nomination didn't garner enough votes. alas, the absurdity of people these days...
...which reminds me. we don't have a class adviser yet. and we've met only four out of ten teachers.
dismissal was early again. but sm never changed it rules, or so as it seems. i waited til five to be able to enter the main buliding.
then headed down to national bookstore, right at the basement.. i needed only a few things, like a couple of notebooks or something. however, what matters is where you are. dunno what got into me, but i fell into this long queue that never seemed to move. upon further scrutiny, i heard that there was a problem with some credit card processing. knowing that there's nothing i could do, i stood and waited. and yawned. and waited. and.... yawned. after what seemed an eternity, i was out of the beeline.
to home, now i head. day two's now in the record books.
----
7:15, says the cellphone. i was somewhat nauseous and feeling drowsy... so i went off to bed. once again.
ten minutes passed... "gabriel. late na gising mo ha. bilisan mo." came the sturdy voice of my father, immediately shaking me up.
and true enough, i came in late by 15 minutes. yes sir, it's three in a row... and my first recorded late of the year. and another thing, the teacher was there.
wasn't i saying just earlier how hard it is to garner two lates in a row?
maybe i should introduce the class schedule: (i hope you won't mind if i hurry..)
7 - 8 English; 8 - 9 Chemistry; 9 - 9:40 Filipino; 9:40 - 11 Math; 11 - 11:40 AP; 11:40 - 12:20 Elective; 12:20 - 1 LUNCH; 1 - 2 Physics; 2 - 2:40 BREAK; 2:40 - 3:20 PEHM; 3:20 - 4 Research.
so far we've met seven out of a 'possible' ten teachers.
and not one of them... is our adviser. yet to be seen in action is the eye-bugged mr. atanacio, the wily research teacher.
and we already have assignments. and a scheduled quiz. and lots of things to bring. and i got my first bruise of the school year just before math time. i was locked and held by a friend so tight; i tried to wriggled free but i got kneed in the right thigh. and i came down limping.
hopefully, there's still more to come after day 3.
"gabriel, gising na. maaga dapat tayo." tatay ko naman gumising sa akin ngayon.
teka, bakasyon pa diba? dapat ang gising ko, mga 10 am pa...
"hoy may enrollment ka ngayon diba? bumangon ka na nga dyan!" bulyaw niya ulit.
ay, oo nga pala. kaya pala di ako makatulog nung isang gabi... excited kasi eh... at handa na rin. nakapili na ako ng course. napirmahan na yung card. tatapusin ko na lang yung upcat form.
ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon di ko mapigilan yung pagbugso ng isang mabigat na kalungkutan. hindi ko alam kung bakit. kaya habang nagmumuni-muni, inipon ko na yung mga kailangan - application forms, report card, ballpen, pambayad... at yung sarili ko.
naisip ko bigla, bakit hindi pinayagan ng school na kumuha na lang ng enrollment forms para makapag-enroll ng mag-isa yung anak? nakakainis naman eh. ayoko kasing mag-away kami ng nanay ko sa harap ng mga studyante; mga isang linggo pa lang mula nung nabasa nila inbox ko... at sigurado ako nasa isip pa rin nila yun...
pero wala na akong magagawa. pagkalipas ng kakaunting panahon nasa may likuran na ako ng kotse bitbit yung brown na envelope kung san ko linagay yung mga papel. naramdaman ko na nanginginig ako; hindi sa lamig ng aircon o sa init ng katawan ko, ngunit dahil sa isang bagay na buong umagang bumabagabag sa isip ko.
pagkarating namin doon yung nanay ko pumila kaagad kahit di pa niya alam kung para saan yung nakita niyang pila, na medyo maiksi pa naman. ako kumukuha pa lang ng enrollment form. sinabi ko sa kanya "hindi pa kailangang pumila diyan, di pa po ako nakakapagsimula dito sa enrollment form."
dun nagsimula yung away namin. kasi naman nagmamadali yung mga magulang ko para sa kung anong bagay ba yun, ni hindi man lang niya tinanong para saan yung pila. tama ba naman yun? tapos sinabi ko na lang sa tatay ko "pirmahan niyo na po, para makapunta na po kayo sa meeting niyo."
okey na sana eh, kaso biglang sumingit si nanay, "eh ihahatid ka pa namin sa dentista mo, kaya bilisan mo naman!" kung saan nagulat pati yung tatay ko. kasi ang dala lang naming pera ay yung para sa enrollment. mukhang maraming iniisip si tatay kaya pinabayaan na niya ako kay inay. sana naman walang nakapansin, sa lakas ba naman ng boses namin eh.
ang bilis ko maka-enroll. mga 20 mins. lang siguro, kasama na yung pag-fill up nung mga forms. pabalik na sana ako sa kotse nung naalala kong kailangan pang ibigay yung card sa enrollment committee... kaya bumalik ako sa mesa kung nasaan sila.
"ma'am, eto po yung card ko." sabi ko dun sa katapat ko na teacher.
"yung enrollment slip mo?" tanong niya. hinalungkat ko sa envelope na hawak ko, tapos di sadya, napatingin ako sa bandang kaliwa ko...
katabi ko na pala siya. ang galing naman. may kinakausap yata siyang teacher nun.
"okey na..." sabi nung teacher na nasa harap ko, sabay kalabit sa akin gamit yung enrollment slip na may pirma na niya.
hinarap ko siya ulit. "salamat po ma'am..." at napatingin ulit sa may kaliwa.
andun pa rin siya. pero ngayon, nagkasalubong yata mata namin. oo parang ganun... ang weird nga eh. kaso mga ilang milenyo na rin kaming di nag-uusap nun. ano nangyari? wala. nag-abot lang yung mga mata namin ng sandali. hindi ako nakaimik. sabay talikod, tapos naglakad patungo sa kotse.
nasa may gate na yung kotse nung bigla namang bumanat si ama: "bakit hindi mo tinuro sa amin?"
mabilis kong sinagot: "wala pa po eh. di ko pa nakikita." hay nako. sinungaling. pero naniwala sila.
pagkatapos ko sa dentista at pagkalipas ng dalawang oras, bumalik ulit ako sa paaralan. mas onti na yung tao nun, kasi karamihan nag-enroll na nung umaga. nung naglalakad na ako papunta doon nakasalubong ko ang isang matalik na kaibigan, hindi nga lamang naka-uniform.
"tol di ako pinayagan eh! may gagawin ka ba?" tanong niya sa akin. "palit muna sana tayo ng damit o, sandali lang naman eh!"
syempre, sa bait ko, pano ako tatanggi? tsaka ayoko pa talagang umuwi nun, kahit yung utos sa akin umuwi na raw ako. kaya pagkalabas namin ng cr mga sampung minuto ang nakalipas, aba naman, extreme makeover. siya, suot yung oversized polo ko, yung pantalon ko na bitin sa kanya dahil mas matangkad siya saken, at yung kupas ko nang sapatos. ako, suot yung blue nya na t-shirt, yun pantalon niyang reversible at tila panwalis ng sahig dahil sa haba nun sa akin at sa kaluwagan nito, at yung napakaganda niyang puting sapatos. kamukha ko pa naman yun, sabi nila. edi yan, makaka-enroll na siya. tinulungan ko siya sa mga bagay-bagay, saan hihingi ng ganito, ano kailangang isulat, yung mga simpleng bagay lang.
naglakad kami patungo sa listahan ng mga sections. habang patungo sa direksyon na yun, nakasalubong namin ang isang malaking tropa ng mga studyante. avo-3 pala yun, mga kaklase ko... anong aasahan ko, syempre andun rin siya. di yata ako nakilala sa outfit ko. pero di naman kasi siya ang sadya ko nung mga panahong yun; kaya ako nandun ay para tulungan ang isang kaibigan na mag-enroll.
nag-lunch break yung mga teachers ng 1 pm. linipad yung accomplished nyang upcat form. naapakan ko ng bahagya. kakaulan lang nung panahon na yun. kumuha ako ng eraser ng lapis at binura yung dumi. grabe pala talaga pag desperado na yung tao, lahat gagawin.
eto ngayon yung itsura nung mga papeles nung kaibigan ko. yung enrollment form niya, de-lapis ang sulat, pati pirma. yun namang upcat application form, maraming bura at mali, may onting dumi pa. yung mga pirma ng guardian, syempre naka-forge kasi wala naman siyang kasamang guardian. tapos kailangan pa niyang magpakuha ng 2x2 picture. ang tagal rin niya mag-enroll, pa-star kasi yung mga teachers. pero okey lang. naayos naman.
hindi na niya kailangan yung uniform nun. paglabas namin ulit ng cr balik na ako sa dati.
ang nakakatuwa dyan, enrollment pa lang yan.
tanghali na. pag bakasyon nga naman, kahit anong oras ang gising, tama?
depende yun... sa kung pano ka gigising. at sa kung sino ang gigising sayo.
tulad na lang kanina. sa pagkakataong ito nanay ko ang bumulabog sa akin sa kama. sabi niya mamimili daw ako ng grocery sa cherry. tapos bigla niyang kinuha yung cellphone ko na lagi kong katabi pag natutulog.
minsan, dalawang pagkakamali lang ang kailangan para mabulgar lahat ng sikreto mo.sa sitwasyong ito, yung una ay ang pagpapabaya ng mga gamit sa kung saan-saan lang... at hindi tinatago sa tamang kinalalagyan. tulad ng cellphone ko. dapat nasa ilalim ng unan ko yun.
ikalawa - kung ano ang magiging reaksyon mo sa mga maaaring mangyari... kasi, nang kunin ni nanay ang cellphone, bigla akong bumangon at sinubukang kunin ang bagay na nasa kamay nya.
"wag! wag! teka, akin na muna yan!" sigaw ko habang hinahabol ko siya. "pramis, sandali lang!!"
"naku, may laman to, basahin ko ng- aray! masakit!" sabi ni inay, sa higpit ng hawak ko sa cellphone at sa kamay niya.
hindi ko nakuha sa kanya. mamaya-maya lang nabasa na niya yung buong inbox nun.
"ikaw ha... gusto ko tanggalin mo yan lahat mamaya. sino ba yan?"
"...kaibigan ko po." bigla akong napangiti, di alam ang dahilan.
"sige sabi mo eh. may girlfriend ka na ba? yung totoo ha."
"wala po."
"talaga? ano to, liniligawan mo? o liniligawan ka?"
"hindi... kaibigan lang talaga."
"sige. mamayang gabi mo na ito makukuha."
pagkatapos noon napahinga ako ng malalim, at nagpasalamat na yun lamang ang nangyari. kaya pala niya kinuha yung cellphone kasi isa-save nya sa outbox yung mga kailangan kong bilin. kay tanga ko talaga no?
ayun. pinapunta ako sa cherry. pero wala sa akin yung cellphone.
kasi naman, ayaw kong sabihan ng sikreto yung mga magulang ko. eto napala ko. siguro, yun na ang huling pagkakataon na wala sa ilalim ng unan ang cellphone ko.
hay... katawa-tawa naman, di pa rin ako natututo... dalawang beses na kasi ito nangyari saken... siguro nga dapat may sabihan na akong iba ng mga sikreto ko...
yung mga messages? nasa inbox ko pa rin. pasaway ako no?
ah, research - the hope of the country's future, commonly said by ap teachers.. a subject which demands a hell lot of your time (inclusive of vacation) in order to produce an organized stack of papers containing information about some new invention and an actual product, of course. a compulsory project for one who wants to graduate from a four-year high school course.
do i need to elaborate?
first, i get a call from the group leader, telling me to go to school to help work on the project. the next morning we were briefed on what was the project all about - basically about a exquisitely delicious mollusk, named abalone, in which we try to extract an antibacterial substance. we were supervised by a teacher who we first met back at our research defense - apparently he was acquired by the principal. hours later we had to travel an hour to a dost laboratory (as part of the project has been done already.) then we head back to school, and eventually home. what my parents only knew was the project refresher course, nothing else. all for a day's worth.
next day i was tasked to prepare materials in the school's chemistry lab for further use. then i was sent out to but six kilograms of calcium chloride, to be used for lyophilization (a complicated process, of course), alone. and the place is nowhere near the school, a chemical shop called alyson's. not knowing really where to go, i was forced to walk half of araneta avenue, arrived at a glori's store - part of the teacher's instruction. and i was not looking for the place yet... strategically near a four-way intersection, i had to walk on all four ways before i found out where it really was located - which was pointing back to where i started. and another thing, this place really isn't that noticeable. good thing on the way back i was able to take a jeep - mind you, six kilograms of powder is not light package. we departed from school about 11 am, i got back three hours later. also instructed to do some homogenization thing, i had to prepare the materials in the chemistry lab, a school length's walk from the principal's office, where most of the essentials were. ruefully i had to make about seven trips back and forth to transfer all the materials (i was still alone) which included a full five-gallon container of deionized water, two chemical reagents and a whole lot of expensive lab glassware. next thing to do was preparing the specimen for the process, in which i performed an actual mutilation of the frozen mollusks. good thing only was that the teacher told me thru text that i wasn't supposed to homogenize yet, which saved a lot of time. and i haven't cleaned that laboratory yet, still covered all around with dust. guys, it's just day 2...
a week later, after a brief absence due to family matters, we went to up diliman to meet a dr. montano who knew a lot about - well, a lot. the number of students in that so-called building was twelve, all responding to grueling research duty's call. later we also passed through up's marine science institute (i believe some of the equipment we need were there...) before we dispersed into different directions, we (i and the leader) had to go to another research facility down south in alabang to do some processing. upon arriving we found out that the substance is not yet ready for use and has to wait for a day. so three hours of travel and a hunder pesos of transportation fare torn to shreds. we also learned that the teacher knew about the substance's current status because of his contact there in the lab, so he could have told us, and spare us the trouble, right? then the school camera was handed to me, to be delivered to a drop-zone where a student (actually a classmate) will be waiting. unfortunately, there was no drop zone and my classmate seemed to be nowhere.
maybe you should know more about the teacher. we first met him during our last research defense, as he was one of three... er, torturers. during our defense the other two walked out, leaving him alone to rant about certain errors in the paper and a whole lot of suggestions and telephone numbers. next thing we knew, he was our consultant for the whole thing. later we found out that he was going to be our research teacher for the coming school year. a bit tall and plump, the guy is quite grumpy, a word which i exceptionally find befitting for his personality. believe me, it's all in the eyes (and the big round eyebags as well). has a strange work ethic too; occasionally the guy tells you to arrive seven o'clock am at school, then shows up there two hours later, and of course you wait that long because you simply don't know what to do... and you'll have to wait for him no matter what. he likes to do that, say... and he seemingly enjoys directing people to go somewhere for something while the clueless student asks for clear directions regarding how to go there - which he rarely does (based on experience..) basically he wants us to prioritize research over anything else, and when i say anything, i mean ANYTHING, like your house or your upcat review. during one of his rant sessions he asked us "am i demanding?" and all of us out there were baring our teeth from saying "hell yes!" until someone said "sir it's part of the job..." which settled things...
hey, is this entry long? i haven't written nothing yet... and i'll continue doing so when the research paperwork is done, so to speak. as the research buff says, priorities first...
kay lamig talaga ng hangin sa taas. ang sarap, yung makaramdam ng pagtakas mula sa init ng panahon kahit sandali lang... nakaupo lang sa isang sanga, nakasandal sa matikas na tangkay ng punong mangga.. sinasalubong ang sampal ng malakas na hangin sa aking mukha...
sa kabila ng lahat, ang mga mata'y nanatiling tulala pataas sa langit... pinagninilayan ang isang bagay na tila napakalalim at napakabigat...
"haaay..." nasabi ko na lang bigla, sabay ang mabigat na paghinga na galing sa kaloob-looban.
sino na naman kaya yang iniisip mo ha? babae na naman?
ayan na naman yung konsensya ko, bumanat na naman. "hindi, wala to..." ano ka ba, alam ko yung iniisip mo... tama ako diba?
"sige na nga. tama ka." o bakit ganyan ka magdrama? sino ba yan kasi?
"akala ko ba alam mo ang nasa isip ko? ikaw ang magsabi-" gusto mo sabihin ko kung sino?
"hay nako wag na."
namimiss mo na ba siya?
....
o ba't di ka makasagot?
"pwede ba, tigilan mo muna ako?"
pano yun? eh sinasabi ko lang naman ano ang iniisip mo ngayon ha?
"..haaay..."
'haaay...' namimiss mo na talaga siya ano.... "oo na..."
ba't di mo tawagan? i-text? o sulatan mo kaya? "ayoko eh."
"ayaw mo? diba namimiss mo siya?
"oo." eh.. bakit ayaw mo?....ano, nahihiya ka? di ka naman ganyan ka-torpe dati ha!!!
"ha? hindi ano! kaya kong gawin yun. wala akong dahilan para mahiya sa kanya... kaso..." kaso ano?
"hindi ko alam eh." hindi raw alam. gusto mo sabihin ko sayo?
"wag na. sa ating dalawa na lang yun, ha?" sige na nga. so ganito pala... namimiss mo siya, pero ayaw mo siyang makausap. anong plano mong gawin?
"wala."
wala? di ka ba nasasaktan dyan sa mga ginagawa mo? "nasasaktan. bakit?" ayun naman pala eh.
"pero nabuhay na naman ako para masaktan, diba?" sino nagsabi sayo nyan?
"ako."
...bahala ka. pag di mo kinaya yan...
"bahala na." pero isipin mo na lang ito... di kaya nakakasakit ka rin sa ginagawa mo?
"ha? bakit naman? eh dinaramdam ko na nga lang ito sa sarili ko para wala nang madamay.. diba?" gaano katagal mo na siyang hindi pinapansin?
"... malay ko. ano bang gusto mong palabasin?"isipin mo na lang, di kaya namimiss ka na rin nun?
"ewan ko.. hindi naman siguro... marami ring iniisip yung taong yun, gaya ng iba.. diba?"
sige. tingin mo bakit nya sinabi sayo na namimi-
"pwede ba wag mo nang ipaalala yan, ha?" teka, ikaw nag-isip nyan, sinasabi ko lang sayo...
"...haaay. ayoko pa ring maniwala." hoy bata, tandaan mo di lang ako ang nagsabi sayo nito. pati mga kaibigan mo.
"oo nga. pero hindi ako naniniwala. pasensya na, ayoko talagang umasa sa mga ganyan."
...kung hindi ka umaasa, bakit minamahal mo pa rin yan? tsaka wag ka na mahiya. kiligin ka naman.. yiihee.. ngingiti na yan o!
"nako. ganyan din mga kaibigan ko eh, parang ikaw... di ko alam, pero di talaga ako kinikilig ehh..."
manhid ka pala.
"ano?"
manhid ka. walang pakiramdam.
"pano ako naging manhid eh puro sakit na nga lang tinanggap ko diba?"
aba. '...nabuhay na naman ako para masaktan...' yan sabi mo kanina diba? di kaya nasanay ka na sa sakit, kaya nagkakaganyan ka ngayon...
"pero nasasaktan pa rin ako." sabi mo eh. bahala ka. maniwala ka na lang sa akin, namimiss ka na nun.
"ganun ba? ewan ko. ayoko pa rin maniwala."
oo nga pala, bakit mo ba di kinakausap yun? di ka naman ganyan ha.
"nahihiya ako dun sa tao eh."
natotorpe ka????
"hindi nga eh. nahihiya ako. magkaiba yun." ang gulo mo talaga. sabi mo lang kanina wala kang dahilan para mahiya sa kanya.
"ewan ko. ayoko lang sayangin yung oras niya dahil sa pakikipagusap saken.... sabihin mo namang tama ako, kahit minsan lang!" sabagay. tama ka... pero, wag naman kasi parang di kayo magkakilala.. ang gulo mo talaga...
"ano ba... napagusapan na namin ito.. nagdaan na... bakit mo ba pinapaalala?" kasi inaalala mo eh! ilang beses ko bang dapat sabihin sayo?....ayan ka na naman eh. ganito kasi... kung mahal mo yung tao, ipakita mo....
"bakit pa? kitang kita na naman yung ginagawa ko diba? di niya lang napapansin kasi hindi halata... dahil ganito talaga..."
teka. ano bang ginagawa mo?
"ano pa? sige, sabihin mo nang corny ako o kung ano, pero kung mahal mo yung tao kailangan mong ibigay sa kanya ano yung mahalaga para sa taong yun... naiintindihan mo na ba ako?"
malapit na. isang tanong na lang... hindi ka ba kasama dun sa mga 'mahahalaga' na yun, tingin mo?
"hindi ko alam... pero marami pang mas mahalagang bagay para sa kanya kaysa sa akin..."
hay. ibang klase ka talaga. "ganun ba..." oo... sa kagaganyan mo, kung sakaling dumating yung panahon na mapamahal yung tao sayo hindi mo mararamdaman yun dahil akala mo sinasaktan ka niya... tama ba?
"para naman kasing mangyayari yun diba? ayoko talagang umasa eh."
ayaw? o hindi ka umaasa pero gusto mo talaga...
"ang pangit naman kasi kung puro 'sana' lang yung iniisip mo eh, kung ganyan lang din, edi wag na lang..." teka. di mo pa sinasagot tanong ko.
"pwede bang hindi ko na sagutin yang tanong mo?"
bahala ka. alam ko rin naman yung sagot eh. hanggang dito na lang ako.....
bog! may bumagsak na bunga sa bubong. sa gulat ko nadulas ako ng bahagya, dumaplis sa isang sanga yung kanang binti ko sa may bandang tuhod, at ilang sandaling makalipas pulang pula na sa dugo na ang mahabang marka na kung saan dumaan ang sanga.
"... hay... sana lang talaga..."
dealing with insomnia can be one's worst nightmare.
you know, when you don't feel the need for sleep, but actually needing it. aside from that, it adds to your eyebag woes. if you'd only see how deep-set my eyes are five days since i've been going through this.
blame it all on the heat, or my awkward sleeping position. or maybe the thick clothes, or the hard pillows. or even the unnecessary blanket, or the fan which can't produce much air. i just can't sleep.
or maybe i can't sleep because my breathing is erratic since. if you didn't know up to now, i've been plagued by asthma since birth. though it rarely affects me since when i was on diapers, it almost regularly returns during the summer period. but believe me, this is an all-time low for me. i do have a nebulizer; however, this still is no insomnia remedy.
that's when i almost gave up on that sleeping problem. i started reading a book using little light from my cell phone. the book seemed interesting; i wanted more light, but without disturbing my peacefully sleeping brothers (we were sharing the same room) and my parents (no doubt they'd wake up if a fluorescent lamp was shining beside their room for an hour). five seconds later i was removing cellphone covers and playing snake 2 (not actually playing, just letting the program run) on my phone, lights (perpetually?) on. clearly without the covers the thing was transparent, thus allowing more light to illuminate. [hah! i'm a genius, ain't i? kidding... (",)]
it seemed to work, because later my eyes were drooping due to stress. eventually i shut the book, returned my cellphone to order, lied down, and sandwiched my head between two pillows to make sure my eyes were encompassed with complete darkness.
about three minutes later i was up again. as a last recourse, i dismantled the battered phone again (which was gasping for battery charge), sat on my desk, took my pen, hackled some paper out...
ladies and gentlemen, this is the very product of that night.
*wheeze.. wheeze..* there goes my lungs gasping. so long for now.. i'll need a dose of sterilized air - somewhat effective for insomnia too... good night.
*snap* lights out: 3:57 am.
sheesh. one-third of vacation had passed.
and here i lie in the sofa, listening to the radio, doing nothing, absolutely nothing at all... waiting for that signature beep of the cellphone, or even a rare phone call...
which did not come.
was this how harry potter felt in book 2, when half of vacation had passed and no letter or owl came to him from his friends, from the world which he came to know, and which he loved? [and... cut!] my point is, they've forgotten me. completely. or, no - of course they're busy... in contrast, i'm doing nothing at all.
the phone rang, and i rushed immediately to the spot - "hello?"
"um, pwede po makausap si michael?" the caller's mild voice replied. "sandali lang ha..."
good for my brother. oh how lucky he is...
after their brief conversation and li'l bro put down the phone i decided to go online, hoping someone else is...
"dialing #######" flashed on the screen, followed immediately by "error ###: the phone line is busy." wanting to solve the problem, i picked up the handset, and a blank silence resounded from inside.
and then i remembered: a day ago the line was cut from outgoing calls.
sheesh. two-thirds of vacation still to pass.
my cellphone beeped. out of nowhere a slight grin pursed out of my lips.
recalling the past really can knock you back to your senses; but chances are it will make you want to bang your head into solid ground.
earlier this day i had visited my previous blog and read, scanned, rescanned and toured the site to the dot. the next moment i was on the verge of breaking out to gales of laughter, even tears, maybe. it was like a whopping right on my nape; a realization of how stupid and naive i just was.
questions came buzzing around my mind, like "why, oh why did i close this thing?" and "am i really that childish and naive, writing stuff like that?" or "did i do the right thing?"... but "can i change myself after all those blunders?"
i suppose i can... and i hope so.
now, enough of the drama. good day to all.
ahh.. at long last, i'm back.
due to certain malfunctioning devices and a series of unfortunate events, i have been prevented from updating this.. thing for about... 35 days. and believe it or not, a whole lot of things happened during this span of time... a most unlikely event in my otherwise boring life.
nevertheless i tried going with old grandpa clock's fast pace and i was able to write and remember such events, but i must apologize if some details will be in error or be forgotten, being human, my memory's capacity still has limitations.
because i haven't updated till now, you must know that those entries have already passed for at least a month's period and was not written on the date it was published on the site.
good news is, at least i can update again as the classes resume, which is quite fabulous...
i hope you will appreciate all these, and... sorry for the inconvenience.
the writer.
DEAR READER,
This blog site is no more used by the writer.
Please proceed to his NEW SITE if you're still interested at what's happening to him.
However, if you persist...
click on this icon.
THANKS. If you want to dig deeper into his past... Click here.
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